Théun Mares, addressing his apprentices, on Relationships from Warriors' Experience

  • Théun Mares, addressing his apprentices, on Relationships
  • Relationship (s), Théun addressing his apprentices on

Dear All,

It saddens me deeply to see how relationships all over the world today continue to deteriorate and ultimately to fall apart! How much more pain of loss must humanity experience before men and women learn the meaning of gender and the art of intelligent co-operation? But let us look at a few of the more critical issues many of you are battling with at this time within your relationships, for you are after all, the microcosm of the macrocosm.

Whilst the female keeps telling the male that he must first claim his power as a male before she will stop being mother there is in-deed no hope, and no way forward! If we bear in mind that the male embodies the nagal and the female the tonal, then it is clear to see that for the tonal to tell the spirit what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, is just ridiculous! Therefore whilst the woman continues to tell the man what, how and when, she MUST and WILL be mother, and the man cannot but help to either REBEL or else to feel like a FAILURE! ONLY WHEN the woman is FULLY prepared to CONCEIVE the male's purpose does it become possible to initiate true intelligent co-operation. Only then!!!

In this respect, remember that the act of conception IS the act of perception, meaning that the woman MUST not only CONCEIVE the male's lead, but MUST also bring it to birth in the sense of MATERIALISING it! In other words, the woman must be fully willing to GRASP the lead the male IS giving her with every fibre of her being, and then she MUST TAKE that lead fully! To grasp this it will help if you consider physical conception. There is just simply no such thing as a PARTIAL conception! It is either a FULL conception or nothing! Likewise is there no such thing as a partial birth/delivery of an infant. There is either a FULL birth of a HEALTHY child, or else the infant is STILLBORN. Anything else results in an ABORTION! And sadly, this is exactly what most couples' attempts at intelligent co-operation amount to, namely, an abortion! But even where initially there has been conception, the male's lead will still all too often end up being "stillborn", simply because the woman vacillates backwards and forwards between TAKING the male's lead, and then wanting to GIVE him the lead!

So often a woman will retort in anger, "But how can I conceive the sod's purpose when he HIMSELF does not even know what his purpose is?" Yet such RE-ACTIONS are indicative of mother NOT wanting to take the male's lead, and looking for ANY excuse not to do so! Who of us KNOW what the purpose of the Unspeakable really is? And who of us can DEMAND that the spirit TELL us here and now what its purpose is?! Crazy? And yet women do it ALL the time! "Prove to me that you KNOW what the hell you are doing, and then maybe, MAYBE, I will decide to take your lead!" Mother can be SO arrogant and self-righteous! But who of us can do this with the spirit? Prove to me? Well, yes! WHACK! And I am suddenly down on BOTH knees wondering how come LIFE is such a bitch! We MUST BELIEVE that the spirit DOES know what it is doing, and take the lead it is providing us with, or else rebel and suffer the consequences!

What is the lead of the spirit? LIFE of course! With ALL of its challenges! ANY relationship, including our relationship with the spirit, with life, with the true self, can ONLY develop and evolve through the medium of challenges! There is simply no other way! But the problem is that people do not WANT challenges, they do not WANT to learn, they do not WANT to grow! And therefore mother keeps saying, "Piss off, you JERK! You are so goddamned INEPT that the only thing you can do is to keep on upsetting the applecart! HERE! Let ME drive the damned thing!"

How EASY it is to relate to the world "out there" when we can always CHOOSE to run home/away for a little while if the going gets a bit too tough in the moment. But in a personal relationship there is nowhere to run to, no time off! Yet it is always the MIRROR which is by far the worst! Even IF it is a PAST mirror, it is just so goddamned REAL and IN one's face!!! But by keeping it SIMPLE, OPEN and HONEST it is never too difficult to find our way. The problem arises when we try to justify our actions or to skirt around the REAL issues by not wanting to confront, to maybe hurt or be hurt! But in moments like these the best policy is always total ruthlessness, both with oneself and with the other person. Nevertheless, it is NOT easy, and therefore the need to take CARE in HOW we address each other.

None of us can ever be offended by the truth, but what often does offend and hurt very deeply is the MANNER in which that truth is presented. Is it presented GENTLY and FIRMLY? Or is it being used as a WEAPON with which to emotionally beat up the other person? Gentle, firm ruthlessness is one thing, but an emotional ATTACK upon the other person, is generally never needed except for where one is having to deal with a brick wall! Brick walls do, of course, exist, but generally speaking, when BOTH people are honest and willing to learn and to move forward, there should not be a RESISTANCE towards each other.

Remember too that in speaking about the female placing her life in the hands of the male, this is merely a figure of speech portraying not only her complete TRUST in the male, but also the male's responsibility towards the female. In truth none of us can hold within our grasp or control the FREE SPIRIT of any being. You can only SHARE each other's lives - but not each other's LIFE!!! Ponder upon this subtle but powerful difference. The keyword is SHARING!

