Theun, firstly, let me express my gratitude to you and the Toltec Legacy Team for all the efforts and love in creating this teaching facility! It is a great pleasure for me to meet you again! It is you and your HONESTY and WARMTH I have been looking for since I can remember. Thank you, Theun! Will I have the STRENGTH to face the TRUTH and really learn about myself? Well, I HOPE I do ... for it is not something quite pleasant looking into the "mirror" at the moment.
During the last retreat I asked you for guidance about the tumor I have had in my back (between 4th and 5th vertebrae). The tumor was removed (by operation), but I wanted to know what that dis-ease meant. You were very clear then, that my dis-ease is very much related to me feeling unworthy and not deserving. I didn't grasp the meaning of what you said back then, but time passed and I started seeing what I think now is the true expression of my unworthiness. Briefly, it is my "belief" that I "deserve" a "better life", that is, a much easier life, and certainly not the challenges I encounter. LOL!
When I was a child, I remember that whenever I did something "wrong", I was very afraid of the consequences (maybe because my father was a scary person to me LOL!) and prayed for forgiveness, either my parents or God, or both, if what I had done was too bad :) . But since then I have this habit of "believing" that all wrong is fixed by enough "tears" and "prayers". Needless to say, this habit has made me such a victim and person full of self-pity, that (put it gently) I am not too proud of what I have become. e.g. my wife had to hold my hand when my tumor was discovered ... and I was playing the hard hero LMAO! I can go on: I am still a child emotionally and have to take care of two children :) , I lack self-discipline (and I thought I was like a special soldier made of iron :) ) I have become really good in manipulating people and lying to myself, I am lazy, etc. I have started work on these (where does one really start from, with all this "record"? LOL!), and it is slow, but it feels great when I do a tiny little step (well, I don't have any giant steps so far :) )
Originally I am born in Bulgaria, but the situation in my country was getting tougher and tougher after the communism was destroyed, and most of my countrymen, including myself, were thinking of escaping the country. So, in order to do that and be a successful person with a much easier life, I used an "opportunity" and came to the UK. That "opportunity" consisted of starting a fake PhD in Bulgaria, while, in reality, I was doing a PhD in the UK. The fake-ness of the PhD in Bulgaria consisted of me receiving money from the University in Bulgaria, while I was also receiving money from the University in the UK. At the moment it is impossible for the administration to discover my illegal actions, but now again, I am afraid of the consequences this has and might have on my life. Now that the crime is done, I am not asking you to hold my hand or tap me on the shoulder for what I have done (enough of this fake-ness!). I also know from your books that life will take from me what I have taken illegally, and will give it back to where it belongs. But I can't be in peace with myself for what I have done - I was thinking of donating the amount I stole to that Bulgarian University, but that wouldn't undo what I have done. Plus, I might decide (after donating the money) that I have become a saint of some sort ... and I have already had enough of this bullshit too :) The experience tells me that I should be VERY CARE-FULL with how I progress in life, for this tells a lot about my behaviour so far, but is there anything else I should be looking for, Theun?
Also, do you think I have really grasped your guidance, or is it me re-producing my folly?
Welcome, my friend! :) And thank you for your kind words.
First let me reassure you that you have indeed finally begun to see your folly for what it really is, and I might add that I am very happy for BOTH our sakes that you have! LOL! The last time I met you I found it truly difficult to remain impeccable with you, for you were so full of prejudice and self-importance that you nauseated me! LAMOF!
The sense of unworthiness I saw in you then does indeed stem from your belief that because you were somehow denied a "better" life you are the victim of everybody and everything! But because of your severe self-importance I could also see that in actual fact you had no REASON to believe that you deserve a better life, AND what is more, you KNOW it! LOL! Now your huge confession brings proof to bear upon what I had seen but of which I had no proof at the time. :) Interesting, no? You were determined to HIDE your sins from everyone including yourself, even to the point of attending a retreat with a seer! LOL! Now I call that BRAVADO, even if not exactly COURAGE! LOL! BUT..........to your credit - you came to the retreat nonetheless! :)
So you cannot come to peace with your past? And I am not at all surprised, for you STILL do not have the necessary HUMILITY to ACCEPT yourself for who and what you are. Secretly inside, now that your guilty conscience has caught up with you, you long to turn back the clock and to undo the wrong you committed. But did you only do wrong with the university in Bulgaria? Is it not true that if we are being unimpeccable in one area of our lives then we are also being unimpeccable in ALL areas of our lives? Hmmm? And, in any case, WHO said you committed a wrong? Is this not self-judgement at work? And if you judge yourself, then are you not also judging the world around you? And is JUDGEMENT a life-supportive act?
So what are we REALLY talking about, my friend? Are we merely talking about you having been clever enough to swindle a few bucks out of the university of Bulgaria? Or is your REAL crime against the spirit of man your supreme sense of judgement, and your desire to be better than everyone else?
My dear friend, I know I am being utterly ruthless with you, but it is YOU who asked for guidance, and above all, it is YOUR sense of guilt we are having to deal with here. So if you REALLY want to learn to come to PEACE with your past, then the ONLY way in which you can do this, is to strive with EVERY FIBRE of your being to find the necessary HUMILITY to LEARN from your folly, NOT in the sense of exonerating yourself from your past, for NONE of us can do this, but in the sense of GIVING BACK to life what was never yours for the TAKING! And I am NOT just talking about the university and money! I am talking about EACH and EVERY act of yours in which you JUDGED others because of judging yourself, and thereby ROBBING them of their innate sense of HUMAN-NESS.
There is only ONE way, my friend - only ONE way in which we CAN learn to FORGIVE ourselves for our fumbling and stumbling in learning. There is only ONE way - learn to open your HEART and to EMBRACE ALL of life without prejudice and without judgement! In other words, LEARN to make your EVERY act an act of unconditional love! And in this you MUST start with yourself, for ALL charity starts at home! :) Unless you can love yourself unconditionally, without prejudice and without judgement, you will continue to make impossible demands upon life, and you will end up hating yourself more and more, and in that hating you will project your self-hatred more and more upon the world around you. And thus the cancer will continue to manifest and will continue to grow.
One final word, my friend. I said welcome! And I MEANT it, for I NEVER say anything I do not mean! B-:) Be at peace as from this day onward, for what have you got to lose now? :) Once we are at the bottom of the pit, we are at the bottom of the pit! And from there, there is only ONE way to go - UP! So take heart and take courage! Whilst you are still alive, you still have MUCH to offer life! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make of it what you will, for it is not yet too late to start afresh by living like a warrior from now on, RE-MEMBER-ING always that angels do not make very good warriors. :)
With warm regards,