Since I found the manuals and since I began to receive guidance from Théun, both my-SELF and my life have changed in many ways.
One of these changes is my ability to be more male. For most of my life, I did not know the purpose of the male. So in not having this knowledge, how could I possibly live the life of a male?
My natural instincts and the example I was shown by other males, both only brought me confusion as to how I should act as a male. When it came to relationships with women, there was the biggest source of confusion. As I grew up, I was always told to respect the female! Then as I was being educated at school, all the other boys were talking about what they could get from the girls. What was she like? What did you get from her? Is she riding?
When I started working, it was even worse. Married men were talking about their wives and what they got last night. I soon found out that women were talking in the same way about the men. Love and sex were taken to be one and the same. A lot of relationships were based on SEX. I also began to live my life in this way. LAMOF.
When I met a girl, there was something inside me telling me to respect her. Yet my mind was telling me that she will have no interest in me if I did not try to have sex included in the relationship from the beginning. She will go back to tell her friends that I was no good! He is too quiet! He did not even try me! Even if she refuses, try, because if you do not and she wants to have sex, she will not be meeting with you again.
I realise now that this was my EGO and my need to defend it. I can see now that part of my challenge was to identify my sense of fear of being criticised, my fear of being exposed and my fear of being judged. I can now also see plainly that I was also the one who was judging my-SELF. LAMOF!
From self-judgment comes the sense of unworthiness. Once this began to develop, my sense of the need to cover it up also came. I developed my sense of self-importance more and more. Then whenever I was challenged on my sense of self-importance, I would defend it with all resources available to me, out of fear my unworthiness would be uncovered.
So I began to do as others did, but unless I was in a steady relationship, it did not feel right to me. However, in the confusion, I listened to my mind instead of listening to my HEART. :(
I got married and guess what! I married a woman who was in male mode. She was the oldest girl in her family. Her mother was ill on and off for years, and she had taken over the role of "the mother" in her house. She took care of all her siblings!
In our relationship, she carried on the role of "mother". At that time I had not got the knowledge to see what was happening. I was fighting against it, but I did not know what I was really fighting against. I started to find ways of getting out of the house. I see it now as "escapism".
I can also see now, that when I was at home, I began to step back to avoid the arguments. Basically I was being a "little boy," doing what "mother" was telling me. I more or less gave up my role of providing the lead for my family in a life-supportive way, because I thought it was easier and there were fewer arguments. LAMOF!
I can see now that the more I engaged in escaping, the more I was providing escapism as a lead. How could my wife or anyone else follow a lead like that?
I can now see my sons doing the same thing. RUN for cover every time there is a problem. :( I can see the same behaviour pattern with my relatives. So these behaviour patterns are not just individually-based. They run through families and communities. EGOTISM is one of the BIGGEST CHALLENGES facing humanity today, but most of humanity does not understand this challenge.
One other aspect I have grasped that comes up with regard to women. When the man is providing a strong life-supportive lead, she will begin to feel safe and contained. It is important for her to understand what is happening for her. In understanding, she must allow herself to step back and to take his lead. If she does not do this, she will remain in "mother mode," which is the male side of the woman. Then she is not being a true female. When she steps back and follows his lead, she will be supporting his purpose and in doing so, will also be fulfilling her own purpose in being female and the purpose of the Unspeakable.
Many women and men are confused between the "warmth" that is associated with nurturing and caring, and the "warmth" of true UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, which is INTENT :), the intent of the Unspeakable. It is this intent that we are all striving towards on our journeys together.
I have a better understanding today about the responsibility that comes with being a man on the physical plane. He must provide "the lead". So he has to be wide awake as to the kind of lead he is providing. He must use his discrimination to choose between a lead that is life-supportive and that is life-destructive. Even if he is pretending to be weak, he is still providing a lead, which will most likely create something destructive.
The male, being a representative of the Spirit of man on the physical plane, has the ability to create. Once he impregnates the female with that purpose, it will be up to her to decide whether she is going to conceive his purpose or abort it. The female means not only the woman in his life, but also his children. Whether his children are male or female, they are all feminine in relation to him. He also has to discriminate between the ways he is creating in the greater female, the great Mother of all of us. Is his creation destructive or life-supportive?