Théun, my wife and I have been under the impression that we both forgave each other and ourselves for our past transgressions within our marriage. But recently I have come to doubt whether we truly ever DID forgive ourselves or even each other. Can you help us to see more clearly what is going on for us?
When one is still trying to hold onto any fragment of one's self-image and one's view of the world, it is perfectly possible to find ways and means in which to JUSTIFY for oneself one's past behaviour. And then one ASSUMES that this justification spells forgiveness of self.
But it is only when we reach that point of CLARITY at which we can CLEARLY see that EVERY ONE who has ever played a role within our lives was or is there in order for us to HAVE the EXPERIENCES that have AIDED us in moving forward in terms of our LEARNING about SELF, that it becomes POSSIBLE for us to ALSO see that NO-ONE has ever DONE anything TO us. In other words, no matter HOW MUCH we may have loved, or hated, or despised, or worshiped, or adored, or mistrusted, or doubted or whatever, any of the people within our lives, each and every one of them have been merely INSTRUMENTS of power that WE, OURSELVES, have called forth for OUR LEARNING! And it is ONLY once we HAVE found the gifts of power WITHIN our experiences, NOT only the gifts that pertain to the MUTUAL experiences, but even MORE importantly, the gifts that are UNIQUELY our OWN as a RESULT of the experiences, that we can truly see that because of how WE have orchestrated the UNFOLDMENT of OUR fate there was simply NO OTHER way in which we COULD have learned other than through the experiences which WE, OURSELVES, have called forth!
Once we CAN see the gifts for what they TRULY are, all sense of JUDGMENT of self falls away like a coat that has served its purpose, and we finally stand FREE and VICTORIOUS in our battle for SELF-ACCEPTANCE! In that moment of realisation we KNOW that we are neither good nor bad, but that we are simply warriors STRUGGLING to learn, warriors who at times FALTER, STUMBLE and FALL. But that falling in itself does NOT make us bad! The only thing which DOES make us bad is FAILING to FIGHT whenever we do fall down!
It is SO very easy to SAY and even to THINK that we accept ourselves, but to DO so is a HUGE battle, and it takes TIME and it takes COURAGE! :) But when finally we DO accept ourselves WITHOUT judgment, and WITHOUT justification of the past, it is utterly IMPOSSIBLE to "forgive" those who have HELPED us along our way, for the simple reason that there is NOTHING to forgive them for! Are we going to "forgive" them for having helped us? Are we going to "forgive" them for the very EXPERIENCES that have helped us to break FREE from self-judgment? How very idiotic to even entertain such ideas! LOL! The only person we ever NEEDED to forgive is oneself! And this is only REALLY possible once we are WILLING and ABLE to let go our self-image and our view of the world! Until then we can at best JUSTIFY our actions, and thereby JUDGE the actions of those around us as being "good" or "bad" or "understandable" or "permissible given the circumstances."