Hetroflexibility (the male issue), versus homosexuality from Warriors' Experience


  • Hetroflexibility (the male issue), versus homosexuality

Question:

Theun, thanks for mentioning Susan Boyle. I pulled up her performance on Britain's Got Talent on youtube and I was deeply moved. I actually had a bit of trouble sleeping but I think in a good way. I've watched the clip several times.

The honesty of the other apprentices in the communiques has inspired me to answer the questions that you asked me in Communique 5- thank you all, especially the guy from the first message in Communique 7, I admire your courage. I do not open up easily but I suppose that's typical of most men today. There is much of which I feel ashamed.
First, I think I'll set aside for a while the original request about my dream and focus on guidance surrounding my homosexuality. Then I have one more question stemming from Communique 9.
"What makes you so absolutely sure that you are homosexual?"

Well, put simply, I find myself sexually aroused by attractive males but not attractive females. lol. My appreciation for female beauty is aesthetic, not sexual. I wish the situation were reversed. Also, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. I remember feeling as a young child a worry over having to date girls. Maybe this is karma from a past life?

"How old are you, and are you currently in a relationship with another man?"

I am turning 27 August 1st. I am not nor do I have the slightest desire to be in a relationship with another man again. The last time I dated a guy was two years ago. Also, I do not have anonymous sex with guys although I used to. Incidentally, the people who know about my orientation find it far more odd that I should not want a relationship at all then that I should want a relationship with another man. I know that's not about me but it's kind of interesting.
"How many relationships have you had, and how long did each one last?"

I left home when I was 18 to be with a guy. That choice forced me to "come out" to my family. That lasted for 5.5 years. I was not happy and started smoking marijuana frequently as an escapism. I also started drinking. He was 32 when we started going out but he looked much younger and lied to me about his age among many other things. I do not say this to play the victim but to point out that I am and always have been only attracted to guys around my age. I felt trapped in that relationship for many reasons and very guilty for leaving home so early, embarrassing my family and cutting off contact with some friends because I was embarrassed about myself and my situation. He was extremely charismatic and charmed anyone he met; the kind of guy who is your best friend the moment you meet him. It was very difficult to end the relationship. It took me several tries to do so but I finally managed to break free. After him I dated two guys, each roughly six months apart. The first was an on-and-off relationship due to my sense of confusion and indecisiveness. Both lasted only a few short months. I did not have oral or anal sex with the first and I only had oral sex with the second. I am still friends with the last guy. He says that he is bi and wants to be married someday.

Incidentally, I don't smoke marijuana anymore and I'm working on my drinking.

"Do you openly live the life of a homosexual, or do you prefer to keep quiet about it?"

Well, the only reason I didn't keep quiet about it was because of my first relationship. Now I prefer to keep quiet about it. My co-workers don't know.

"Are you happy being a homosexual? In other words, do you enjoy your life?"

No and no. I feel lonely and dispassionate. I do not know what "makes my heart sing".

"You have made it clear that you are the active partner in a homosexual relationship, but what do find attractive in your partners? Do you like them to be masculine? Or do you like them to be feminine?"

Masculine only. Oddly, it suddenly occurred to me as I read this question that I am attracted to masculinity that has vulnerability. However, I would quickly like to point out that I have never wanted to have any form of sex with a guy who wouldn't enjoy it on at least some superficial level. I take pleasure in making guys feel good, not uncomfortable.

"Also, why are you the active partner? Is this purely a sexual preference, or is there something deeper there that you can share with me?"

I am assuming that there is something deeper but this is where I request guidance. I find myself fluctuating between the above mentioned state and other mentalities such as sometimes appreciating the aesthetic quality of a healthy male but unfortunately I still don't find myself sexually aroused by the female. A few weeks ago there was this bodybuilder on TV. I looked at him and felt a strong desire for intimacy unaccompanied by any sexual stimulation.