Sharing our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes, dreams, fears, doubts and whatever else! Yet such sharing is not just in words, but also in ACTIONS, big and small, conspicuous and understated. But the greatest sharing of all is in being able to both GIVE and RECEIVE. Many people know how to give, but they do not know how to receive. Giving and receiving cannot be taken at face value, for if we do we inevitably walk into the trap of UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS! Learn to give and to receive WITHOUT expectation. Only then will you begin to experience the freedom and the joy that come from unconditional love.

Often men ask me, "How am I going to provide the lead, point out the direction and the METHOD to be employed?" And my answer is always the same, namely, "By LISTENING to your heart! And then being PRACTICAL! It is quite as simple as that!"

Where there is a FULL COMMITMENT and a heartfelt WILLINGNESS, any relationship can be made to work. Yet bear in mind at all times that any relationship is NOT a GOAL to be reached, but a JOURNEY of a lifetime! It takes HARD work, and always do those goddamned thorns get in the way! :) But then, as you know, without the thorns there can be no rose! Enjoy the journey, for we never know when it can suddenly end! Learn to live every day without regrets, without remorse. A well-spent life is a life in which there are NO regrets! A sad life is one filled with unhappy memories of having been an arsehole all one's life!

As I have already stated earlier, it is absolutely VITAL that the woman steps back for the male and stops trying to mother him. But by the same token, it is equally VITAL that when the woman does step back, the male does NOT let her down in the sense of not providing a good strong lead! All too often this is exactly what does happen! The woman steps back and the man, breathing a huge sigh of relief, sinks back into his "armchair", picks up his "newspaper" and proceeds to become a lazy, uncommunicative slob! In this respect, remember that in order for the male to provide a strong and CLEAR lead he MUST SHARE FULLY with the female and be explicit in his communications. However, so often when feeling unsure about themselves or about the situations within their lives, men will not share openly with the woman, because of fearing to be misunderstood, or being seen to be weak!

Then again at other times, men will often just ASSUME that the woman can SMELL what he is intending, or worse still, he makes a decision but FORGETS to tell her! But, gentlemen, PLEASE! There is really no need for me to rewrite the Male book in the form of emails! Read AGAIN how to provide the lead, how to point out the direction and to how to prescribe the method to be employed. But remember always that providing the lead does NOT mean being DICTATORIAL or a male chauvinist!!! Providing the lead really means INCLUDING the female FULLY within your life in every way possible! And this includes LISTENING to her with EVERY fibre of your being and without prejudice! Furthermore, remember that the more female she becomes, the more and more irrational she will become, meaning that she will be giving you HER feelings, which WILL be the POLAR OPPOSITE of your own, and therefore do not make the MISS-TAKE of invalidating her feelings, or wanting HER to please explain herself! If you do, you will be forcing her straight back into mother's awareness!

Remember too that it is never EASY to be confronted with ruthless honesty, but, once again, IF we are truly wanting to LISTEN and to LEARN, it is perfectly possible to remain OPEN and OBJECTIVE, even IF our emotions are running wild as a result of what we are being told about our behaviour. And remember too that it IS the BEHAVIOUR that is being addressed, and NOT you the person! The problem lies in one's IDENTIFICATION with one's behaviour and one's self-image, not the ruthlessness or the confrontation as such! Therefore learn to DETACH, and in time the identification begins to drop away, and it is this which ultimately leads to TRUE freedom, that is, freedom from identification with the FORM.

Females also often say to me, "I am eager to leave the mother behind and get closer to becoming a true female. But, I don't want to fall over myself in my haste." And my response to this statement is also always the same, namely, "Then remember not to be goal orientated! Enjoy the JOURNEY moment by moment, step by step!"

Defensiveness comes in a great many different guises, from the gross to the subtle! Gross defensiveness is always clear to see, but not so the subtle forms, such as, not really listening with EVERY fibre of one's being, wanting to have the last say, trying to duck and dive an issue by subtly slanting either one's own words, or the words of the other person, so as to fit one's own opinion of the issue under discussion! Perhaps one of the most well-known forms of defensiveness comes in the shape of, "Yes! I HEAR you, BUT......", or alternatively, "I will work with what you have shared with me!"

Yes, by ALL means, by EVERY means, work with what has been shared with you, but DO so also IN the moment! The power always does lie IN the moment, and NOT later, or tomorrow, or next week! By working OPENLY with something IN the moment you can then work TOGETHER WITH the other person in trying to resolve the issue TOGETHER, rather than by yourself and only for yourself. If you wish to have a relationship, then learn to build that relationship TOGETHER! We CANNOT build a relationship with another person by ourselves! We can and MUST claim our power by ourselves and for ourselves, but NOT so a relationship!!!

