Théun, the moment is finally here, I'm excited that I can interact directly with you now, share and ask you for guidance. Before I proceed with my question I'd like to crack one thing that has been annoying me since my first days on Toltec Legacy, namely my first interaction with X. I posted my regrets about my behaviour on the forum but I also wanted to apologize to you directly and thank you for the sobering spanking, which helped me grow up very quickly and realize what is the purpose of all of us interacting and working together in the Living Room. After I spent the following three days in state of melancholy and reflections on my behaviour, I entered a new state of deep determination to study and work on myself as much and as fast as possible. I felt and still feel very focused and full of energy, realising that unfortunately I've lost much time just fantasizing about becoming a warrior but had never done much to pursue my dream in reality. I had always had lust for knowledge and had been considering different post graduate studies to broaden my perspective but had never found anything that would make my heart sing. During that time I've always had the Toltec Teachings before my eyes and I had never realized that this is the knowledge and the study I've been looking for. I never regarded the Teachings as a real study, but merely as a hobby that I deal with in my spare time. How naive and blind I have been...
My request for guidance is on shortcomings. During the last year or more I've been exploring different ways of how Abuse manifests in my behaviour. It started with an interaction with one of the Evolving Relationship forum members, which went in a very similar manner to my conversation with X, with the main difference that there was no nagal to kick my ass. I accused the other person that he's been writing too long and nonsense posts, went through very intensive blame game and ended up apologizing, realizing that I was merely projecting. This was the first time when I discovered that instead of trying to work with my emotions and not merely react I found it much easier to attack an innocent person and after I beat the shit out of him to give him a hug and demand his friendship. When I looked to the list of Dark Jewels and Shortcomings I found that Abuse Generally with active shortcoming Oppression rang very true for my case. I could see all behaviours belonging to this shortcoming in me: forcefulness, greed, coercion, aggression, playing the Blame Game. As well as passive shortcoming Fixation and related behaviours - infatuation, romance, fanaticism, and narrow-mindedness, which further strengthened my doubts. Since then I've been stalking myself to find more evidence. And yes, I found myself being often oppressive when things would not go according to my expectations or when I want to have someone where I need him but he's been reluctant to go there. I am having bursts of aggression and it is difficult to impossible to control myself in such moments. From the other pole, infatuation is a very typical state I've been experiencing and although I burned my fingers few times when I was younger and I wouldn't run to buy flowers for every nice girl that passes by anymore, I still have moments when I feel I can easily loose my mind for a woman. Already when I was a small child I used to fantasize love stories before I fell asleep, where I would usually imagine I was a Wild West cowboy/gunfighter who was saving beautiful girls from the clutches of the bandits (romance).
There are other more subtle ways how I think I abuse people too, like for example the way I use the behavioural patterns of my wife in order to gain advantage for me. An example could be the moments when I'm willing to do some home work that has been usually done by her and when she at beginning seems rather reluctant to split the work with me (inertia) I never insist twice, staying rather in my comfort zone and letting her do the job.
Your bollocking put light on another shocking realization, more precisely that I've been having a totally wrong perception of my person, thinking that by being warm and nice to people and always willing to help I am a special good person. Especially my readiness to help is in the core of the problem as I realised that in many cases the hidden driver to helping people has been to receive their appreciation and admiration, to which I am addicted. It is like a very strong drug to feel adored and priced. This realisation was the main reason why I felt so bad about myself after I got your bollocking - I was deeply disillusioned about my true self. When I followed this thread in the Study I discovered that the dark jewel Illusion gives life to Altruism and kindness of heart, as well as Gullibility and do-gooder - all behaviours that I can see often in me.
I'm wondering if my observations are correct and if you have smelled something from what I mentioned above. I know that it's been very short time to get a clear feeling on my behaviour but on the other side it took me two posts to start a conflict, so maybe I'm an easy book to read...
Thank you Théun
LOL! Welcome in our midst, my friend, even though you DID make.............. shall we just say, a VERY grand entrance! LOL! You made quite sure than no-one was going to miss your arrival!
You must remember that ALL the shortcomings come from the ONE Dark Jewel, egotism, so to a greater or a lesser degree we all have all of the shortcomings to contend with. However, there is always one, and in rare cases two shortcomings, that are very definitely for us a MAJOR challenge within any one lifetime, and it is this shortcoming which we refer to as being the personal shortcoming. And, yes, as far as shortcomings are concerned you are indeed easy to see, for it was not only your arrival which was very informative, but also your interactions with Alexandros concerning your marketing ideas. LOL! Your shortcoming is indeed Oppression. You are what is called the proverbial bully! SO now you must figure out for yourself how best to transmute Oppression into something USE-FULL, but being a bully is NOT useful! LOL!
With warm regards,