I have separated from the family home and live in a flat two miles from my wife and children. I can see now (although I couldn't see it then!) that separation always leads to clarity. It is very unclear how the battle will end.
Just before a retreat, I am asked to explore what I believe to be my fate this lifetime.
This looks like an impossible question - even now - because any answer will come from a feeling and feelings are hard to verbalise. My answer at the time is;
'My fate seems to be to COMMIT AND APPLY openness, friendliness, inclusiveness and all the Toltec ideas to grow a successful, stable business - to bring the Toltec teachings into the business world! Mothers' Awareness in my marriage seems to have the capacity to constrain this, so my marriage has started to end. I still fight the Battle to bring inclusiveness to my wife and the children. I have lots of intent on this. So my personal challenge in this lifetime is to find the still point at the centre of the figure 8 (my jewel), TO BRING SPIRIT VIA OPENNESS, FRIENDLINESS AND INCLUSIVENESS INTO MANIFESTATION IN THE BUSINESS WORLD BY ACTION. I can feel passion for such a fate.'
I can see the mentality in this answer today but, nevertheless, Power has moved several times in my life to propel me into my experiences as a small businessman and to learn massively from that.
In September, my wife and I attend a retreat. I talk in the group about my marriage, about separation and about my fight with Mother's Awareness. My wife then shares a very hot-blooded speech about me and the Toltec teachings. It is clear she blames just about everybody, including me, Théun and the teachings. Théun keeps saying, 'There is no point in flogging a dead horse!'
After the session, she and I walk away from the retreat room and she becomes very personally abusive to me. The whole thing - the separation, the sharing in front of everyone, the intensity, is very shocking to us both.
I go and sit next to a friend and there is again an incredible feeling of warmth between two men. Indescribable, unworded love and warmth. The retreat continues and Théun comments on fate somewhat as follows;
'It is very difficult for an ordinary man to know his fate' - addressed directly to me. I can see how important it is to get a feeling for fate, otherwise I will become (and stay) 'ordinary'! I can see the importance of the previous exploration of fate.
I write a very miserable email about how unfair it is that we don't know our fate, so we are destined to become ordinary and then be constantly challenged by Power. I can see this to be true, but it is not so heavy really. Théun wrote back;
'Fate is ALL of what you have to OFFER within LIFE on the physical plane! So give yourself a good shake! Pour yourself a really STIFF brandy, and LAUGH!!! You laugh much too infrequently! LIFE is FUN, even if your wife is determined to make it DARK and GLOOMY! Thank Goodness England is greater than she is, or else it would be a HELL-HOLE!'
At the same time, my wife has been included in the Toltec Group as an apprentice, so she is in full awareness of all present and previous emails, as well as guidance from Théun. He wrote to her;
'Are you listening you old BATTLE-AXE?! Even Christ, had He met you in the face, would have welcomed the cup of poison just to get away from an old misery like you! Lighten up, woman, and learn to SMILE! God is LOVE you know? Or have you AGAIN been listening to that vicar burping and farting about hell and damnation?'
So I have my business to run, my wife and children to look after, (living only two miles away) and people are more and more demanding of my attention - every minute of the day. Théun wrote;
'Of course you must let people IN! How else can you possibly hope to learn unless you LET them in? But part and parcel of that learning, as you so rightly point out in your statement, 'So my challenge seems to be to CONTAIN my battles (not just say no!)' is HOW to RELATE properly within the GIVE and TAKE context of life!
'To only give, or to only take, or to get the balance wrong, is to upset the whole goddamned APPLE-cart, and we all know what happened when someone took a bite from the wrong apple!
'Enjoy the journey, but be careful not to identify with the role of BUTLER!'
Within my running around, I can see that I am trying to meet everyone else's needs whilst neglecting my own. This is unbalanced and exhausting.
My wife and children leave for a three-week holiday in the USA, and it is such a blessed relief, as I am still spending a lot of time with them. When they return it is clear that the marriage is over. We both got the message from a level of clarity in separation! It is over.