Théun, I am not too sure what guidance I am seeking. Perhaps I just need your support as I continue to wrestle with my challenge as a homosexual. But what bothers me most of all is my ex-lover. I feel that I cannot just kick him out of my life.
My lovely friend, you already know what your true challenge is as a homosexual in this lifetime. You and I have been over this at length! But the problem is that if you lie to yourself, try to pretend that your behaviour is something other than it is, and live in a constant state of mental and emotional DENIAL, you are NEVER, but NEVER going to transmute your homosexuality!
It is TOUGH, my friend, goddamned TOUGH, as I have already explained to you with a great deal of love, warmth and understanding! And the journey ahead, THANKLESS as it is, is a long, LONG journey spanning more than just one or two lifetimes! But you are making it so much worse for yourself by lying, pretending, and denying your thoughts and emotions! Dear God, my friend, I WISH there was an easier way, but there isn't! You have spent lifetimes MAKING yourself homosexual, and it is going to take lifetimes to UNLEARN the thought patterns and the emotional responses you HAVE learned! And yet you can GREATLY facilitate the transmutation process by STARTING to LIVE an utterly IMPECCABLE and DISCIPLINED life devoted to SERVICE! This is why I have so encouraged you to DEVOTE yourself utterly and completely to the work you ARE doing with the young men in your care! But it is UP to YOU to see to it that every day you take one step forward!
Living with your ex-lover is NOT taking a step forward, but remaining STUCK by trying to convince yourself that everything is going to be okay! Your ex-lover has a life to get on with, and so do you! Set your ex-lover free, my friend, so that you too are free to start living your life in a different way!
I am NOT saying that you must kick your ex-lover out on the street, or hurt him any more than you already have, but you MUST encourage him GENTLY but FIRMLY to move out and to start a life of his OWN! Yes, you will always be there for him, just as you are always there for the young men in your care at your work, but you and your ex-lover are NOT walking the same path! Let him go, and thereby grant yourself the TIME and the SPACE to start your long journey BACK to heterosexuality!
I am here for you, my friend, but NOT if you continue to hurt another being for your own self-centred gain!