Théun, considering our history together is it at all possible for me to win your trust and for us to become friends?
If I am hearing you correctly, then what you are questioning is whether or not we CAN become friends, because we now have a whole history between us. If this is INDEED what you ARE saying, then I can only once again shake my head in disbelief at how POORLY you grasp the teachings! However, as you are not alone in what I am going to share now I would like to address myself to the whole group whilst answering your question.
The very REASON why it has NOT been possible for us to even begin building a REAL relationship, let alone a friendship, was because I could sense from day one when you first joined us that you did NOT trust me! So what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to try to win your trust? If so, in what way other than to just let you be whilst getting on with MY life? Was I supposed to try to make friends with you whilst KNOWING that you do not trust me? If so, would this not have made me a beggar begging for your love? Would you have respected me had I tried to do this? But in all of this your level of sheer arrogance was such that you could only see it from YOUR perspective! It has always been clear, and recently you confirmed that your motive for joining Hunter's Lodge was NOT to become my friend, or because you believed in me, but merely because you wanted the benefit from being part of the Group!
This is something I have always failed to understand, for IF you do not believe in me, IF you do not trust me, then why would you want to work with me? It just does not make sense, and ESPECIALLY since so many people like you have always, but always turned around and said, "The Toltec teachings do NOT belong to Théun!" True! Infinitely true! And I have NEVER tried to claim that I own the Toltec teachings! But if I do NOT own them, and you don't trust me, and don't believe in me, then why come to me? The only thing that DOES make sense to me in these bizarre situations is that it is apparently SOME-THING from ME, rather than from anyone else, that you want! So your attitude has always been, "I want what it is you have to offer, and I am coming to you to TAKE it, but don't expect me to like you, to trust you, or to be loyal to you! No, let us be quite clear here, I will TAKE from you what I WANT on MY terms! In other words, I am NOT interested in building a relationship with you, I just want to fuck you for my own self-centred gain. AND what's more, I WON'T be honest and upfront about this either! In fact, I will even allow L to screw you in the arse, and hopefully you will never know who gave him access to your back!"
So HOW could I even begin to TRY to build a relationship with you when all along you have made it clear that I am nothing but a cheap prostitute that is WILLINGLY allowing myself to be used and abused by you? How do you think that made me feel? The fact that somewhere along the lines your perception of me started to change, and that you started to feel remorse and guilt did nothing towards bringing us any closer together! Even your confession concerning L did nothing in terms of CHANGING what has been happening all along! You simply confessed and then expected ME to kiss it all better! But such IS the arrogance I speak of! "Listen, Théun, I have been really bad and I know I have treated you even MORE badly, but hey, let bygones be bygones now that I have spilled my guts! I didn't come here to be your friend, I just came here to USE you to get my rocks off, and now that you KNOW the truth, well, can I STILL continue to USE you, for I doubt that we can be friends after all that has transpired, so I won't even try!"
How exceedingly arrogant and deeply insensitive of you! And yet, this is EXACTLY the slap through the face that I DID allow you to give me when I wrote to you and stated CLEARLY how very hurt I am, but that you CAN continue to USE me for your own self-centred gain IF this is what you want! Damn you, my friend! If my unconditional love for you in that moment was NOT enough, then what will ever be good enough for you? Do you want me to come and kneel in front of you and BEG you to be my friend? Or must I lick your arse before you will even CON-SIDER it? What MORE can I do in order to be your friend? What? All you are saying to me is, "Now that I have been honest with you, Théun, and if YOU still want to be my friend, then YOU must make this work!"