I would like to share some experiences I recently had and ask for any guidance you could give me about them.
I was at the bus station in Dublin, just having bought a ticket to visit a healer. I was quite frustrated that I was going to arrive late and will have very little time to spend with him, as I had to travel back to Dublin early on the following day. I wanted to go to the toilet and as I entered it, I saw a young boy there, he looked like a teenager, but I didn't pay much attention to him - only noticed that he had a white jumper and black hair. As I was urinating, I grasped with my peripheral vision the unusual movements of his hand and thought he was probably masturbating. I was OK with that thought - if he had to release the pressure, then who am I to stop him. :) But I also noticed some curiosity in me around this, and turned to him as I was putting my belt on (he was on my right). I saw his erected penis in his hand and immediately felt fear. The fear was so huge, that I bumped into the wrong door as I was exiting the toilet LOL! But then realised that the fear is because I was very, very attracted to his erected penis. As I was going back to the waiting room in the bus station, I felt my attraction was so big, that I was very close to having a wet dream in the middle of the bus station full of people LOL! I sat down on a bench, trying to relax and observe myself. As I sat, an old lady stood next to me, on my left, and I thought: "OK, I am at least safe now." LOL! I was sitting all full of the attraction to what I just saw and very afraid, because I was so tempted to follow that attraction.
In the past I have had this recurring dream of a very big erect penis, which I was putting in my mouth. Then the idea would stay attractive to me for a while every time this dream occurred. The way I used to interpret this dream was that I need to learn about my maleness. Also, in my life, I was always looking for a strong male whom I could watch taking the lead and act, and I was very happy to observe him and do all that I could to support him. The feeling when doing this has always been really strong. I wanted to make sure that that man believed me 100% and I do not disappoint him. So, I took this together with my dreams as a sign that I have been searching for what it is to be a true male. But sometimes my readiness to be supporting the strong male will turn into abusing myself - I would not say things I feel in order not lose the friendship of that person, etc. This has always resembled for me the way my mother behaves with my father.
Anyway, as I was trying to recap this at the bus station, I saw that boy from the toilet appearing and taking a seat opposite to me. Oh boy, was I scared!! I felt like when I was a little boy and was about to enter into a physical conflict. It didn't matter that the boy sitting opposite to me was half my size. I feared that he was going to say something, or do something, and then the only way for me to escape was to scream in panic and pray to leave me alone. Then I did the only thing I could at that time, suddenly stood up, took my phone and was about to make a phone call. I was about to call my wife and ask them how they are. :) Strangely, I didn't get connected. LOL! Tried again and again - same result. :) So I took a walk outside the station. When I walked I realised that although I was attracted to that erect penis, the fear was because I knew the boy was sick, and I was afraid that he could use my attraction to abuse me. I was watching the men on the street to check whether I am attracted to them. I saw I was attracted to those who I felt I could trust, but maybe not to the men themselves, rather to the idea of their penises and of experimenting having sex with them.
As I was having the walk the healer called me on the phone. He was surprised I was arriving so late. I took this as him being pissed off with me and the mess I have created by visiting him for only a very short time, and then having to leave. He said there were plenty of buses I could have taken. "What is it all about?" At first I was eager to defend myself, but then realised that I had done pretty much everything I could to visit him, given the circumstances. When I arrived we had a short but great time together. So the feeling of being attacked by his "blame" was only a product of my perception.
After having the walk I felt like a coward for escaping and was insisting that I should have stayed no matter what. So I went back to the station and was searching for that boy. He passed by, but was busy walking to the toilet again. He seemed so concentrated in what he was about to do, that he didn't pay attention to anything around him. Then I felt sorry for him, because this reminded me of my obsession with watching porn movies in the past. I would spend long days in front of the TV, indulging in the pleasure that I was receiving by masturbating. In the end this would make me feel empty, alone and inadequate. As a result my communication with women, and people in general, would get even worse, very much like the men with weak mothers you describe in "The Quest for Maleness."
On the following day I had to catch a bus from that bus station. I was wondering whether I should go to the toilet to search for that boy, to face the challenge again and do my best to stand firm this time, despite the fear ... But in the end I decided not to, as this didn't seem to be the point. Maybe it wasn't only my self-image seeking revenge, because it was hurt by me having to run out of fear from this smaller-in-size boy? Well, there was also curiosity, to experience the same thing again and watch for things I have missed the first time, but somehow I felt I should just be open for the next opportunity to learn when it comes, rather than forcing the things to happen.
