Rebel, without a cause from Warriors' Experience

  • Rebel, without a cause


Greetings :)
Your last response gave me a fair bit to digest :)

I'm white, my father is half Afrikaans, half Welsh. My mother's family is English speaking but I am not sure of their genealogy. My dad is a strong man, and although he can be very stubborn and narrow minded at times, he has a sense of integrity and inner strength that I do not see often. He is a high ranking partner in an international company, and is the kind of person that people respect but never needs to use intimidation, (outside the family lol ). He came from having nothing and managed to be very successful in life. My mother is a very sensitive and emotional woman, she used to be quite fun and light-hearted until an incident a few years ago which I will discuss later. She has been at home since I was born, wanting to rear me and my younger siblings herself. My dad and I never got along until I got to my 20's. Even though we had some intense conflicts I have always felt close to my mom.

I will try and give you a brief overview of my life and major events, without going off on too many tangents. I am not sure what is important for you to know but nevertheless I will try to give you a feeling of what my life has been about.

When I started school I turned out to be a misfit with learning difficulties, I seemed to struggle with simple things, but did very well in complex things and my marks were very good. Despite that, my parents took me to every doctor and psychologist, no one seemed to find anything wrong with me. At school, I was an outcast from the start, children teased me and bullied me and I never had any friends; on top of that I used to drool when I concentrated, and that made things even worse. Throughout school I felt like a complete alien. Apart from this even since before school I used to think about death, before I even really knew what it was, I used to want to kill myself, purely out of curiosity. This stopped after a few years in school, but the more time I spent in school, the more distant I felt. I felt like everything was a play and I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't tell you all of this to share my sob story, LOL, but being in school was a big challenge for me from the start. I did well at everything I did, physically and mentally and because I was teased so much I used this to convince myself that I was superior, and that everyone was just jealous, but deep inside I hated myself, more and more everyday.

I was raised a Christian, and took it very seriously until I got to high school. I started to see that most of them were hypocrites and there were so many contradictions that I couldn't be a part of it anymore. My parents forced me to participate but I was not interested. On top of my doubts, another experience, which started at about the time of high school began occurring and continued to this day. I was lying in bed and all of a sudden I was gripped by sheer fear, an utter and complete terror, for no reason. There were no hallucinations, no trigger, it is an indescribable experience. I thought then and there I was going mad, and I prayed and prayed but to no avail. From then on I started a quest to find truth, I studied and practised every religious and spiritual system I could find. I read every book I could get my hands on much to my parents' despair. The only change in my experience was that it seemed to become more refined. There is no way I can describe this experience but it was a driving force in my life for a long time so I felt it was worth mentioning.

In standard 8 I completely lost interest in school and life. I sunk into depression. If it wasn't for my girlfriend at the time, I would have killed myself. I managed to pass high school and get into varsity. Despite feeling as if everything was false, and nothing was giving me answers I still started varsity deciding to study psychology. My dad bought me a flat and everything seemed set, but I was still not finding answers, I had your books but had not taken them seriously at first. I started experimenting with drugs, I was never a user but I did experiment and that only made things worse. After three months I dropped out of varsity, broke up with my girlfriend and hit rock bottom the first time. Nothing satisfied me so I started looking for more extreme thrills. I became a bouncer and a hedonist. But still I felt no satisfaction, and my problems were only getting worse. During this time I was studying your books, and they held an interest to me but I was hopelessly lost in my self-pity and anger and I did not apply them.

After doing a few other jobs including traveling fire performer, martial arts instructor, restaurant manager and many others I just could not settle. I was at war with my family and had no job and no money. I was also very overweight. It was then that my aunt and uncle (mom's brother) and cousin were killed in a car accident. My family were following in the car behind and witnessed it all. We adopted the two surviving cousins who came to live with us and family life changed. My parents started fighting and everything seemed to be a disaster (this is where my mom went off the rails a bit). I had become so indifferent that I did not feel anything, I even had to force myself to cry just to feel as if I were normal but in truth I was so wrapped up in my self I couldn't feel a thing. At this time on top of losing interest in everything else, I also started losing interest in sex, so I began to think that maybe I was bisexual or gay. I tried to force myself to be normal by becoming even more of a hedonist, and ran away from my problems by going to London where I stayed for nearly a year.

