Théun, you told me to determine how I feel about myself as a male and why. I have figured it out. Pardon my language, I mean no disrespect, but I feel fucked in the head.
I mean that literally. I feel like the irrational enters my awareness, and gradually intensifies until it climaxes all over my face. These feelings trigger a strange sense of melancholy and anger. I become exceedingly sensitive to what I consider wrong doings, in myself and others. This tends to cause me issues in my daily life. I deal. After the climax, there is a sense of peace. Another way of looking at the experience, is that I have just gone through the pain of labor, and now the baby has been born. I always feel a great relief, almost reborn. It as if I just entered the world, fresh, but lacking a knowledge of exactly why I am here or what I am supposed to be doing. I immediately set out mapping out the unknown.
I feel, in the past, this mapping has been more of a remapping. I recently have realized that perhaps my dreamer is just trying to shake the bullshit out of my head, and after it does me that service, I go about putting it all right back in. I don't know what to make of this.
I can handle any challenge on the physical plane. It's this in my own awareness that leaves me mangled and confused. It is this inner challenge that makes me fear for my life. I don't want to end up in the places that people with these experiences often end up. I have already had the pleasure of visiting a couple of them.
I am not saying that my constant question to you will provide me with the answers I need. I don't know. I do know that I am not simply acting on idle curiosities, or the desire to tell my friends how cool I am.
I usually spend an hour or two on writing messages to you and for posting in the Living Room (believe it or not, lol). I feel that sending one off raw to you might be of value. I don't know. I mean no disrespect, and I do not feel helpless. I simply want to know what you make of this situation, and how I can deal with it in a way that won't end me up in some kind of box.
Also, it seems the implication of this message is that I am standing up, me, my imperfect self, is standing up. I am not saying that this is how I am going to communicate from this point forward but, I have to be real, I am not going to be a good little puppy, when my heart is full of fire. I respect you Théun, I respect your purpose and your family. I want to be a part of it, but that is for fate to decide.
The experience you are describing is the result of your dreamer trying to get through to you. But I believe you have already noticed this for yourself, no? What is getting in the way of your progress, and I might add, also your freedom, is your RESISTANCE to the process of your life. You and your fellow apprentice who has recently signed himself as the Eye of Mordor, are excellent mirrors for one another. LOL! The two of you should interact by comparing notes, for you can both learn MUCH from one another!
The melancholy you feel after these experiences is the desire to drop the resistance and instead to LEARN to ACCEPT the process of life. The anger you feel is because the reisistance then kicks in in the form of not being too sure how to drop the resistance. But, my friend, asking HOW is an invalid question. All you need to do is to start looking for all the ways in which you DO resist, and then to do the Not-Doing.
And incidentally, you are quite right about becoming loony if you continue with the resistance. And I mean this! When we resist the process of life for long enough, and most especially when one's dreamer is knocking LOUDLY on the door, we start to develop either physical or mental illness. In your case you are heading for psychosis from what you have explained to me in this email. Even your recent behaviour in the Living Room was indicative of tendencies towards psychosis. So I would suggest that you start working on finding and seeing for yourself your resistance. :)
You may well still come and join us permanently at the Temple of Peace, for it is likely that many of you will. :) But first you NEED to work on yourself! When the time is right you will know, and I will know. How will you know? You will know when life and your heart tells you that your old life is over, and that the only thing that makes your heart sing is to be of service. :) But.........consider this: this new phase of my work is bringing to light some very exciting possibilities. I say exciting because never before has the OPPORTUNITY for us to make a very REAL difference in the world begun to be so clear as now. I will say no more about this for now, other than to point out that IF all comes to fruition, then I intend to open groups in Canada, the United States, Russia and the Ukraine within the fullness of this year. The purpose of these groups will be to help spread the teachings, to strengthen those who have already found the teachings, to bring about unity where there is now only division and, above all, to help step down the teachings so as to be accessible to all and everyone.
Don't be so despondent, my friend. Learn not to take yourself so seriously. :) Our folly is an endless source of laughter! Whenever I feel down for whatever reason, I shift the focus, see the funny side of my folly, and then burst out laughing! People often then look at me in total surprise, wondering how in hell's name I had shifted from being so VERY serious to finding humour in the situation. And this makes me laugh all the more! LOL! You see, my friend, although I do not avoid my tears, I much prefer to laugh, for life is more pleasurable this way! :) We always have a choice - the choice to take ourselves seriously or not! But once we lift our eyes off of ourselves to see the greater scheme of things, we realise that no matter HOW much we huff and we puff, we are the bottom of the food chain for now, and therefore we can only but laugh at our folly! We THINK we are so very important, and we THINK that we are the centre of the universe, but we are not! Our planet is NOT even a sacred planet. Instead it is the planet of pain and sorrow, UNTIL we, as humanity, DO something about playing OUR part in making this not so! :)
With much warmth,
Your nagal and friend,