Théun, I would like to ask about a recapitulation I have had a few times recently which has got my rational mind slightly squirming.
I have experienced some powerful moments of tearful joy. These have happened on a number of occasions - with people sharing something meaningful, recapping or being in nature. I also experienced it when I first saw you again - on your new videos (which are great).
Today for example I was sat in my garden, amongst my plants, vegetables and flowers relaxing after long day at work. I noticed how one of my roses had a physical impact on me. It looked perfect, awesome - exactly how I FEEL the yellow rose of friendship looks. I felt a welling up of tears and a inner desire or urge to hug the earth/my garden! I know this sounds a bit wet, but I cannot find the words to do the feeling justice.
I sat recapping (in a quiet room on my own) on this feeling - the tears then came, my whole body seemed to be buzzing or tingling - I stayed with the feeling for some time and they became more intense and more clear. I really felt sensations around the chest area of my body, I was also breathing very deeply. This then caused more tears which were at times almost to the point of proper crying (as I write this my eyes are welling up for some reason). I then experienced a series of memories where this feeling had arisen for me before and as the tears came I felt I was in these memories experiencing the tears;
It feels really quite strange. Its like I want to merge with the earth (Not in an airy fairy way! & cringing saying this and fearing rejection!). Sometimes it also brings up a total fearlessness in me too where I am not afraid of dying, which is VERY unusual for me as I am not the most trusting of the process of life as you have pointed out to me before. My rational mind is 'hurting' because it cannot compute why when I feel joy (the desire to live) I have these tearful moments. Is this re-action the same for everyone or do others laugh uncontrollably? This also may seem like a stupid question but is the desire to live the desire to connect? Is this experience in some way touching or working with the dreamer? Should I keep working with this feeling as much as possible?
I am also concerned if I should be 'closing down' or 're-sealing' myself after these intense sessions of working with feelings and opening up? Sometimes I don't feel properly 'with it' afterwards and I wonder if one can damage themselves if they do too much work with opening up?
On a different note I am also aware I have a desire to be accepted by you, another part of my little self is also a bit dissapointed I have not been whacked yet by you (I am not asking for it though!!!). I also wonder if I should be exposing myself more than I am currently in the Living Room or in my interactions with you? I am really a very angry self important big head but I am not sure this is coming across!? Should I be Not-Doing my arrogance in the living room or allowing my re-actions at times to come at the risk of causing another sand pit fight?
With much warm regards and a headache from recapping
LOL! You are an exceedingly funny man! :) I have never before met anyone wondering if he is doing okay because he is NOT in trouble? LMAO!
What you are experiencing in your recapitulation is very normal, even wanting to hug the earth. :) Some people hug a tree instead! LOL! Although Toltecs are not into hugging the earth or into hugging trees, yet we DO know where such feelings come from. LOL! They come from the deep inner desire to connect to ALL of life, to be AT-ONE with the One Life. So don't worry! You are not going nuts. <g> Just keep working with these feelings, and in time they will start to transmute your every action, physical, emotional and mental, into actions that are truly life-supportive and that have about them the quality of TOUCHING the world LIGHTLY. The tears you experience are tears of melancholy, the desire to change, and in your case, the desire to change you current view of the world to that of the fluid warrior who IS very much AT-ONE with ALL of life. And the joy you experience is the heart's response to being at-one with all of life.
No, you cannot come to harm by working with these feelings. The worst that CAN happen is that you will in time become a very loving and lovable man. LOL!
And no, please keep your shit to yourself. LOL! You can work on your shit WITHOUT having to inflict it on all of us! Thank you! :) Quite besides which, I met you at the retreats, remember, and so I know full well how very self-important, conceited and arrogant you are! LOL! But at least you are not QUITE as bad as your father! Phew! Has he "elevated" himself to the level of Buddha yet? SMT RATFL! Give him my warm regards next time you see him, and tell him from me that I still see him as being a very smelly old fart! LOL! Then give him a hug from me. I suppose he has not joined us on Toltec legacy because he doesn't want his tiara messed with? <ww>
With much warmth and laughter,