Theun, I have come face to face with my lazy, wingeing, apathetic and irresponsible victim self that thinks the world owes it a living because of how much it has suffered and had a 'hard life'. Yippee!
In doing so, I have realised that I do not need to punish myself and feel guilty anymore, nor do I need to accept the writing on the walls donated by my parents. I have learnt that I like myself much better if I am doing my best to meet my challenges and to take responsibility for my part in creating them.
I like myself better when I fight. I feel good about myself when I practise being humble and inclusive. And in doing this, I can see that we are all one, and just maybe I do deserve a better life too.
By actually practising stopping the internal dialogue, I have seen that I can begin to change myself and my world. When listening to the feelings of the heart and trusting the process of doing so, I can see that it leads to truth and shows me a little how to fight my battles. This way, I can learn to trust and believe in myself more.
A couple of days ago, I was over the moon about the possibility of working for low pay and long hours as a waitress, today an opportunity has arisen to re-train as a well paid science teacher which I am certainly going to pursue.
So, I am learning to like myself and deserve a better life and believe in myself because by stopping the internal dialogue and listening to my heart I can see how that changes my view of the world.
Here is a poem that popped into life today by Sara Teasdale
I gave my first love laughter
I gave my second love tears
I gave my third love silence
Thru all the years
My first love gave me singing
My second eyes to see
But oh, it was my third love
Who gave my soul to me.
My question is this; why does it hurt so much when I see beauty? Or when beauty touches me? Why does it feel like my heart is breaking? I can almost grasp the answer, but cannot see it.
:) First of all allow me to say what a joy it is to have someone on board who is willing to take responsibility for her life, and above all, who has the necessary sense of humour to have fun in doing so. Your future science students will be in very good and capable hands! :)
Yesterday one of your fellow apprentices asked me the identical question you are asking today. However, because the admin tool is not yet complete we are having to give guidance on an individual basis, but once the admin tool is finished you will all be able to see the guidance you each call forth. In this way you will all be able to learn from one another. :) I mention this here because although I am going to give you the same guidance I gave yesterday, I am also going to quote the request that called forth this guidance, for I believe it will help you.
The question from your fellow apprentice was, (quote), "Théun, at the last retreat I asked you for guidance concerning recapitulation. You asked me for an example and I balked. I now have some if I may.
"I bawled my eyes out for quite a while last night. I was reading a passage maybe from H.P. Blavatsky.
"They have not extended their power to know, we have each of us the same power to know that is theirs, but they have extended the facilities of the instruments they possess. They have improved what they have. They have better brains they have better bodies. How did they acquire them? By fulfilling every duty that faced them regardless of what pain to themselves. They thought nothing of acquiring knowledge and power for themselves. (AND THIS IS THE SENTENCE THAT BROUGHT THE TEARS). "They thought only of gaining power that they might expend it for the benefit of every living creature..."
"I have experienced this type of event periodically throughout my life where I cry, and it is growing in frequency. The first times I presently recall were painful, then they started to be pain with something beautiful mixed in. Like something that continues to progress along a slide rule. With what I call pain on one end and beauty on the other. Or maybe my awareness is progressing along the slide rule?
"The first time I presently recall experiencing this is when I heard about Christ when I was drunk and about seventeen, I bawled my eyes out.
"Then in my early thirties someone showed me a movie of Christ and again I bawled.
"Another example was at the last retreat when we were listening to the words of Kalil Gibran. And many times since when listening to it.
"It has also occurred when active dreaming with the Yellow Rose Of Friendship.
"I wrote of an experience of this feeling to Russell in my application to attend the retreats.
"There are lots of other examples but I hope that gives some idea.
"I believe these experiences are tied into my purpose or are drawing me closer to being aware of it.
"Or like if I can find the feeling that these events sparked off in my daily life then the purpose stands clear in the meaning these feelings bring.
"There is some sort of feeling here that I am trying to fathom out.
"How I am presently working with these feelings is to embrace them when they come and then let them pass as they will. When I focus on them then I seem to get lost in my head. It seems to want to explain them
"It is like when I look up at a star in the heavens I want to look right at it but as soon as I do I cannot see it but if I look indirectly at it then I can sort of see it.
"I notice that what corresponds to these feelings that bring the tears is a steady increase in the quality of my life both inner and outer.
"Am I on the right track here? Is there any guidance you could provide here? I want to learn how to use the feelings effectively and I am sure there is lots I do not get here.
"I would also like to add that this website is having a tremendous impact upon me ( saying that touched the above feelings!) Thank you All! Oh, and by the way, I feel these bodily in my chest area."
:) What you are experiencing is the opening of the heart centre. So, yes, you are indeed on the right track. :)
What is touching you so deeply is the PROFOUNDNESS of the One Truth. It is impossible to be TOUCHED by the truth and yet remain oblivious or indifferent to it. To come in touch with the truth is to come in touch with the heart, not the silly stuff people THINK of as being the heart, but the BEAUTY we see in the REALITY of what is being perceived. Having said this I must also explain to you that the REALITY of life upon the physical plane as we EXPERIENCE it is NOT always beautiful! But THAT which underlies the reality, that which is behind the reality, IS beautiful if we but have the eyes to see it, and those eyes are not the "eyes" of CLARITY, but they are the "eyes" of the soul, the "eyes" of the Dreamer, the "eyes" of the heart. When one perceives with the heart, as opposed to perceiving with the mind, life in all of its beauty stands clearly revealed, and in that moment all sense of separativeness, judgement and blame falls away. In that moment there is only a love OF and a love FOR all of life. :)
You are right in your approach towards these experiences you are having. If we wish to see the world as it REALLY is we should never STARE at it with the "eyes" of the mind; instead we should GLANCE at it by allowing our FEELINGS to guide us into a FULL experience of what we are glimpsing. I say glimpsing, because in working with the Unknown we cannot KNOW it without forcing it into our view of the world, so the best we can do is to glance at it, glimpsing something here and something there that we can and do relate to. Then with these tit-bits of the Unknown we allow life upon the physical plane to reveal to us how these tit-bits of the Unknown we have gleaned really fit into life. If you do this you will find yourself growing, as you have noticed, in the most marvellous of ways, for by doing this you open yourself up to guidance from both your Dreamer as well as from life. This is what is meant by walking a Path With a Heart, as opposed to what I term approaching knowledge with the GRIM DETERMINATION of taking the kingdom of God by force! LOL! The Path With a Heart brings a LIGHT-NESS, a JOY and a sense of fulfilment, whereas the GRIM INTELLECTUAL approach is just that, a grim and miserable path leading one into ever greater intellectual complexity that yields great intellectual prowess, but not even ONE iota of personal power or freedom.
I trust this has answered your question.
With warm regards,