While my life is in a period of relative balance and calm, my strategy is to take to heart the admonition that in the myriad details of everyday life the sum total of one's worldview is revealed. My current focus is the workday flow of activities. I work relatively autonomously, and while there are demands of varying urgency, I can choose how I work and what activity to engage in much of the time. However, the days seem to flow by in a fog and I couldn't account for how these "choices" were made.
As I began to stalk this state of affairs, I got the feeling that the "choices" were driven by forces hiding in the shadows. It seems that over the years an equilibrium has formed balancing out conflicting impulses from the fearful good girl and the angry bad girl, and compensating for the lack of self-discipline and inner direction by using external demands to maintain "good" status in the eyes of my "oppressors". This balancing process is so smooth and automatic that I can scarcely detect it.
During this time, I've begun learning to remember my dreams and write something down each morning. Lately, in my dreams just before waking I'm struggling to remember all the preceding dreams because when I wake up I know I'll be "required" to write something. This morning as I recalled this, I wrote down "I'm always trying to be good," day and night!
My habitual approach at the point of discovering a pattern has been to unconsciously label it "bad", quickly concoct a"self-(image)-improvement plan" to "fix this problem" and embark upon an impossible regimen. Soon I'll gradually "forget" the goals altogether and return to the status quo, another failure proving that after all, "I'm bad, defective, inadequate, and unworthy."
How to not-do this pattern? How to break out of the good-girl/bad-girl polarity altogether? I've been developing a sense of inner direction through applying the teachings in other ways. I have been working at cultivating self-discipline through the daily practice of journaling activities and dreams. The intent is to choose my frame of reference: I wish to engage in these practices towards attaining my freedom from social conditioning. But the next thing I know, the good-girl/bad-girl polarity is in the driver's seat.
Guidance at this stage in my processing would be very much appreciated!
:) From what you have shared here it is clear that not only have you always been a "good" girl, but you have also been a very "obedient" girl! So all in all you were conditioned well and proper! LOL! What I am going to suggest now will, no doubt, at first shock you! LOL!
What you perceive as being the bad girl in you is in actual fact PART of the REAL you! But you have been so conditioned into believing that it is bad, that you constantly DENY yourself the opportunity of getting to know this side of yourself. If you were to allow yourself to get to know the "bad" girl you may just surprise yourself by coming to realise that she is not really bad at all, but that she is instead the warrior, the fighter, in you. :) So why don't you take a risk, let your HAIR down (please read the dream symbols), and let this side of you begin to EXPRESS herself? If you do this you will find yourself in time becoming very good friends with this side of you, and who knows what "places" you will be able to go to once the "good" girl and the "bad" girl start to co-operate TOGETHER? :) You will, at the very least, have enormous fun in giving FULL expression to the REAL you!
One word of caution though; the "bad" girl in you has been suppressed for so long that you should not be surprised if she at first emerges as being a rebellious delinquent! LOL! But be patient with her, get to know her, find out what makes her think and behave in the way she does, and I can assure you that you will learn to love her. :)
Have fun, and EN-JOY yourself!
With warm regards,