Hurt, working with from Warriors' Experience


  • Hurt, working with

Question:

If I am honest with myself right now, I am waking up crying. I went to sleep realising that everyone I had felt strongly about e.g. loved really loved, always vanished from my life. People I care about are always less committed to making relationships work than I am. Do I do this to myself? Yes. It started with my dad's sudden death, when I was six, then feeling abandoned by the rest of the family because I was his girl. Then I lost my important relationship with hubby one. He left me on several occasions due to his own screw-ups, but as a young woman I was vulnerable e.g. pregnant with my first child. He did return to me but my fingers had been burnt, so I felt less for him. I found the self-respect to say enough was enough when I realised how he would always be unreliable and unsupportive. A little boy really.

The important one was when I lost my son, first to mental health then to drug addiction. This was the real heart breaker and shit lesson to learn. I would have sold my soul to the devil to stop that loss happening. I even genuinely begged god to take me and spare him that pain and suffering. My failure, I was so naive about cocaine and heroin I didn't even realise he was a user! How effing foolish is that!! Eventually, I couldn't prevent the inevitable and lost some of my personal hope, strength, faith in people and myself.

For a few years during and after that I was just a zombie, with no feeling at all, unable to feel love and joy (but I do now). Suffering supposedly from post-traumatic shock, I had nothing left to lose. Even ego had been bashed out of me, people crossed the street when they saw me coming such a wreck I was. I would cross the street if I could LOL!

Then I impulsively read the signs (yes the same "run away and start again" movie kept falling off the shelves) and I gained the courage to move 200 miles and start a new life from scratch. No one here knows my history. I have avoided people thinking of me as a victim or poor screwed up person that shit happened to.

And now I have lost all contact with my flat mate, a feckless and selfish character who tried his best to move his stuff out our home so he didn't even have to see me or even discuss the expenses I had incurred on his behalf. Another set of broken promises to a gullible loving friend. I have projected lost love on him and see where that got me!! LOL!

I now struggle with myself because I have lost self-respect from time to time caring for and loving people who so obviously do not care a shit for me. But believe me I am not often self-pitying about this, I don't need to or want to hang on to any false persona.

I know I am not looking for a father figure in my relationships with men, I did that with hubby one, not hubby two. BUT I constantly relive the pain of these losses and no matter how much I recapitulate fragments relating to loss of loved people in my life, in the quiet hours it comes back to me and yet again I am caught up in feeling self-pity and failure. So if there is no right or wrong, just lessons learned through life, how do I move on? Did I imagine it all? Was it all of my creation? Surely it is two tango-ing? Or just different people working through their challenges?

I am over emotional sometimes (not all the time) and need to get to the feeling. How do I do this? I have read so much about moving from emotion to feeling but am at a loss as to how?

Answer:

My friend, first I would like to commend you on your strength and your wonderful openness of heart. So I would not be so quick to judge yourself as indulging in self-pity. Self-pity is not the same as hurt, and it is clear that you have been hurt very deeply many times in your life. When I speak of hurt, you must realise that the only true hurt there is, is when one does not understand why one got kicked in the teeth. :) Yet, if we are truly wanting to learn about self, then we EMBRACE even the hurt, no matter how painful it is, and by doing this we in time come to understand why we ourselves called forth the experience that hurt us. And invariably, miraculously, :) , once we do understand the hurt falls away like an old worn-out coat that is no longer needed, and in its place we find a deeper and a greater love for and of life than we ever had before. Such is the poignancy of life, my friend.

None of us can have gaps in our knowledge, and as such there always comes a lifetime when we have to learn through the pain of loss. I, like you, have experienced much pain in this lifetime, and yet were you to ask me if I would choose a different life if I could, I would say no, perhaps sadly so, LOL, but nevertheless no! Why? Simply because the hurt I have experienced in this lifetime has, as you yourself have begun to see, beaten the shit out of me, smoothed my many rough edges, and moulded my indomitable will into making of me a far better person than I would have been otherwise. B-:) So today I look back upon my life, and I stand in awe of the painful times in my life, and I feel nothing but a deep and genuine love for all the many souls that helped me on my journey upon life, even though at the time I could not see their gifts to me, for I saw only the hurt they inflicted upon me with their actions and their words.

You ask how you can move from emotion to feeling, and I am showing you how. :) When it hurts, my friend, when it truly, truly hurts, then allow the tears to come, without beating yourself up, and USE your pain and your grief to find the true BEAUTY within life. Then let your spirit flow STRONG and CLEAR as you hold within your HEART the sure knowledge that you were born to LEARN to love, to let go, and then to love again! In this way we all have to learn the painful lesson of unconditional love in action - the universal intent of the nagal within each and every one of us. :)

My friend, why don't you put yourself in your car and come visit us at the Temple of Peace for a few days? :) I think you will enjoy the drive. And I know that you will find amongst us the friends you have been missing all your life.

I trust that this guidance has been of service to you.

With warm regards,
Théun