Theun, first of all I'd like to thank YOU for the Toltec Legacy, for your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to all of us.
in 15-Feb-2008 my father died. My father drank vodka at least 30 years till his death. I was a witness of this madness from my childhood and I was forced to come to him, buy food, find him nobody-knows-where and save him from his Delirium tremens.
That while I did my recapitulation and every time I found what strong influence of my father I had. I watched his mirror and felt his permanent sufferings. He was woundable, with large feeling of guilt, do-gooder and depressive. He needed someone's love and some kind of mother care for all time. He stayed on the boy. He looked like a clown. He had a very low self-image. He loved us but his love was conditional and under alcohol. I shuddered his drunk emotionality and often disgrace and pity. At least two times he came to suicide but somebody saved him. It is terrible, but I'm not sure until now either he dead from heart attack or his suicide. I blamed him and people around me and I was hatred and appeared like an arrogant moron. I repeated this habit beating myself again and again for any my mistakes and failures.
Recapping around I got all father's brothers died due to alcohol, some members of that family and my elder brother seem is stepping the same way.
The first of my very emotional wish was to stop the gloomy self-destroying behaviour of that family. Are there my sin and guilt in this?
I cannot change the old today, but I believe their death must not be unjust and unfounded. I feel my responsibility for that mess, because we are parts of the One Life, and I must TRANSFORM it as well as my view of the world. I fed up with that old. I lied all my life under pressure of that conditions. I feel suppressed anger and I'm willing to fight. What I have in result is a heap of mess, like ruins after the war and a lonely man who wants to live.
I don't believe the transformation as well as not-doing are the blind action. I don't know exactly what to do with this luggage, but, if look what I did last year was mostly making order, cleaning and throwing out the old things and/or burning them.
This spring is beautiful and inspirational as never before. The old garden where I like cultivate green and trees is bringing me a lot of joy. I made beds and planted with the seeds. Apple and cherry trees are in flower now. It gives me a hope.
Theun, my questions are:
I am what I am, and the warrior that I thought about myself was founded as an illusion. I'm writing YOU and I'm keeping in my LEFT hand a lot of ticket to THE FREEDOM.
In the bottom of my heart, with feelings I'm MAN, FRIEND, fellow and I'm with YOU. But I have experienced that from feeling to living as warrior totally are great distance of enormous work and battles with no guarantee. I'm trying to build a bridge from feelings to practical action and join them together.
What the way to uncover TRUE MYSELF on the LIGHT? How can I TRANSFORM those long years separatism and self-destroying habits to THE FREEDOM and RICH and JOYFUL LIFE?
With heartily warm
My heartfelt friend, you Russians never cease to amaze me! :) The one moment you are as mischievous as naughty children and then the next moment you are all heart! LOL! Welcome back, my friend, and I hope your lovely wife will soon be joining us as well.
Realise that although we MUST own our mirrors and take responsibility for having called them forth in our lives, yet we CANNOT be held responsible for the doings and the behaviour of others. What it means to OWN our mirrors is that we must USE them by bringing everything they reflect for us back to ourselves and then making it about ourselves. And if you do this, then indeed someone like your father did not live and die in vain. He made a difference, my friend. He made a difference, albeit by default! He showed YOU how NOT to live! Love him for that. :)
So rest in peace regarding your family. You are NOT to blame for where they are at.
Although it does not feel like it for you right now, believe me when I say that you are actually in a very, VERY good SPACE right now. I say this because MANY, even if not yet all, of your ILLUSIONS have been stripped away by your life's experiences. And this is good! VERY good! :) There is no way we can REALLY make much progress upon the Warrior's Path whilst we still hold onto ILLUSION. Only once illusion is stripped away does it become possible to change our perception and to start to see the REALITY of life OBJECTIVELY. Until then the subjective never matches or fits the objective. This is where you are right now, namely, DIS-ILLUSIONED. :)
Look around you, my friend, and RE-JOICE in the richness which is your life! You say the spring this year is BEAUTY-FULL and INSPIRATIONAL like never before. But is this not also YOUR mirror, my friend? Is Mother Nature not reflecting for you the SPRING of your NEW life? No? :)
So BE happy, my friend, and give THANKS in your heart for another day of LIVING, for another day of LEARNING. Do NOT allow the CON-FUSION of the MIND to bow you down to worrying about your journey upon the Warrior's Path. Instead, go out into your garden and plant some potatoes with joy in your heart! BE thank-full that you CAN plant potatoes, and do so IMPECCABLY. And when they are ready for harvest, harvest them, and then PEEL them with loving IMPECCABILITY, and FORGET about being a warrior! The Warrior's Path, just like any other path, goes nowhere! And being a warrior is NO-THING more than a MYTH! :) We BE-COME warriors, my friend, NOT because of all our huffing and puffing, but because we LEARN to BE content with our lives, our scripts and our challenges, big and small. And as we LEARN to approach each new day with PEACE in our hearts and with HUMILITY as our keynote, we find in time that we have BE-COME the MYTH! Only THEN do we understand that to BE a warrior is not the result of our cleverness, but is instead the gentle and at first unnoticeable transmutation that leads to transformation and eventual transfiguration into a warrior. No warrior ever REALLY knows how he or she BE-CAME a warrior. The only thing the warrior CAN share with you is his or her JOURNEY upon life, and the great MANY marvels he or she encountered upon that journey. :)
The Christ once said, "Unless you become like little children you will never inherit the Kingdom of God." This is something every warrior knows to be true from experience.
Remember, always, my heartfelt friend, that the MANY teachings for the right side, are merely there to APPEASE the MIND, and to act as a springboard into the Unknown, the teachings for the left side which can NEVER be verbalised. But once in the Unknown, which is where you are now, then TRUST your HEART, for it is all you have! :)
With all my love, my warmth and my support,
Your nagal and friend,