In the context of what I have shared in a previous article, I would like to share more details of the challenges and experiences I have had relating to the issue of suppressed sexuality.
After guidance from Théun about the role of my father and my challenge, I recalled some more guidance that Théun gave me at the very beginning of my journey on the Warrior's Path. Then, he pointed out that my greatest fear in life is in believing that I can never be a male like my father, fearing that I will always be less than him in my own and in other people's perception. Also, and as I grasped a bit later, it was connected to my fear of the female, as well as with the particular way in which my father expresses his maleness and sexuality.
After connecting the dots, and in order not to become completely swallowed up by all the details and technicalities involved, the only option left was simply to immerse myself deeper and deeper into recapitulation. There was not much choice at that moment, as I mentioned before that my father and I live in different countries and mostly interact via telephone. Thus I continued working on myself and exploring various aspects of my awareness, while trying to understand why I called all of this forth.
The connection between everything that has been described above with suppressed sexuality was obvious to me. However, what was elusive was my father's role, or in other words - how my perception of my father affected or influenced my sexuality so that it had become suppressed. I should pause at this point and mention that for a male, sexuality in the true sense of the word is literally the same as his maleness, or his sense of maleness (masculinity).
Naturally, the influence of a father in this case is paramount for a son. Probably, this coupled together with the influence of my shortcoming of altruism, had resulted in me seeing my father as a hero figure, the impression being amplified by the fact that he was a very talented electronics engineer. At the same time his relationship with my mother was filled with inner conflict, something that hardly ever surfaced or was spoken about in our family. In short, what happened as a result of this was that, because of my altruism on the one hand, and the tendency to perceive my father as a hero or god-like figure on the other, I had started from very early on in life masking and hiding from myself any negative sides of my father or of his behaviour. Thus, as I was growing up I had continued to feel myself less than my father in a sense that I will never be like him. By doing this, I was unconsciously and constantly changing or tuning my perception, so as not to notice his shortcomings, whilst at the same time making my own perception identical to his. As a result, his shortcomings and challenges also became mine. For example, after some time this state of affairs had started to strongly affect my relationship with my mother, making it incredibly tense.
Another description of this process is that by ignoring the shortcomings of my father and making them mine, I had started to identify with him, or rather with his awareness, and it is this factor that entangled our luminous fibres. Also, because of this I became hooked to my father, and it was from here that my sense of co-dependency and submissiveness started. It was the same with sexuality, for in a sense I had abandoned or refused it, by not believing that I was worthy as a male, while at the same time becoming obsessed with sex and also fearing being judged or disapproved of some way.
Of course, there is a purpose in everything, not that it can always be seen straightaway. For example, in this story too there are many factors which are not possible to describe or even to mention at this point. However, it is a journey, and I am learning to enjoy the process of self discovery, rather than becoming obsessed with the goal.
I have to say also, that the clarity on the experiences described above was not the result of rational thinking or memorising, but was the result of rather extensive recapitulation. As I grasped from this experience, when starting to work with this kind of challenge it is impossible to predict upfront where one will end up, or how decisive such an end will be. That is why logical thinking alone is not of much value. What does work, however, is following one's feelings on the one hand whilst, on the other hand, using the challenges of one's everyday life as assistance. The latter is absolutely crucial and should not be ignored. For example, although for a number of years I did not have regular contact with my father, I never doubted that challenges in my life follow a certain pattern, and thus they are providing purposeful guidance. People I have met, my work, the books and materials that I have found, emotions and feelings, as well the mirrors in my life - all of these stimulate and direct the process. That is why whenever recapitulation is mentioned, it implies reference to a whole spectrum of techniques. It is worth keeping in mind that the Toltec teachings are applied in their entirety, as all of their aspects are interrelated.