Co-dependency, ARTICLE ON from Warriors' Journeys


  • Co-dependency, ARTICLE ON

Two friends left recently, and I was feeling the tensions. Tensions of course is the "right" word for them, but it was not the same as I had previously experienced tensions - it was more of a 'numbing' sensation. I could tell there was clearly something that I did not grasp.

What I WAS missing, because of my altruism (primary shortcoming), was to make the experience, as it transpired for me, about my OWN self, instead of worrying or wanting to sort them out. In this context it is not the first time that I had stepped into the same hole by not making a situation about myself, and hence not owning my responsibility, as well as inherent gift of power from it fully. I'm emphasizing this because it is an important point for me, and as I mentioned I have an altruism as a shortcoming! <g> In other words, it is all too easy to focus and get lost in other people's problems and challenges, and thus I cannot afford to lose sight of this tendency.

But to digress for a moment, perhaps I should clarify first what I mean exactly by the phrase "making a situation or experience about myself". The phase is not meant as in becoming self-centred, but rather the opposite - as in becoming selfish - in a good way. In other words, placing the focus on the INNER values, the self, and hence achieving detachment from the situation as opposed to becoming swallowed by it.

In this particular situation, there was clearly some co-dependency issue between these two friends, who were brothers, with one still feeling 'smaller', and thus not fully standing his own ground. It is this particular perception of one-self that I could clearly relate to, as in my life I also often felt like a "smaller brother/friend". For whatever reason since childhood I ended up having friends who were older, and in the few cases where they were not "older" in age, they were still more "developed" or "successful" in my perception, and hence more often than not I would follow them around while also feeling dependent upon them.

Therefore it was this lack of self-belief which was being mirrored in this particular situation, as well as providing quite REAL tensions that were running and guiding further and deeper within. Staying longer with these tensions allowed me to see more clearly my own past, and to explore the unresolved conflicts and experiences related to similar feelings. In short, it has led to recapitulation.