Friends, can I turn myself or the one self into a burning beacon of unconditional love? I want too! Is that the name of the game?
The road is hard, but I face up to hardship well. Thank goodness I had the hardship of a tough childhood and earlier life and cope with the challenges of work and family and being grounded in the world. But I can't afford to rest on my laurels. I am fighting daily all the negative shit that pops into me. For example, sometimes I think about the friend that deserted me with unconditional love, sometimes I wish to hurt him as he has hurt me. Why?
Moreover, it is with great trepidation that I plan my trip to The Temple of Peace in May. Will people like me? Why am I so concerned with being liked? Why am I such a bundle of fear? Grr.
Yes. I hope that when all these ego concerns leave me I will be stronger and more useful. By which time my fingernails will be red-raw as I climb up this steep cliff face of learning to the top of the mountain. I am hoping my dream of a slightly flat-topped mountain is true LOL! Then at least I can lie down and rest.
I am seeing myself more as clothed in mirrored material as I work through this endless recapitulation and other stumbling places. I thought I knew all about ego and about how we smother ourselves in a cloak of self-centeredness and social conditioning. Nevertheless, I do not! I am learning so much from the struggles of the other apprentices but I have become a "hypochondriac," reflecting all the other jewels. The fellow apprentices and their questioning have recently inspired me but have also made me feel unsure about myself. This is to such an extent that I am confused about what is me and what is others shortcomings? We don't have them all? So how can I avoid absorbing all these concerns?
Therefore, I am saying to myself I have certainly been someone who has loved too much, been too kind and can no longer be just "nice" for the sake of it. I am recognising old mirrors; yes, been there and done that, and uncovering new ones such as a hideous desire for approval and recognition.
Many things inspire me. My struggles and me. In addition, Théun inspires me. And I have always been inspired by the struggles and challenges of others. This inspiration includes some words that were sent to me documenting an original or present day Lords Prayer:
"Oh Thou, from whom the breath of life comes, who fills all realms of sound, light and vibration.
May Your light be experienced in my utmost holiest.
Your Heavenly Domain approaches.
Let Your will come true - in the universe. Give us wisdom for our daily need, detach the fetters of faults that bind us.
Let us not be lost in superficial things, but let us be freed from what keeps us from our true purpose.
From You comes the all â€“ working will, the lively strength to act, The song that beautifies all and renews itself from age to age.
Sealed in trust, faith and truth."
LOL! My lovely heartfelt friend, you DO like to make things difficult for yourself, don't you? :) I say this because your greatest fear is that you are unlovable and that you don't deserve love, joy and happiness. And so you keep on finding fault with yourself so that you can beat up on yourself for being such a bad and undeserving girl! LOL! But you know what, you are looking to the wrong man to make you feel even more bad about yourself! You see, I will NEVER tell you, or anyone else for that matter, that you are BAD! I will not hesitate to point out to you your folly, and neither will I hesitate to point out to you your behaviour! But bad? No! I have no interest in making others or myself bad, for quite frankly, we can ALL, each and every one of us, make a looooooong list as to why we THINK we SHOULD be bad WITHOUT anyone's help, thank you very much! LOL! But if we were to do this, in what way would such an act be life-supportive? :)
No, my dear friend, just STOP all your worry and fretting and for once in your life ALLOW yourself to once again HOPE and to REJOICE in that hope! Hope! Is that not the most MARVEL-LOUS word in all languages? :) It lifts the spirit and makes the heart sing! But how often do we allow ourselves to hope? How often do we not instead INDULGE in believing the negative about ourselves and about life? But HOPE and BELIEF are two sides of the same coin - a coin wrought by STRENGTH from out of the fabric of the HEART - unconditional love in ACTION. :) Where there is ACTION there is always hope, and where there is UNCONDITIONAL love in action, there is BELIEF! None of us really know HOW this works. All we know is that it DOES work because of INTENT. :) As it is you are already making GREAT strides upon the Warrior's Path, and I can see that not too long from now you will handle the sword like you were born with it in your hand! <g> So if the friend who deserted you knows what is good for him, he will think twice about trying his wicked tricks with you again! <w>
So stop worrying about how you will be received at the Temple of Peace. None of us at the temple bite, except for the dogs, but I must ALSO add that they never bite people who are REAL. The dogs only ever bite those that PRETEND to be friends, when in actual fact they are filled with separativeness, blame, judgement and prejudice, and the dogs sense this. <g> I don't bite either! I am just a harmless old nagal! <ww> I only sometimes growl ferociously! <ebwg>
With my warmest regards,
And much laughter,
Your friend and his little army of four-legged friends,
Théun, Ralph, Tessa, Granny Sarah, George and Jessabel
P.S. Ralph is a big, gentle and loving Bull Mastiff, who is only ever fierce when his loved ones are threatened. Ralph is the alpha male amongst the dogs. Tessa is the Tom-Boy of the family, but still very much a lady as well. She is the fiercest of the Bull Mastiffs, and her reputation stretches far and wide. Granny Sarah is not a Bull Mastiff, but an ex-Border Collie, for in her old age she has become a Broader Collie! Granny Sarah is the WISE OLD WOMAN, for her intelligence is unsurpassed. :) George, yet another Bull Mastiff, is the handsome boy of the family! Unfortunately, like all good-looking men he seems to think that his good looks is the ONLY thing that matters! So he is CONSTANTLY in trouble with Tessa who disapproves of his macho behaviour. Jessabel, is well..........er..........just simply Jessabel, frightened of everything and anything as she was an abused dog in a previous lifetime. Jessabel is also a Bull Mastiff, a very pretty girl who likes to hide in a corner, if she is not at either her father's feet or mine. She can run faster than all the other dogs when out for a walk, but otherwise she walks so slowly that we sometimes fear she is going to grow old before she reaches her destination! LOL! I think when you visit the temple you and Jessy will take to one another! <ww>