Théun, my wife and I would like to seek your guidance on our marriage. As you know, we are struggling, but in trying to sort out our challenges we only end up fighting with one another. What are we doing wrong?
I feel a huge, but I mean HUGE resistance to giving either of you the guidance you are calling forth! This is not something I often feel, for usually I give guidance freely and readily whenever it is called forth.
X, part of my resistance in giving you guidance stems from the fact that you are ALWAYS in so MUCH of a HURRY to have everything sorted out that I feel that whatever guidance I give you now will all TOO quickly be GLANCED at and then considered to be sorted, resolved, dealt with and in short, you have been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and now that the T-shirt is SAFELY in your CUPBOARD you are wondering why the world has not moved with you! But, my friend, you do this with EVERY-THING in your life, including your marriage!
Y, you are the PERFECT mirror for X, in that you too seem to THINK that the moment you have taken even just a TINY step the world should now somehow, miraculously, be transformed!
But by far the WORST is that BOTH of you carry a HUGE number of expectations which you IMPOSE upon everything within your lives. It does not matter whether this is upon your work, your relationships in general, your friendships, or your marriage, but when these expectations are NOT met you both seem to THINK that it is somehow the end of the world!
So although I am perfectly clear on WHAT the guidance is that you NEED, my resistance to giving this guidance lies in the fact that neither of you are CLEAR on what it is that YOU need in terms of your marriage! I say this because there is NO guidance I can give you that will restore the ROMANCE in your relationship! Or in plain English, I CANNOT, even with the BEST will in the world, give ANY guidance that will lead you to being able to MATERIALISE the great many EXPECTATIONS you have both placed upon your marriage! So the bottom line is, is there any point in me giving you guidance? And hence the resistance!
I want you to know that I love you both very much, and I do want to see you win, but right now, BEFORE I give you guidance, my feeling is that you FIRST both NEED to look at WHAT are the expectations you have placed upon your marriage! I say this because you are BOTH equally inflexible in your expectations AND in your demands of, not only each other, but also your marriage! X, you remind me of the Rock of Gibraltar that is standing so firm that you have become ROOTED to the spot! And you, Y, remind of the Straits of Gibraltar that is mercilessly pounding away at the foot of the rock, determined to undermine the very foundation if you have to!