Another thing that happened on that day, when I got on the aeroplane: There were two girls sitting in front of me, often turning around and then bursting into laughter. In cases like this I instantly assume, very much like my mother, that the people are laughing at me. My first reaction was to see what possibly could be wrong with me that made them laugh. Then I was looking for things in them I could laugh at in return. :) When I was at school children would often laugh at me and bully me - I was tall and was wearing glasses :) . So to look for things I could laugh in return is like an instinct. When taking off, I was watching through the window and experienced an unusual fear, I felt like a small particle in the hands of the fate!
I have the feeling that all "accidents" I described are related somehow...
What should I be looking for in these experiences, Theun? In particular, am I correct in thinking that these challenges occur in my life because I have to revisit how I feel and act as a man/male, have to see where in my life I am obsessed, have to recap my fear in facing conflicts? Is there a bigger picture of which these are all parts? If what I am thinking is correct, how is "being laughed at" related to this? So far I can see my low self-image in the latter.
My dear friend, you are NOT going to like this guidance. :)
Your feelings surrounding your recurring dream and this latest experience are correct in so far that you NEED to ponder VERY deeply upon your perception of yourself as a male. However, your dream as well as your experience are also STRONG indications that your sense of maleness is very mixed up with your sense of what it is to be a sexual being. For most heterosexual men this is never in question, because they ASSUME that maleness is the same as sexuality. However, this is not true. Maleness and sexuality are COMPLEMENTARY to one another, but NOT one and the same.
I explain this because there are today a great MANY heterosexual men who are beginning to sense the NEED for redefining the COMMON understanding of what it means to BE male. The old common definition, mostly based upon social conditioning, and according to which most men today still operate, has served its purpose, and therefore now it is time to move on. As a result there are today those I mentioned who find themselves in the very difficult position of having to redefine for themselves what it means, firstly, to be heterosexual; secondly, what it means to be male; and thirdly, what it means to be a sexual being. And this is an inevitable result of principally three factors, namely, the evolution of awareness; PLUS ancient but nevertheless POWERFUL thought-forms surrounding homosexuality, and which have again surfaced very strongly within the consciousness of man because of the sexual liberation movement; PLUS the effects of the incoming Seventh Ray concerning SYNTHESIS through the medium of Ceremonial Order and Magic. An important factor, from amongst many, within the Seventh Ray, is the right understanding of sexuality.
My friend, both your recurring dream as well as this experience you have just had, all point to the fact that you are one of above men, known today as heteroflexibles. Briefly, and you will find more in the archive, this means that although you are very definitely heterosexual as opposed to homosexual, you nevertheless are drawn to having sex with another male. But note I say male, and not man. This is an important factor, for most heteroflexibles are NOT drawn to having sex with just any man. There are exceptions in what I have encountered so far, but generally it is the SEXUAL BEINGNESS of the male, that is, the SEXUAL POTENTIAL of maleness, that the heteroflexible finds attractive, rather than the PHYSICAL aspect of simply having sex with a man. And needless to say, the erect penis is the symbol of that sexual potential.
The good news is that you are NOT a weirdo! LOL! But the bad news is that with where most of humanity is still at today, people WILL laugh at you behind your back for being whacko if you make this challenge known publicly! :( But the other good news is that you are not alone on Toltec Legacy. You have, right now, a fellow apprentice facing this same challenge. Because this subject is so very sensitive I have suggested to your fellow apprentice that we work on this challenge in private, publishing only the knowledge we gain about heterofelxibility in the archive. In this way you can both save yourselves the embarrassment of letting it all hang out, as it were, in public. I see no need for such embarrassment. As I have not yet started to work in all seriousness with your fellow apprentice, this is a good time for you to join him. The two of you will draw much courage from each other, and both of you will benefit greatly by being able to compare notes. So I would like to suggest that you write to me privately from this point on. First write to Subscribe, and then I will respond to you from my private email address, for all emails needing my attention are redirected to me.
One final word of advice. Until you have found your FEET in this challenge, I suggest you do not YET share any of this with your wife, unless you FEEL that she will be okay with it. The LAST thing you need right now is for your wife, your closest friend, to suddenly go into panic about what is happening to you. LOL! Needless to say, once you HAVE found your FEET you WILL have to share with your wife, but not right now, for the sakes of BOTH of you.
With warm regards and all my support,