Often people will say to me that they are offended when someone they are interacting with starts to swear. But why should swearing offend the warrior? I am NOT saying that one SHOULD swear, but often swearing is merely the RESULT of HUGE frustration, and invariably frustration at defensiveness! Therefore do not worry about the swearing! Rather LISTEN to that swearing, and watch the body language at that moment in order to grasp the CAUSE of it! Also, in all of this, remember that even IF a discussion becomes a SLINGING match, in the sense that all the wheels have come off, then provided that BOTH people are truly WILLING to make the relationship work, the wheels can always again be found and put back on. Conflict has NEVER hurt anyone, or any relationship! On the contrary, conflict, if handled correctly, will always serve to deepen the relationship and to broaden our understanding of both ourselves and of each other! But what DOES damage a relationship, and ourselves, for that matter, is the LACK of honesty and openness!

One of the hardest things to cope with in any relationship, most especially personal relationships, is personal criticism. When one feels that one is giving it one's absolute best, but still the criticism keeps coming, it is so EASY to feel victimised and swamped! But this is yet another form of subtle defensiveness born from being goal orientated. IF we are truly WANTING to learn, then we should welcome the criticism! And if we DO welcome it, the other person invariably opens up towards one with a great deal of RESPECT and warmth! It is never easy to point out to a loved one his/her behaviour, but when that person then gladly receives the criticism, it is a most natural response to EMBRACE him/her with love and warmth! By the same token, there is nothing worse than having to point out behaviour only to see the other person crumble, give in to feelings of hurt and become either withdrawn and silent, or else defensive and reactionary.

Many times too, a person will say to me, "But my husband/wife is so far ahead of me in his/her understanding of the teachings. How can I ever catch up?" Yet such statements are utter bullshit if we remember that the two people in a relationship are each other's mirrors! Therefore what people tend to see as the other one being "way ahead" is that person's willingness to move forward! Find that willingness in yourself, instead of wanting to COMPETE against him/her. In a relationship all that is required is to be OPEN and WILLING!

The other point to be born in mind with respect to all this is the role of the female, for females often struggle with the so-called equality issue. The problem is that females are still wanting to be the male's EQUAL, which they ARE, but NOT in the sense in which you perceive it now! The female is the EQUAL but OPPOSITE polarity of the male! Ponder deeply on this one. In this respect try also to see your relationships THROUGH the eyes of the male. What is beautiful for the female is not necessarily beautiful to the male. Likewise what is important for the female, is mostly NOT important for the male! Yet both male and female can LEARN how to appreciate what is important and beautiful to both!

The other point which all too often comes up in relationships is that one or the other person accuses the other of not expressing enough sweetness, tenderness and gentleness within the relationship. But realise that it is NOT always easy to express tenderness when one is having to FIGHT for one's relationship! We all long to love and to be loved, but first there must be the thorns, and only then can we enjoy the blossom. Also, we cannot express tenderness at the expense of addressing that within a relationship which is not working. Tenderness comes when BOTH people are trying their utmost BEST to FIND that love and that warmth that is born from OBJECTIVE REALITY based within unconditional love! Expectations based upon conditional love will always result in disappointment, disillusionment and ultimately heartbreak!

In all of the above it is also important to bear in mind at all times the disastrous consequences of SEPARATIVENESS. This is most especially important in learning to relate to the opposite sex. Men and women are the polar opposites of each other, with the result that once the element of sexual lust and infatuation has been removed, there remains only the stark REALITY of opposites trying to relate to each other! It is invariably at this point when it always becomes easier to seek out ESCAPISMS rather than to CONFRONT, and to start living PAST each other rather than battling TOGETHER to make the relationship work. Not easy, but the very essence of life within manifestation.

Furthermore, RESIST the temptation to gloss over things, to sweep things under the carpet, or to PRETEND that all is well, when deep down inside your hearts are screaming at you that the relationship is NOT working! PREVENTION is infinitely better than CURE! Far too many relationships have landed up on the rocks simply because the two people concerned PRETENDED to have a good relationship, when in fact there was MUCH work to do! Far too many relationships have been smashed because either one or the other party simply REFUSED to see that there IS a problem, or if so, WHY there should be a problem! It takes TWO to tango!!! One person alone CANNOT build a relationship, even with the best will in the world! Far too many relationships fail simply because people CANNOT communicate! Far too many relationships bring forth nothing but hardship and pain because of unfulfilled expectations that neither party can meet, or even WANT to meet! A TRUE relationship MUST and IS founded within FRIENDSHIP, unconditional friendship in which BOTH people concerned are WANTING and WILLING to find and to MEET each other! So guard against any form of separativeness, physically, emotionally and mentally, and irrespective of the so called reason for secretly wanting to be separative. There is NEVER a good reason for separativeness WITHIN a relationship of any kind. Separativeness only serves a purpose when it becomes CLEAR that separation is the only way forward, but even then, it always brings forth the pain of loss.

With all of my love and my warmth,