In what way do I do hard drugs ?
I feel a sense of apathy towards living an ordinary life because I am unable to escape it's perceived ugliness. I resort to indulging in negative intensity. This indulgence eases the strain momentarily, but digs me deeper and deeper.
The idea I'm devoted too ?
I have X Y 319 tattooed on my left forearm. I use the word X as the author Colin Wilson used the word outsider. "One who sees too much, too deep", and is thus a deviant from the norm. Y, is simply triple S, survival, success and spirituality. 319 refers to 1 Peter 3:19; "By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison". A passage that some use to explain that there is always a chance for salvation, even after one goes to hell. Another view of it could be that the spirit has been sent into the prison of matter in order to free those held captive in chains of confusion.
I like to think of this as the name of my mission. I'm the villain of christ in the prison of life!
How am I idealistic ?
How am I not idealistic ? :) I have huge expectations of myself, which I totally fail to meet, see myself as superior, a folk hero waiting to happen, but will probably die a dish washer, LOL.
The lesson learned ?
Perceived ugliness is the root of my delinquency. I see that now. I am pissed because I perceived my family life and economic situation as VERY unattractive. My life is all mucked up! And there is my physical body, my economic situation, my lack of achievement in life, my lack of friends... etc. etc. Yes, I perceive myself as being VERY unattractive, in a lot of ways. I project this ugliness on the world around me, and hate disgusting humans and their doings. The natural world is beautiful, but humans - not so much.
So what am I going to do ?
Last night, I began with my father. I usually see him in a negative light, but still feel a closeness to him. Last night I examined my perception of him, and still see him as FAR (VERY FAR, LOL) from perfect, but at the same time, working with what he had he has a lot of strong points. Very strong points, much stronger than most men I've met. It almost brings tears to my eyes to realize that I haven't acknowledged this at all. My mother use to try to convince me that he brainwashed me into not liking her, but I'm thinking it was more the other way around.
I will continue to look at those things that seem ugly, and strive to see them objectively. I suspect there is something deeper that causes me to see things as ugly. Hmmm?
The wolves choose "the warmth of the southern wind for companion", this refers to woman of the south, does it not? What does this mean?
Is it safe to assume that the wolf relates closely to the dog in terms of meaning friendship, inclusiveness, intent, unconditional love, ruthlessness ?
Thank you, Théun.
The challenge you are facing is not all that difficult to grasp, but difficult to accept, especially if you see yourself as being God's gift to humanity and a hero waiting to happen. LOL! The long and the short of it is that you are pissed off at life and pissed off with everyone around you because YOU cannot have life on YOUR terms. SMT RATFL!
The cure for your malaise is eating a HUGE slice of HUMBLE PIE daily until the infliction caused by an overinflated sense of self-importance subsides. Do you think you can manage it without choking? <wg>
You know, many years ago a man came to see me. I took one look at him when we met and disliked him intensely. His whole vibration was one of gross arrogance and conceit.
Anyway, we sat down and I asked him in what way I could be be of service to him?
He replied that he wants to become a warrior.
So I asked him why he came to me?
He replied, "Because I want you to teach me."
I laughed, and replied that the teachings cannot be solicited, and in any case, I do have a say in whether I wish to teach him or not.
He became very angry at this and started to accuse me of being a fraud because I do not practice what I preach.
I asked him why he said this, and he replied, "Because you are separative! You refuse to teach me, and yet you tell other people not to be separative."
So I laughed again.
He asked why I was laughing, and I replied, "Because you have no brains in your head." I expected him to become very angry at this, but he managed to keep his cool.
Then I asked why I had said that.
I replied, "Well think for a moment. What would you do if a woman you do not like demands that you marry her?"
He replied that he would tell her to go to hell.
So I said, "Well then perhaps I had just not been clear enough. Go to hell, because I do not like you and I have no intention of teaching you!"
He looked at me dumbstruck! LOL! Then after a few moments he said, "But that is different! What has marriage got to do with teaching me to become an impeccable warrior? It is your DUTY to teach anyone who wishes to become a warrior!"
To which I replied, "My duty, my friend, is to FIRST ascertain what your MOTIVE is for wanting to become a warrior! So what IS your motive?"
His response was without hesitation. "I want power," he said.
I looked him squarely in the eyes and said that I only take on apprentices that wish to be of service to the One Life, for there is no other justification for having power at one's command. I went on to say that I teach unconditional love in action above everything else.
This time, judging from the look on his face, I thought he was going to sick up all over the carpet. He leaped up from his chair and all but shouted at me, "Théun, the mere THOUGHT of being of service makes me want to run, and this crap about unconditional love makes me want to throw up!"
With that he stormed out of the house! <g>
You also asked again about Wolves.
"The wolves choose "the warmth of the southern wind for companion", this refers to woman of the south, does it not ? What does this mean?"
No. This time the southern wind refers to the South, the place of warmth, of nurturing, of dreaming and of power. Why? Well it is obvious, no?
"Is it safe to assume that the wolf relates closely to the dog in terms of meaning - friendship, inclusiveness, intent, unconditional love, ruthlessness ?"
Yes. Most big dogs are the descendents of wolves.
With warm regards,