Théun, I am still recapitulating the events of Saturday night but I did want to share some insights and I have one question coming from the Quest for Maleness book.
I have come to the realization that my escaping is involved in all areas of my life including my search for truth. The bottom line is doing the teaching and that is what I have been escaping. The accusation that I rode the coattails of my wife to Slovakia is also true. After reading chapter six in the Male book it is a wonder that I was able to walk out of there at all. By all rights I should have been devoured by all the wolves and desert for the fox for my display of ignorance about the teachings and the gull to stand there and justify it!
It has taken me a while to realize that it was me that called forth this battle. The experience of sitting amongst a group of practicing Warriors without having a clear intention is a lesson that does not or should not have to happen more than once. This was an experience I will Never forget.
It was also an experience that has focused my intent to take these shortcomings as a gift showing me what I need to work on. The urgency of addressing them Now and in every waking moment that I am breathing in this lifetime is very real. I simply cannot allow the magnitude of the work ahead to discourage me.
It is in this light that I wish to ask for guidance. Even at the risk of another close shave or even a slice.
In chapter six of the Male book ". . . the male is the one who firstly, provides the lead, secondly points out the direction; and thirdly, prescribes the method to be employed." As I read this, the task seems almost too much but I know that there IS a place to begin right now, with whatever I have even if I fall, I need to stand again and initiate. My strategy is to begin by initiating conversations with my wife about our relationship and listen carefully. Could you give guidance on this?
Right now I am feeling very strongly the fear of being inadequate and am going to explore this.
With love and regards
P.S. I have been thinking of what I could offer to help further the work of The Toltec Legacy. Before taking on carpentry jobs as an independent, I was engaged in manufacturing and worked in many shops over a period of 25 years. The last 12 years were specifically making prototypes using CNC milling machines, designing and machining plastic injection moulds for short run production (200,000 parts and under) and using solid modelling CAD/CAM systems to program the machine tools.
I purchased my own CAD system some years ago which can be used to create a solid model of the enclosure for the laser product. The internet works great for sending e-drawings. I would love to work on a project that would benefit both humanity and The Toltec Legacy.
My friend, I know that you perceived Saturday evening as being a bit of a rough ride, but as I pointed out to you at the time, and as you have now discovered for yourself, there are NO victims in this world. We ALL call forth the challenges that come our way, and you did so on Saturday evening with the bravado of a man that is in full command of his power and who is therefore not fighting for his life. LOL! Yet the battle you called forth is a most dire battle, but you still seem to be wholly unaware of the magnitude of what you called forth, for the simple reason that you have become utterly complacent in your marriage. In fact, you treated D with absolute disdain bordering on contempt. From my perspective, witnessing the battle between you and D, it was hugely amusing, for no matter how hard D was pushing you into fighting for your own sobriety and for your own life, you simply continued to justify your every action with the biggest lot of bullshit I have ever heard, which is why I asked you at one point in what way you were using the Warrior's Shield? I found it amusing because you had just shared with us how valuable the Warrior's Shield is, and then the next minute, in the heat of the battle, you cast it aside, completely forgot that you have a sword, and proceeded to throw words and logic at D, AND, the cherry on top was that you looked highly pleased with yourself, and even said so much when you stated that never before have you really stood up for yourself in front of a group of people. LOL! If I recall, it was more or less at that point when I asked you if we should applaud you, to which you actually AGREED and stood up whilst I applauded! LOL!
Nonetheless, if we have been of service to you then at least the battle was not in vain. :)
You say that you would like to make a start by initiating conversation with your wife concerning your marriage. And this is good! However, considering where your marriage is at you should not see this as being an easy first step. It is going to be FAR from easy! And it is going to take ALL of your personal power to NOT react, but to listen with care and to respond intelligently. You have neglected being male for all of your marriage, and therefore what is going to come out of this wash is NOT going to be all that pretty. So be prepared. The only guidance you need with respect to this, is to KNOW that the TRUE male takes the punches standing up! If you remember nothing else but this, you will find within yourself the strength, the courage and the necessary sobriety, to listen without REACTING all over the place like a moron, which will then EN-ABLE you to fight an impeccable battle in becoming more male. And I trust that you are noting my words with CARE, for I am NOT just waffling at you. I said, becoming more male, for you must surely realise that despite your physical age, you are at this point in your life nothing but a very spoilt and rather uncouth little boy! I say spoilt because your wife certainly has a role to play in your behaviour, in having mostly supported you in your weaknesses. And I say uncouth, for from a Warrior's perspective you have ZERO idea on how to conduct yourself in the presence of a female. So are you male? The sad truth is, no, not by a LONG shot!
You need to grow up, my friend, and come to realise that your little boy behaviour may have been very cute when you were 3 years old, but when a man in his sixties STILL behaves like a 3-year old, it is quite frankly, ridiculous, and an utter embarrassment to the male species.
With warm regards,