I am working hard and putting lots of effort into my business, resulting in the business becoming more and more successful. I spend a lot of time facilitating groups. I have learned, from the Toltec teachings and by observing Théun in Retreats, that it is so important to get good at listening, but not normal listening - listening with every fibre of your being! I am practicing this at work - big time. I wrote at the time;
'I think I learned from the experience by listening more in the moment, and some Groups allow that quality. It came about by dropping my preconceptions of what was going to happen.
'I believe my challenge next time will be to listen even more. As I recap this experience I still find myself in the meeting judging others and not trusting their judgement; almost as if I'm judging their judgement. I realise this means I already miss such a lot.'
The group are bringing to my attention that I am in Mother's Awareness (still) and that I have lots of pent-up emotion. The idea that I have, for instance, bottled-up anger or sadness is news to me!
'But I think YOU could turn ANYTHING into an effort! Even watching the most beautiful SUN-SET is no doubt an effort! Embrace the death of the old, with every fibre of your being! Learn what it is to CRY, and then MOVE ON! But whilst you continue to suppress your tears, everything is just TOO MUCH effort!'
'You have so much pent-up emotion that needs some form of release. Whenever you speak you add so much to the group, please share more.'
I experience a new business challenge when I want to merge my business with another IT company. My business partner doesn't want this change and, by both of us talking openly about what we both want and need, we find a good way forward to split the business. We use our feelings and it works out simply and beautifully - just from becoming REAL.
In approaching this challenge and THINKING about it, I do feel a strong fear of conflict and an even deeper fear of 'rejection'. I can't really read-across this mirror into my marriage at all and don't even try! It's almost as if I am blind to an obvious mirror. For instance, with a shortcoming of bigotry, I am finding it very difficult to truly listen to my wife (as a bigot, I already know the answers!), yet that is precisely what I am practicing big-time at work.
So my marriage continues to be a struggle. We are working harder at the relationship and seeing lots of toxic patterns. On the surface, we are playing at applying the Toltec teachings but without a lot of heart.
We have regular heart-to-heart sessions and have recently decided to stay together and do something different. We have developed strategies for those things that seem hard to do in practice, (positive regard, less criticism), and the battle is still on - but we are still together.
It seems like we are learning our relationship anew by trial and error.
I've learned that lack of intelligent co-operation leads to self-pity in my case. I've also learned that strategies for mutual upliftment work best from the heart. I still don't feel very good about the relationship. It's about male and female awareness and I know that I still don't provide enough of a lead.
The group challenge me strongly regarding how much I want the relationship; how much I am committed to it. For instance:
"Considered" your marriage?! What do you really want? If you REALLY want this marriage, then you will have to fight to claim your Maleness with every fibre of your being."
'To intelligently co-operate is not a possible battle. It is THE battle. It is necessary to intelligently co-operate with your dreamer. This you know, and to do so you are guided by your feelings (dreamer) and you can only co-operate by ACTING on those feelings.'
"Your emotions will guide you to your true feelings, then it is a MATTER that you take courage and ACT. By DOING this paradoxically difficult and yet simple ACT, depending where you place the focus, you WILL start to intelligently co-operate with your dreamer and your wife. The responsibility is placed on YOU as the male to PROVIDE THE LEAD. By fighting for YOURSELF you will automatically be fighting for your children."
"How about really providing a TRUE male lead by starting off with the question: "Do I really WANT this relationship to work?" Answer this for yourself, by yourself, and then ask your wife the same question. Then as the male put BOTH of your answers together and see what is the outcome. What I am saying is KEEP IT SIMPLE, mother!"
"IF this relationship is IMPORTANT enough for both of you, then you will also BOTH have the WILLINGNESS to FIGHT for it with every fibre of your being, instead of arguing about knitting patterns!!! Goddamit! Find your bloody balls if you ever had any to start with! And stop your boring pissing and moaning! You are more mother than your wife ever could be!"