Theun, years ago you said it gave you the creeps to look into my eyes and asked if there was anything about me which was natural. I admitted later on that I didn't like what I saw in my own eyes.
Having shared about this with a friend recently, we agreed we would both practice looking into our eyes in the mirror every day. Here is what has come up for me.
I saw anger, a person who feels threatened by everyone and a certain disdain. I don't know how much of this is feeling and how much is interpretation by the mind. I already knew that I have a lot of anger inside me and I'm glad that I have started to see it and accept it.
Another thing that happened though, was that I looked at my left eye and acknowledge how I feel about it being closed more than the right one. I felt at that moment ugly and hard-done-by. Why is it always ME who has to be different. This opened a can of worms. Why did I have to have such a high voice as a kid, that I sounded like a girl? Why did I have to have acne more than anyone else? Why did it have to be me who had the thickest glasses of them all. And why did I have to be a twin, being called "the twin" by others and never by my name? I now can feel how much anger at life I have inside me from feeling constantly singled out and treated unfairly. I can also see where the "I will hurt you before you can hurt me" behaviour came from and why one of my friends on Evolving Relationship once called me the eye of mordor. LOL Because the first thing people said to or about me was about the things I felt most embarrassed about, i.e. my weakest spots. Children would say it TO me (name calling) and adults would say it ABOUT me to each other (when they talk to each other about you, as if you weren't there). It seems I learnt to do the same thing (go straight for the weaknesses in others) because I felt unconsciously that everyone else was doing the same to me. If the first thing they do to me is expose me, why shouldn't I do the same to them?
Any sort of weakness in me is therefore an attack point and has to be avoided. Is this the reason/one reason why I was so totally cut off from my emotions until recently? Because showing emotions makes me appear more vulnerable?
Am I on the right track? Even if I'm not, I'm glad I'm finding that emotions DO exist inside me. LOL Acknowledging what I saw in my eyes also seemed to change my perception almost straight away, so that now what I see doesn't seem as bad as before. But I have hidden my emotions so well, that I know there must be a lot more and that I have only scratched the surface.
Is there any guidance you can give me on this?
With much love
The Eye of Mordor
:) My friend, you have been learning so much, and therefore changing so much since we last met, and this is very, very good. But now you must learn to give yourself HONEST credit for the long way you have already covered. You are now far more open and honest than you were before. And for the first time you are looking at your behaviour OBJECTIVELY. This, my friend, is half the battle already won! :)
It is true that you have within you much suppressed anger at life, and it is equally true that you have disdain. Your anger comes from not understanding why you have called forth the challenges in your life that you have. And your disdain comes from trying to rise above your challenges by acting as if you are somehow superior to others and that nothing can TOUCH you. And in this lies the answer to why you have shut out your emotions as well as your true feelings - I am UN-TOUCH-ABLE, I am UNABLE to TOUCH or to be TOUCHED, I do not feel! And because I do not feel, I cannot be hurt.
Realise, my friend, that we all have two options within life. Either we become closed and defensive, in which case we become INVULNERABLE and live a "safe and protected" life; or we choose to be vulnerable, in which case we WILL be hurt, we WILL be vulnerable, but we nevertheless live a FULL and a RICH life! The choice is ours.
You long ago chose the first way. Now you NEED to choose the alternative - the choice to become open and vulnerable. In doing so you will be challenged, for sure, for whenever we make a decision power immediately challenges us. LOL! But when the hurt starts to come you can turn it around by helping you to find the UNDER-STANDING that you have always lacked, and as that understanding begins to come you will find your heart becoming ever more open, until finally you will find yourself beginning to act, physically, emotionally and mentally, in ways that are ever more life-supportive, not only towards yourself, but also towards all of life around you. Technically speaking, you will have started to act with unconditional love. :)
What will help you greatly from this point on is to remember at all times the rule of the hunt. "Power shows no mercy, and grants no quarter. The winner takes all!" So when people lash out at you, remember that they are merely the instruments of power, and therefore it is really POWER challenging you to FIGHT for yourself! But power shows NO mercy, and grants NO quarter! So do NOT EXPECT mercy, and do NOT EXPECT to be given even one small quarter! LOL! But if you FIGHT with every FIBRE of your being, your strength, your courage and your belief in yourself, you, the winner, will take all the GIFTS, the spoils of battle. :)
Being a warrior, my friend, and learning to BE-COME a warrior is not for the faint-hearted, but I can honestly say from my own experience, that for me there is no other way in which to live! B-:)
With all my love and my warmth,
Your fellow warrior and friend,