Start from where you are at. Remember what Théun said to you on the retreat? You have been living a lie and haven't changed it, because you are too lazy to. That is not a crime, and feeling guilty is a waste of time. Acknowledge honestly where you are at, and then one step at a time you can begin to move forward into a new reality and a new life. I'm not implying that those steps are at all easy, but if you WANT to you WILL. It's ALL up to you!
With warm regards,