In London the company that I was supposed to work for turned out to be a fake and I ended up homeless and broke. I lived on the streets for a while, but eventually got a job in a bar and the hedonism continued. The thing is that all the drinking gave me no satisfaction but it numbed me. It did not, however, make the terror attacks go away and I was barely managing to keep it together. The job did not pay well and I ended up in debt and eventually came back to SA. I know all of this seems terribly dramatic and pitiful LOL but at that time that is what I felt. It's not that my life was completely free of joy, there were moments, but most of the time I was depressed and lost in self pity. My quest for truth, although faded, was still there and I kept reading and searching.

When I got back I decided to become a medic. I'm not sure why, but in my quest for some kind of enjoyment or satisfaction, I wanted to do the most extreme things possible, to witness life and death in its essence. I know that it must sound sick but in witnessing so much death, I started to feel just a little bit alive. I then started applying the Toltec teachings more seriously, they had always held a special place in my heart but only then did I feel I had any way of even beginning to apply them. Every day was full of challenges, and after doing that for over a year, it seemed power wanted me out. In three months I was shot at, involved in three ambulance accidents, my medic partner was in ICU, and the company we worked for tried very obviously to do her in. Another medic I worked with died in his own car and we ended up on the scene. The terror attacks got far worse. Doing a standby down in Harrismith over Easter, I hit the bottom of rock bottom, again. LOL. I was having an attack and I cried out that if there was any God or power out there, to give me some insight, or something, anything. I then felt (I had been doing some yoga) that I needed to go to India. I know that seems so cliché. I was looking for all the answers outside, I realised only later in India that you have everything you need in your life right here and now, but at that time I did not want to see this.

India was so amazing I could write a whole book about it. I made plans to go and the money just appeared. I ended up in an ashram in a very remote area. An ashram was not like I thought, I thought we would meditate and do yoga the whole day, I found out there that ashram comes from the Sanskrit shram, which means to labour and boy did we labour. Other than doing a technique similar but different to the dreaming practice, and a few exercises every day, we worked and worked and worked some more. If you did sloppy work you did it again, after a few months of this, you start to experience the value of Impeccability. The head of the ashram seemed to exude Impeccability and peace, he managed the place with an iron fist, but never seemed to lose this quality. He made a very big impression on me and by the end of my time there, I had lost 25 kg, felt healthy, and my whole attitude had changed. I realized that all these years I had been seeking for something outside, and not wanting to take responsibility for my life and myself. In the ashram I had taken some of your books and working with them there they seemed to take on a new light for me. I came back to SA with a new attitude towards my life and towards the Toltec teachings. I understand what you are saying about living in a community, living in close proximity and working with various people with differing backgrounds is very challenging, and many times I felt like throttling or throwing a brick at one of my fellow ashramites. LOL

I met my wife, we became friends at first with no other interest, and slowly grew closer. Eventually we developed more feelings for each other and got married last year. Being in a serious relationship is definitely a big challenge, (especially with my lack of interest in sex) but a rewarding one. I have been working on resolving this with my wife. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere it bites me when I'm least expecting it.

I have tried to outline to you the challenges I have faced in my life, as I felt that this was the most important information for you to know about me. So it may seem like I feel that my life is crappy, and back then that was how I felt, but now I see my life was and is a great adventure. I have seen and done more in my life than most people I know. Also because of my stubbornness and self-pity, power had to literally kick the shit out of me to get me to take responsibility for my life. My only regret is that I spent so much time trying to sort myself out, that I have not really gained any recognised skills that could aid the rest of humanity.

