Homosexuality, ARTICLE ON from Warriors' Journeys

  • Homosexuality, ARTICLE ON

For the longest time I can remember I considered myself to be a homosexual, or living the homosexual experience. I have never understood why.

During the 70's growing up, in adolescence and through young adulthood, I was surrounded in a sea of homosexuality, as an observer, because quite frankly I did not know what to make of it. For a long time I could only relate to it from my painful experiences I had when I was a child, then again from the ages of 12-15 when it was forced again upon me. So it did not make sense at all.

I created a world of my own being. Literally I created a protective cocoon, which I thought would insulate me from the pain. This worked for a while. However through middle school I was taunted, and witnessed other people with similar feelings being taunted as well.

As I entered adulthood, this was all I knew. I felt intimidated, alone and lonely, and quite frankly by that time any feeling I may have had for women was either super suppressed, or I just did not feel I had them. So I took the plunge and started "dating" other men. This worked for a while again, and when it did not, I just went back into my little shell-cocoon and hid from the world.

In my sexual relations I was always the passive one, the other guy always initiated the sexual encounter. However it was the same thing day in and out. I just felt unfulfilled; the satisfaction lasted for just a day or two and then the empty lonely feeling would resurface. I glossed it over with alcohol and marijuana. This seemed to work; only that the eternal "WHY" kept on popping up.

Through all of this I decided to embark on a spiritual path. I became confrontational when I was asked about my sexuality. Being raised a Catholic I had a heated exchange with the pastor of our local church over it. My family was embarrassed as this reached all over the community.

I went through just about every branch of new-ageism. However I was doing this more to figure out who or what the hell I was, what I was doing and seeking an answer to the always present "why?" about my sexuality. I did not give a hoot about seeing BaBa Boo in a yellow cloud of light, although sometimes I wondered if he was out there, somewhere. I was seeking answers that quite frankly no one had, because I was labeled everything from fag, to faggot, to son of perdition. On the other hand new-ageism just said "I am ok and you are ok, so be and let be".

For brevity's sake, now as I look at my past experiences and actions, all I have wanted to do was find the man in me. I thought that because I had a "soft side" to me, that I was indeed super-homo! I've always thought that maybe somehow all gay men were just simply females in men's bodies! This did not ring as truth, so I guess I was fooling myself, struggling to justify and validate myself, over and over, and over.

Where am I now: Théun's blueprint for living (what I call the teachings), have overwhelmed me, but in a good sense. I feel challenged in every corner of my life, particularly since the retreat. I have delved into the Male section of The Toltec Teachings - Volume III, (I wish I had this 25 years ago..Oy!). I have stepped back and not indulged in the heavy partying that would lead to the cavorting and promiscuity with other men. I am determined to find the MALE in me, darn it, I will find HIM and allow HIM to breathe.

The problem I faced, and I guess has always been so, is that when I want to express warmth and love to another man, it almost certainly leads to sex. I do not know that MALE in me, that can lead. Certainly the individuals I have in the past interacted with, are just as clueless. But there is hope.

What I learned from the guidance I was given is:

Firstly, there are no victims in this world. We call forth ALL the circumstances in our lives, so as to learn. Therefore, there was a reason why homosexuality was "forced" on me, and I needed to fathom this out within the context of the challenges of my life.

Secondly, I needed to ask myself whether I BELIEVE I am a confirmed homosexual or whether I think I am just confused about my sexuality. Only through addressing the CAUSE does it become possible to eradicate the SYMPTOM.

Since I was the passive partner in my homosexual relationships, this was indicative of an incredibly low self-image. The rationale being, "I don't deserve any love and warmth from the male, I only deserve to be screwed." Since passive partners generally believe that they have no value at all, they cannot understand why anybody would want to express love and warmth towards them.

However, another important factor coming into this equation is also the fact that humanity cannot as yet differentiate between true love and warmth versus the sexual act. Humanity today is spelling SEX with capital letters, and therefore people have begun to believe that they have no real value other than how good a fuck they are, either in doing it, or having it done to them. Homosexuals are no exception.

Therefore in the case of the passive homosexual who already has a very poor self-image, he quite literally believes that he can only be loved by his partner if he allows himself to be screwed, both physically as well as emotionally, and even mentally. As a result the passive homosexual will often unconsciously seek out abusive partners, and even S & M.

The active homosexual, on the other hand, is usually driven by either a fear of or else a hatred for the male, but in most cases, a hatred for the male. Consequently such a man wants to screw other males as an expression of that anger/fear.

Thirdly, I started to see that while the true male is a warm, gentle and sensitive being, this does NOT imply that he is in any way homosexual.