Sexuality, suppressed, ARTICLE ON from Warriors' Journeys

  • Sexuality, suppressed, ARTICLE ON

(Part 1)

I would like to share about certain experiences in my life, experiences that at times caused a great deal of frustration and unsettling emotions, and thus were very difficult to come to grips with in terms of their true meaning. These experiences relate directly to one of the main challenges in my life, namely, suppressed sexuality.

For those who have encountered such a challenge in their own lives, the detailed description of the underlying manifestations would not be necessary. However, from my own experience I can say that it has been described with enormous accuracy in Chapter 25 (The Weak Father) in Volume III. If I try to give a concise summary of my own state of being as a result of suppressed sexuality, this would be: a very despondent and joyless state, in which any creative urge and desire towards self-expression are extinguished.

If one finds oneself in such a state, but is genuinely starting to seek objectivity on the issue, it can be quite depressing at first, for naturally questions arise, such as, "What possible gifts of power can I find in such an utter mess? And how can I ever hope to change it?"

I had encountered these sorts of questions a huge number of times. However, gradually I had to learn not to indulge in them, but rather to use them as a starting point in addressing the sense of helplessness that they convey. This initial detachment allows getting deeper into the emotion, whatever the current emotion is, but not in a sense of being passive and thus submitting to it, but rather immersing in it consciously, as a diver would immerse himself in the sea.

I would like to share one example from my own experience which had started at one of the retreats. At one of the sessions I was asking Théun about the context of my current challenge with my shortcoming of altruism. It was a particular aspect I had started to encounter again at that time, namely, the tendencies in my behaviour (emotional and mental) towards submissiveness and co-dependency. A night earlier I had a dream, which made it very clear that such a state of being is linked very closely with my father, but I was not clear on why exactly.

Now I have to mention something which is relevant here. This is that my father and I have the same first names, and because I'm a Russian my second name also derives from the same, being my father's name. For Toltecs the names are very important for they indicate the direction one's fate and destiny take in any current lifetime. The second name indicates latent abilities or talents, while the first one pertains to the current unfolding of fate. Because of this it became apparent that my father's influence is very strong in my life, and that somehow this influence concerns both my challenges in life, as well as my abilities to tackle them.

Théun expressed, that for some reason from early on in life energy fields of my father and mine became entangled, and it is this entanglement which I now need to work on resolving, essentially, by working together with my father. I did not know why, but I felt both surprised as well as relieved to hear this. As if suddenly a certain door in my life had started to open.

I have to mention upfront though, that I had to take this guidance way beyond the face value, simply for the reason that my father and I are living in two different countries. However, and whatever I did, over time I did indeed manage to establish a closer connection with my father. So much so, that gradually the common issues in personal explorations started to arise from similar inner challenges, thus also giving me the opportunity to speak to my father from my experience and knowledge of the teachings. Furthermore, more recently even common challenges in the physical world started to appear, such as, for example, my father and I working together on confronting local officials about illegal logging in the town that I'm from.

These are the results, however, the process of getting to this point was often very frustrating to say the least, but I must say, that diligent application of recapitulation of my life experiences, including those way back in early childhood, has been absolutely essential. It is namely this technique, as well as the not-doing of habitual behaviour patterns and the common view of the world, which allow me to persistently claim my strength, self-confidence and the inner sense of freedom. First of all - the freedom to once again start feeling not only the deep joy of being alive, but also inherent creative urges, which in turn allow me to exercise much more fully my abilities and faculties as a male, and thus to uncover and fulfill my potential. In other words, day by day my former suppressed sexuality is being expelled by newly found creativity and imagination, while the continuous communication with both of my parents allows me to also apply the technique of erasing personal history, which further assists the whole process of transformation. Thus, I notice that as I change, my parents also change, despite the fact they have probably long since lost any conscious hope of changing themselves and their lives.

I will describe some of the realisations and deeper meaning of the events, related to my challenges and experiences in another article.