Something has been disturbing me for a while about your postings to the group. When I read your post to N my feeling was clear; you are indulging in being the VICTIM and playing the role of MARTYR. One wouldn't say so looking at the face value of your words, but they are clinical and cold. It's as though you are viewing yourself from a distance and in a way quite unrelated to yourself. Why are you so afraid of being REAL?
This was confirmed for me when I read your post concerning your diet and the catering arrangements for the retreat. You couldn't solicit more attention if you tried, and the martyr was in full flight.
Have you ever paused to consider why you have a pancreas disorder? The pancreas is the physical expression of the solar plexus center situated in the luminous cocoon and governs our emotions. Bear in mind also that our emotions are the expression of our dreamers' intent on the physical plane. For the pancreas to malfunction you need to be separative in the extreme, not only towards yourself and your dreamer, but also towards life in general. You cannot continue to suppress your emotions without dire consequences.
This separativeness is usually masked by being the proverbial do-gooder: "Look how good I am; look at everything I do for those around me." You are trying to save the world when what is required is that you save yourself. Hence the justification for indulging in victimhood. "Nobody understands me or my pain."
Z, it's time to get real. You cannot brush aside the past or the present in an intellectual fashion; you need to experience life. You must endeavour with every fiber of your being to open your heart, to be more inclusive and to embrace all of life.
With warm regards,