During the times spent in visiting my parents I started to notice that an otherwise almost forgotten pattern was beginning to emerge. The closest description of this pattern that I can find is aggressiveness, or a desire to react out of anger to certain actions or attitudes of my parents or relatives. Because I have not lived with them for many years now, and visit them only once a year or so (although we have regular telephone contact), I at first attributed this tendency to those aspects of the past that I have still not dealt with, and which become easily activated when we are physically in the same space.
Our parents are our parents, and they have a certain way of looking at us and interacting with us. In some respects we are still for them the children we were in our youth, and so naturally our perceptions clash. In my case, as I found, the frequent reaction is the thought pattern of judging or wanting to judge. Of course, I have learnt over the years not to express that aggressive "irritation" outwardly all the time. However, restraining the outer made absolutely no difference in how I felt about myself. During my last visit to my parents' home the situation was particularly strongly prompted in this direction. At the same time it had about it very objective circumstances, and thus it just could not possibly have any "ill intentions" behind it. The result of this was that I was forced to look very deeply at why I was reacting and feeling like a victim, even if only inwardly, when objectively there was no reason for that.
It became clear to me later that to make real progress with this recoiling back to the old, I would first have to drop the 'judgment act', and admit full responsibility for my experiences. In other words, the blame game just had to stop. Starting from this, I have found, that firstly what spurred the behaviour was my own fear of being judged, or rather, to be perceived "wrongly". This fear took many very different forms and appearances. It manifested especially as self-judgment, or rather self-flagellation. LOL. Very limiting indeed.
What I am finding is that once this fear is dealt with the aggression starts falling into its proper place. Basically, the ways of channelling the underlying anger are starting to appear. One possibility I have found is to direct it towards the fear itself, so the two emotions become balanced. Another - can be used for finding detachment. And the third option is to turn the aggression/anger into humour. One example that I can share is the situation that happened immediately after the last visit to my home town, at the airport.
There was a usual metal detector frame before the check-in point, and the two young ladies were doing the checks. When I took a tray and started to empty my pockets from all the metal things, one of these ladies started talking to me. However, for whatever reason the tone of her demeanour was far from friendly. LOL. She was practically giving an order Nazi style - to take OFF my shoes FIRST and to put them on the conveyer belt! This, was despite the fact that there was nobody behind, so there obviously was no rush! Before I even looked at these ladies I registered a HUGE wave of anger coming up through my body, and I could swear that if it was a man I would tear him in cold blood right on the spot. However, when I looked at both of them, I saw that their eyes were calm and that they were very young and good looking ladies. LOL. Also, despite the threatening demeanour of their speech it was clearly a learnt and a typical Soviet behaviour, still dispensed out of habit in Russia.
Seeing all this, I took a quiet breath, and in a soft and very warm voice said - "Just a moment. I will take my belt off first, and then my shoes and the rest will follow." At which I took off my belt, looking them in the eyes, and put it in the tray with a quiet smile. :)