One of my strongest patterns is what I call the mission complex.
Of course, being a Man of Action it is only natural to perceive myself on a mission. But it can be a very deep pattern. I will give one example of how it works.
I was 18 years old and working as a lifeguard on the beach of the biggest summer resort in Bulgaria. I was a water polo player and captain of my team.
The Turkish water polo team was visiting and I became friends with their captain. One day while we were having a merry conversation, all of a sudden I jumped up and stormed into the sea, because there was a man drowning. I saved him, pulling him onto the shore. But during the experience I found myself surrounded in the sea by the whole team wanting to help me. :) This incident strengthened the bond between us.
The Turks were quite attractive to the young females and they knew it. On the beach they were busy pulling girls and organising meetings for that night's disco. It was through the captain of the Turkish team that I met up with a Norwegian girl and her sister. We spent the night talking and dancing, and the attraction was mutual. The day after, we had a meeting with the two sisters in town. I was also with my long-time friend.
After quite a lot of alcohol we went to spend the night in my friend's parents house. They were absent, so we thought there would be a very good opportunity for us to enjoy ourselves. I had some experience with girls before, but did not have experience with full sex, so I was looking forward very intently to my first time.
To cut a long story short we went to bed. I went with the older sister into one room and my friend went with the younger sister into the other room. We got undressed and jumped into bed. Then the struggle started. She allowed me to touch her but not to penetrate her. After more than two hours of wrestling she said yes!
Well, then I found that I could not do it. I tried for an hour longer but to no avail. Then I jumped up and got out of bed. I went to the kitchen and started masturbating and looking into the mirror and was spitting at the image in front of me. LOL! The fact that I heard the bed rattling in the room where my friend was with the other sister did not help at all, and even made me hate myself with passion. Finally, a wing of my fate touched me gently and I quietly went into my room. I did apologize to her for the…err…drama. Of course I did not really give up on myself, but with a secret glee on my face was waiting for the morning. LOL!
The fateful morning came eventually, but I found myself woken up by the ringing of the telephone. My friend called to say that my father was on the phone. I went to speak with my father, but he started giving me grief about why I did not come back home last night. I was livid! LMAO! Needless to say my ambitious strategy and enthusiasm vanished at the speed of light. LOL!
I could see in this example that the pattern, (my mission complex), is two sides of the same coin. The negative - intensity, and the positive - winning against the odds.
In my learning to transmute the intensity into a caring for myself, I found my strength - the strength to hold the tension of the polarities. My experience is like developing an inner muscle, the muscle of forbearance. And a middle way opens when there is a balance.