Théun, my wife and I are now getting along much better. For example we now greatly enjoy decorating the house together, and we also enjoy sharing with one another our respective hobbies. But I still battle with being able to discriminate in the moment what are our mutual needs. For example, I will all too often make the mistake of being hard on my wife when she actually needs a hug and some warmth, or I will back off from an argument because I fear that I will come across as being too harsh should I challenge her.
Yes, I believe that this IS the main issue within your marriage, as it is for most couples today! :) However, it is never really possible to determine MUTUAL NEEDS when one is caught up in trying to figure everything out with the MIND! You and your wife are both still so very GRIMLY DETERMINED to make, or more precisely, to FORCE, your marriage to work, that it is mostly just a MISSION to be ACCOMPLISHED! There is not much JOY in this, let alone WARMTH! But you do this because you BOTH still place the power OUTSIDE of yourselves and therefore you both EXPECT the other to make you happy! For example, look at the hobbies you and your wife enjoy, as well as decorating the house together. Hobbies cannot make one happy, no matter what hobbies they happen to be! And of what use is it to make your home warm when there is no warmth between the two of you?
Why don't you two just TRY to settle down and make a REAL and CONCERTED effort at just simply BEING with one another, WITHOUT always getting AT each other over this, that and the other! If you do this SIMPLE thing you may just find out that life is a mystery to be LIVED and not a MISSION to be accomplished! THEN you can EN-JOY life! LOL!