I had set my intent to leave the family home and to live alone. One afternoon when driving home from a family visit, I decide to go a different way, and I see a 'Flat for Sale' sign. I make a call, arrange to see the Landlord and within a few hours, during which the Landlord and I really connect as two males, I have a new place to live. I tell my wife that I will leave the family home in the next week.
The prospect of living alone is terrifying - as I shared at the time;
'At home I've been stuck in mothers' awareness for years and Théun has whacked me with humour and no mercy about it. After the last Retreat I resolved that only a massive change would unlock this. So my wife and I will split up next week. Returning from the Retreat and saying that we would part took me into the unknown for two months (not knowing what will happen every 5 minutes). Then clarity clicked in last week;
The message is so clear and there is such a consistent pattern now that I can see it.
'Making this huge leap feels traumatic and I need all my INTENT against social pressures, but I can also sometimes feel a calm joy in certain moments; as if my experience is actually unfolding from a universe with amazing kindness.'
'It has been one of the saddest times of my life - the break up of a marriage with three children. I just had to stay in the Unknown; to not make things clear; to not go to mother's safety; to ignore social conditioning; to just stay with each 5 minutes day and night.
In the experience, my wife, our children, the group and life experience all brought lots of conflict and irrational knowledge.'
In my business life, I am in negotiation to take over (merge with) an IT company and, although the banks are happy with the deal, I pull out with 2 hours to go. As a result, the IT company goes into liquidation. A new joint company gets set up without the baggage associated with the old one. In the process, I completely miss the parallel with my personal life!! The business deal works out fine and, although people are made redundant, they all find new jobs.
Here is what I also shared at the time;
'Last week, in the very final stage, the chief negotiator for the seller said as he entered a meeting; 'It's sunny today and it's not always like that around here'. This was my final piece of irrationality. I had to use intent to stay open to the world right to the wire. I realised that he was telling me to be careful. We pulled out of the deal.
'It felt like.....I know it's a bid for power.... my perception is stuck
(plans)....stay open....Wait...Wait...I need more irrationality....I need
more irrationality...Stay Open...Keep Hunting....Ah, now I get it...Act and
bid..... let go...stay wide awake!'
In meetings with my wife, I am no longer making plans or setting up expectations. Time after time I do everything to just meet her in the moment. The intensity of her angry and blaming moods is relentless! I can never tell what will happen in this Unknown!!
As I take steps, take action, leave home; I get lots of support:
'As you are finding out, it is NOT easy!
But then the greater the challenge the greater is the gift of power! Are you FEELING this? Does this not mean that you are WORTHY of great gifts of power? Acknowledge yourself, fully! Don't just pat yourself on the arm for managing to keep your head above water. You are already airborne. Now TRUST yourself to FLY!'
I am a courier to the Man of Action and that seems to mean that I travel around and take lots of action. My business life is like this. It suits me and just 'being me' in business seems to work.
Here is another sharing at the time;
'When I'm not working, I'm with the children. When I'm not with the children, I'm sorting things out with my wife. I feel I have to achieve Harmony and Balance. I love action and I also know that my challenge is to stay open, warm, real. I've recently started to realise that overwork leads to being closed, as if I have no more brain space or energy to conceive another idea or relate properly. I believe the challenge is to do with Harmony and Balance, and I need to bring more calmness to myself and into the world. So I need to STOP more often and it feels totally different from my normal itch for action.'
These days, six years later, I can see that overwork does not lead to being closed, although becoming over-tired does have that effect on me. There is too much to do! Being real, being me, being present in the moment, is not draining - it is incredibly energising!