Obsession, the shortcoming, ARTICLE ON from Warriors' Journeys

  • Obsession, the shortcoming, ARTICLE ON

Shortly after I joined the group I started to bleed, which showed a threatened miscarriage in my 6th week of pregnancy. This was just after my husband challenged me on our marriage.

I acknowledged he did not want the baby, and that our marriage may not survive. I knew the driving force for having the baby had been me, and I had showed little regard for his needs. I knew that if I lost the baby I had no chance of getting pregnant again through my husband, and I was hugely holding onto the hope of keeping the pregnancy.

I went through huge amounts of fear of loss, self-pity and worry, because I was so attached to an outcome - keeping the pregnancy - which I knew was not that likely to materialise. I indulged in internal dialogue. Although it was never going to be a happy or easy time, I now see how much worse I myself made it through a combination of my shortcoming (Obsession with the need to control), and fear of an outcome I did not like. Basically I wanted the world under control and on my own terms!

I justified how I behaved by complaining about what a difficult situation it was, and that I was 'coping'. My focus was simply on coping and hoping the outcome would come, rather than acknowledging that this was for my benefit to look, reassess and learn. I wanted everyone to be nice and comforting and not confronting. Of course the group did have the courage and kindness to confront me.

As I got over feeling hard-done-by and attacked, I was able to see how my life's circumstances had changed since I conceived, and that the dreamer who had chosen my husband and myself as parents now needed to decide if we would still provide what he needed to learn in this lifetime.

Then I became angry with my husband for changing our life's circumstances!

It was not until later, after I had miscarried, that I was willing to look at the real gifts for myself.