I have carefully considered what you have said about me seeming like an airy fairy do-gooder, I feel I am more of a stubborn procrastinator, who has airy-fairy dreams but has been too scared of following them (this is what I am working on changing now). My challenge has more to do with not becoming cruel and overbearing. People have often told me I am unsympathetic and tactless or that I am a foolish clown. So for a long time now I've been sweetening up a little :) . I know also that I can get into an overenthusiastic fanatic mode sometimes (the Sagittarian in me LOL), so that might be why I seem to be a do-gooder. I have been a real asshole many times and there is definitely more anger in me than luurve. LOL

To be honest with you I have been disgusted with humanity and myself for a long time and have felt many times like retreating into isolation and having nothing to do with the world. I have never until the ashram even liked people let alone loved them, but in India I realised that I am a part of humanity and if humanity goes down then so do I and that I have been just as guilty as anyone else. So now I stand here, wanting to make some kind of difference, but only starting to learn how to go about it.
I hope this letter was not too long and has given you the information you need.

On another note, do you feel there is any potential for the “Laser” in SA? There are a lot of alternative healers here as I’m sure you know so maybe there is potential?

Choo choooooooo

With much warmth and gratitude :)
The chookoo train


LOL! I asked you to tell me about yourself because I could sense that you are somewhat of a delinquent! I just needed to know in WHAT way you are a delinquent! Now I know! <g> You are, what I like to call, a rebel without a cause! LMAO!

You see, my friend, some of us come into life with a very definite purpose to fulfil, and so we call forth those challenges which we desperately NEED in order to PRE-PARE ourselves, (do you understand what that word means?), for fulfilling this purpose. But in our stupidity we want what everyone else seems to have. You know, friends, fun at school, a good job, a good body, a pretty girl, being able to hump in bed like a stallion, <wg>, money, popularity etc. etc. etc. But then we find that all these pleasurable things are being denied to us. Then we become HUGELY pissed off! And we throw ALL our toys out the cot! Then everyone refuses to pick them up and put them back into our cot. So we become even MORE pissed off! And we start to behave like REAL delinquents! And so we go on and on and on until.................

We have learned to ACCEPT the process of life by ACKNOWLEDGING that we OURSELVES write the script of our lives even BEFORE we are born! In other words, there is NO-ONE to blame other than ourselves! For WHO wrote the goddamned script? <g> So now we are faced with a dilemma, namely, do we hate ourselves, or do we get on with the script we wrote for ourselves?

So, in finally having EXHAUSTED ourselves in fighting AGAINST the script we wrote for ourselves, we decide to start doing something about it. But what is the script? And where do we start? But there is no-one to tell us! The people around us are just SILENTLY getting on with THEIR lives! And so we start to feel angry again! We start to become REBELLIOUS! And this is what I mean by being a rebel without a cause. In other words, until you CAN find your purpose, your cause, within life, you will continue to wander around aimlessly and getting pissed off at the drop of a hat! LMAO!

So now here YOU are, having drifted around life behaving like a bull in a china shop, and STILL without a cause! <ebwg> So what are you going to DO about it? Got any bright ideas? Or are you asking ME to tell you what your cause is? Now it just so happens that I LIKE delinquents, for I was one myself! But it is BECAUSE I was one myself that I also know that NO-ONE can tell a rebel without a cause ANYTHING, because the moment anyone even TRIES, the rebel immediately again becomes an exceedingly defiant delinquent! LOL! You know what I mean, "How DARE you tell me what to do, or what to think? WHO do you think YOU are? Grumble. Grumble. Mutter! Mutter!" <g>

So NOW where do we go to, Choochoo?

With all my warmth and laughter,

P.S. If you would like to help us with the lasers in SA then shop around and see what you can find out. Having been a medic you may still have some viable contacts that may be able to point you in the right direction. SA is indeed one of the places we are looking at in terms of a possible market. We are also very interested in the possibility of rural communities that do not have hospitals or doctors nearby. But often these communities do have clinics of sorts, and these clinics may well be interested in acquiring healing machines as versatile as the lasers. Perhaps our SA black friend whose nickers are now in a knot because of my choice "French," <wg>, also has some bright ideas and/or contacts, for as we all know, black empowerment is very strong in SA. If we could land a deal with the SA government for these lasers it would be great! So see what you can do, and DO ferret out our black friend in the Living Room and ask him for his input as well.