My father was an abused child in what I now think is every possible way a person can be abused. He is "proud" and has always refused counseling or any other form of help. Perhaps he never gave me the affection that I needed as a baby/child. I did always feel that he liked my brother more than me. My brother was always more into the "guy stuff" like sports. Also, he is obsessed with his appearance in the eyes of others more than anyone I know. He's the biggest homophobe I've ever known and hearing his son is gay was a terrible blow to him. I suppose I feel a bit guilty for that. He never disowned me, he just expected and still expects me to pretend when around him and other people. After reading about some other parents in the Communique I really have absolutely nothing to complain about by comparison. I love my parents and I know they love me. I am trying only to give information, not self-pity.

Anyway, all this is to request for guidance on going to that something deeper that you mention. Any insight you can offer would be appreciated. As embarrassing as this was I will not ask you to be gentle as I appreciate your directness as harsh as it may seem at first.

I do have one more thing if it's not too much to ask as it pertains somewhat to your Communique 9. I work for the city in recreation. I look around at daily job losses by the thousands while I sit waiting for a big raise as we were recently unionized. It makes me feel guilty since my salary and the salary of all city workers is taken from people by big brother without their permission in the form of taxes. Morally, although in my case hypocritically at the moment, I agree with Ayn Rand's view of the only moral government operationg a laisez-faire, free-market capitalist society. The only role of the government is to protect its citizens from internal and external force through police, courts of law, and armed forces. All else should exist in a freely competitive market. The only other obligation a government has to its people is to stay out of their way. Is this wrong? How do I resolve this contradiction? My current plan is to work until the end of August then quit and start school again in September although I will have to take out a student loan for this.

Thank you and I will try to keep future requests shorter but you asked me a lot of questions so I couldn't really help it. :)

Necessarily feeling about an inch tall, exposed, and vulnerable.

Answer:

My friend, let us first of all get one thing straight. As I have already pointed out to you once before, around here you will find no judgement, for I do not uphold judgement. There is also no reason for you to feel embarrassed. However the fact that you should feel so embarrassed about what you shared shows something which is of great importance in understanding what is going on for you. For now I am going to be brief, but I would like us to keep working on this once you have digested what I am going to share with you now.

Your embarrassment, and the fact that you do not openly live the life of a homosexual, is already proof enough that you are not actually homosexual as you think you are. And if we take into consideration also everything else you have shared, then it becomes even more clear to me that you are not homosexual. In fact everything you have shared is what has become classified as heteroflexibility, and this has become huge in the world today.

As I have already mentioned, Toltecs today do not yet fully understand this phenomenon, for it is a relatively new phenomenon, in that although I can see that it has been around for a long time, men are only today willing to admit to it. As a result we have never been able to research it until quite recently. I have been researching heteroflexibility for some years now, but progress in getting to understand it has been slow. :( But I will share with you what I have learned as we continue to explore this together, and I hope that you will be willing for us to do this, because in this way we can possibly help a great many men who are today totally confused about this issue. I would dearly love to help heteroflexibles to come to understand themselves, but unless men ARE willing to step forward on this issue, it is very slow to research, for no two individuals with this make-up manifest it in exactly the same way.

The other thing which I want to touch upon briefly here, is that you must NOT confuse the fact that you do not find women sexually attractive as meaning that you are homosexual. From the little I can see in you for now, and I mean SEE, is that like many people who are starting to come into incarnation today, you are at a point in the evolution of your own awareness where sex no longer drives you. Your sexual attraction to men is in fact far deeper and much more profound than you assume it to be. So once again, do NOT take this as meaning that you are homosexual.

My friend, welcome in our midst, and rest assured that each and every one of us have a role to play within life, meaning that we have VALUE to bring to the world around us. And you are no exception, and this is why I say that there is really NO need for you to be embarrassed. :)

Please ponder very deeply what I have shared with you above, and then let us start working on this together. I believe you are going to enjoy the journey of discovering your true Self. B-:)

To answer your question about your job and government, I will say only this for now; be at peace with your job, and don't do anything rash like trying to be a hero overnight. LOL! Your job is typical of many jobs today, but this is NOT the REAL issue! The real issue lies in how the governments ABUSE the trust people have invested in them by not only squandering public money, but also by using it for reasons that are totally un-life-supportive. But paying someone a salary for rendering the public a service is not wrong, and neither is it the abuse I am referring to. Stay in your job, my friend, for the economic situation in the world today is fast becoming chronic, and soon a great many people will be unemployed.

With warm regards,
Théun