HOW I FOUND THE WARRIOR'S PATH
But It seems that something has happened that has never happened before: although we know not just when, or why, or how, or where.
Men have left GOD not for other gods, they say, but for no god; and this has never happened before
That men both deny gods and worship gods, professing first Reason,
And then Money, and Power, and what they call Life, or Race or Dialectic.
The Church disowned, the tower overthrown, the bells upturned,
what have we to do
But stand with empty hands and palms turned upwards
In an age which advances progressively backwards?
T.S. Eliot - Choruses from "The Rock"
Like a lot of people in the world today, I used to spend hours discussing the current situation of mankind and the decadence of its civilisation. I'd find many to agree with me and we would expand into endless conversations condemning materialism, greed and what we called the "apathy" of our fellow men. But all these conversations were entirely academic. It never occurred to us that we were as much a part of the apathy as the next person.
We enjoyed listening to ourselves talking and when we called it a night, we went home arrogantly happy that at least we weren't like those sheep out there. Especially those of us who had taken it one step further, who had searched the internet and the alternative literature and who had discovered everything about the secret societies and the secret brotherhoods that run the world behind the scenes!
It went on for years and during that time I never paused for one second in order to examine my own inner status, my own relationship to life and to the world. I never realised that what was being materialized around me was in total correspondence with aspects of my own self. Every time I felt that something was wrong with my life I'd conveniently find some outside factor, an enemy against whom I would gladly engage in playing the blame game.
The irony of the situation was that even though I came to reject the system of values I was supposed to adopt from my social conditioning, I had totally embraced all those distractions the very same social conditioning was selling me! So I started indulging in having fun in all sorts of fun places, consuming alcohol and engaging in a distorted idea of what constitutes flirting. I started following the various sports events and I was a great supporter of "my team!"
I treated life as if it were a vacation, and I went through it as if I were an immortal being! I chose not to see that it is impossible to have fun and be happy if there isn't anything genuinely beautiful, anything truly worth supporting in one's life. I just wanted to continue earning enough money in order to be able to finance the lifestyle I thought I enjoyed, while I kept fooling myself by believing that because I read all these alternative or spiritual books, I was not like the rest of the shallow people around me.
It wasn't long before the antithesis I was manifesting in my life caught up with me. I realised that without a life-supportive system of values, I was about to compromise even the most elementary principles of my personal code of ethics. I realised that I had long ago ceased to find heart in or to enjoy my profession, even though when I started I had a lot of enthusiasm.
It was approximately at the same time that I also realised that due to my unwillingness to experience any sort of real commitment, I also didn't have any meaningful relationships in my life. I had formed all kinds of theories concerning how petty or bourgeois the concept of committing to a relationship was. I was more than happy to share my theories with anyone willing to listen and I could find plenty. What I didn't want to admit, obviously because there is nothing anti-establishment about it, was the fact that I didn't want anything to interfere with my idea of what constitutes having fun.
Those realisations left me with a profound sense of emptiness. I could not find any sort of joy or heart in my professional life. At the same time my distractions and my idea of what fun was were not working for me anymore. Even though I was not consciously aware of the concept of mirrors, there were plenty of people around me mirroring for me that exact life situation. I thought then that some of them were my friends, but we had actually become partners in crime supporting each other's weaknesses.
The world situation kept deteriorating but it was the fault of the conspirators. My own personal life was deteriorating, but again I'd find plenty whom I could blame. The narrower my view of the world became, the more I used the blame game as a means of suppressing the voice of my own inner being. I was extremely angry and I desperately needed an outside object against which I could turn that anger.
However, the real source of that anger was the fact that Life had made it absolutely clear to me that I could not have life on my own terms, that there was a fate that I had to meet and that I couldn't duck and dive for ever. When I finally came to realise this, I chose to place the focus on the negative side of life, I chose to punish the world for not succumbing to the dictates of my little self. Insane as it may sound, I was determined not to abandon a totally life-destructive view of the world that was not serving me or anybody else!
But even though I didn't want to admit it then, I was stubbornly fighting a battle I had no chance of winning. When I demonstrated my determination to maintain the fixation of my destructive patterns at all cost, things escalated rapidly. Both my personal and my professional life literally crashed. Even the most basic acts of everyday life became a huge burden. Soon I found it difficult to even leave the false safety of my home, for I received severe panic attacks each time I walked outside.
To put it in a nutshell, I had reached a point of crisis, a point where I would have to re-examine my whole life and discover what it was that had brought me there, what it was that I needed to change as an act of survival.