I have been working on the challenge that I have around self-discipline related to dreaming and dream recall. I believe that I am facing Fear here. Dream recall is sporadic and difficult, though I have failed to stick with your suggestions to improve it over any considerable length of time. I have also never made it past the conditioned reflex part of the Active Dreaming exercise. I believe the fear that I am holding onto, that I have traced to two particular things from my past, to be the source of my challenges here, though I've had many other excuses and justifications along the way.
When I was younger, for a period between 10-12 years old, I used to have the same night terror repetitively. In case the definition varies, what I know as night terrors are repeating scary dreams that I would have that I couldn't wake up from. I used to know when I would have this dream, because inevitably, in the evening of such a night, I would begin to feel a certain sensation in my body. This sensation was more likely to occur if I had a fever. This sensation was a strange feeling internally that was unique to this experience. The root sensation had a kind of numbing quality to it, but was also heavy with a foreign feel to it. When this sensation began, it was less intense, and then would build in intensity. This sensation would roll up through my body, starting in my feet, and reach my head. It had a pulsing wave type of feel in its repetitions. Any night that I felt this, I knew the dream would come. When the dream did come, I would end up yelling and screaming and sitting up in bed with my eyes open even, but I was not conscious. According to my Mom, it was always the same, and I would talk about "there was a skin that covered the world, and I had to remove it to save the world" and was very frustrated and scared. I would be stuck in this place talking and yelling and crying for 10-15 minutes before she could snap me out of it. I have a recollection of this image of the world as a big ball of flesh from these experiences, but that is all I've ever remembered, and I would snap out of it without any recollection of the time my mom had spent with me waiting for me to snap out of it. I have never been able to make any sense of what this was about. There has been the odd time in the last 6 years that I would have hints of that sensation occurring inside me, but it never lead to anything. I feel that these experiences have left a fear in me about dreaming in general. Can you offer any insight on these dreams, and is it necessary for me to work with these experiences now, or just the resistance I believe comes from my memory of them?
6 years ago, life threw circumstances at me that lead to great emotional upheaval and I reached a point where I was ready to die. Something I can't explain happened at that moment, and I had a week of experiencing an altered state that I could alter further with my will, a weird ability to influence and affect other people, and a few supernatural experiences. I had many less than useful habits back then, which included pot use and the occasional use of psychedelics to create a false closeness with my ex wife. These and other habits, as well as fear and weakness on my part led to losing touch with this state, and I had another scary experience that felt like I had a black hole inside me sucking up everything that I was into a void. It felt at the time like a fight for my sanity, and my ability to stay alive. After getting through that, I had trouble going to sleep, because every-time I lay down and started to let my self drift off, that same feeling would return and scare the crap out of me. This lasted for a few weeks, and then went away. I still have a fear I realize, about approaching dreaming due to the way that this felt. I am determined to overcome this fear. Do you have any insight into what I experienced during this time that might assist me in processing these events so that I can rise above them?
What you have described as your childhood nightmare is very powerful indeed. But you will be happy to hear that you are not about to die! :) and LOL! Your nightmare was guidance given to you about your fate in this lifetime. From this dream it is clear that you have a role to play in these highly troubled times the world finds itself in, and this means that you have the ABILITY and the WHERE-WITH-ALL to do what is required of you according to the script you wrote for yourself. So take heart, and take courage, my friend. The fact that your MIND interpreted it as a nightmare means that what is required of you in this lifetime will NOT be easy to accomplish, and therefore there is a very strong possibility that you will look upon the circumstances you will call forth as being nightmarish. But there is no need for such fear, for this is WHY you have been guided to the Warrior's Path. :)
The circumstance surrounding any battle can only ever be a nightmare when our courage fails us. But if, as you say, you are determined to overcome your fear, then start by FACING your fear. The best way in which to do this is to set your INTENT on mastering the Dreaming Technique, no matter HOW much fear comes up. In this you will take courage from remembering that ALL fear is based within ILLUSION - in your case, the illusion that you are not strong enough and not well enough equipped to cope with your fate in this lifetime. The other thing you can do that will help you greatly, is to go to bed at night ACTIVELY enticing the fear so as to be able to face it! You will find that if you do this, no fear will come! LOL! Why? Simply because you would have set your INTENT to face it, but whenever we FACE fear it dissipates because it is nothing more than illusion of sorts.
The experience you had six years ago is an example of what I am referring to above. Your fate started to unfold, but because you were not living like a warrior your MIND crapped out, and you wanted to die! Yet, had you been less self-indulgent and more courageous, you WOULD have used the altered state of perception you were experiencing then to turn your life into the IMPECCABLE life of the warrior. :) What happened to you after that is your JUST reward for having been a complete arsehole to indulge in drugs. LOL! However, I have no doubt that now that you find yourself upon the Warrior's Path your experience of six years ago will come round again, and when it does, you MUST find within yourself the HEART-FELT courage to FACE your fear and to fight an IMPECCABLE battle. If you DO, you will find me at your side, lending you my full support, my strength and my courage. B-:)
I trust this guidance will EN-COURAGE you.
With warm regards,