Théun, thank you for being yourself and being there for us.
I waited to write my first guidance request because I wanted to be "up-to-date" with the LV and the Communiqués and when I was ready, I realized I had to wait another week to complete the 1 month period before being able to ask for guidance. Several drafts later, here it is!
I know we have met at the last 2 retreats but I am not sure if this is sufficient for you to know me well enough to SEE me. So first I will write things about me, I feel I should let you know because I think they might be relevant. And then I will ask for guidance a few questions which are in continuation of the guidance's you've given me last time and one guidance request in relation to how I can contribute to your purpose.
The first thing about me I wish to share with you, hoping it will be useful, is about my life as a very young child. I was around 7 years of age when I came up with a "bubble" theory to explain life to myself. At that time the adults in my life could never offer satisfactory answers to my questions about life and what we (humans) were and our purpose and what life was. Basically, my Bubble theory was that within each soap bubble there was another soap bubble unaware it was in a soap bubble and this to infinity.
And when I asked them (the adults) where my thoughts came from, no one could answer and I sensed asking that question was not welcome. I set out to find out by myself. I remember going to bed and for several nights trying to catch the source of my thoughts (where the voices in my head came from). I don't know how to explain, how I did what I did, other than to say that every time a thought would show up in my awareness I would dive deeper in myself tracking the source of my thought. I needed speed to go "deeper". Eventually I was successful and found the source. It is hard to describe what happened. All I can say is that I felt I was at the "Source" of me, maybe even the source of life since I felt so "connected". I haven't had the discipline to repeat this since.
The second thing I would like to share is also around the age of 7. For a time, I put myself to sleep repeating non-stop that I would not dream for I was too afraid of my dreams. I had so many. I flew a lot which was awesome but I also had so many frightening dreams that I did not want to dream anymore. I started dreaming again around the age of 12 after reading books like "The power of your Subconscious mind" and putting myself to sleep repeating non-stop that I would remember my dreams!
The next thing I want to share is another event that happened around the age of 7. I was raised Catholic. At that age I already did not like Church, however I liked Jesus. He was my role model. I was reading a children's book about his life and upon finishing it I remember feeling something so, so, so deep inside of me that I can still feel it. It was like a promise was made within the very core of my being. What he had done, his life of helping people and loving ALL, was what I wanted to do in my life. I felt my life was going to be one of service like his had been.
When at the retreat I said: " So I don't know what my path with a heart is. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I want to contribute at the world level. But how? When I was younger, I thought that perhaps if I won a gold medal at the Olympics or something like that, it would give me some weight in society. Like, if I said something, then more people would listen. But it didn't happen like that." it was to this childhood self-promise I was referring to.
The next thing I feel important to share about my personal history is the story of the first time I realized I had the ability to "feel" people (I was about 13). I was in a commune room with several families and was accompanied by my mother. One man was acting in a way which was different from everyone else in attendance. My mother asked me to observe that man and she guided me to notice things going on in the room which I wasn't aware of before. Eventually I got to "feel" the things she was pointing out to me. It felt like, while the instants this interaction with my mom lasted, time had stopped. I learned a lot that day about myself since my behavior (and motivations for those behaviors) was often like that of the man I observed.
This ability to feel is so good that sometimes, when I listen very well, I can even "hear" what people think. I "feel" what the voices in their heads are saying. And one time when I was 16, not only I heard someone's thought, but I saw, witnessed them. I remember this event very clearly as it shook me. I was talking with this girl I liked and all of a sudden I found myself witnessing her father abusing her. It was like I had been "transported (Star Trek style)" in her house while her father was hitting her. It only lasted a few seconds for what I can tell. When "I came back", I had completely missed what she had been saying to me. I never really talked to her after that for I was too freaked!
Another thing that I feel is relevant, happened when I was 12. I was at the back of my mother's van lying down while she was driving us to a swim meet in a city 3 hours drive away.
By itself, I began recapitulating/remembering my life. What motivated me to start was my curiosity to see how much I could remember of my life and how far I could go back. I wasn't just remembering, for I was seeing my past objectively (very detached), I could even feel (like when watching a movie, one feels what the character is going through) what I had felt then, in the memories I was reliving.
Théun, I want to add much more of such events from my past which I feel are relevant, but I am not sure if this would be relevant for you! So I will go straight to the questions I have and after my questions, I will add some events of my past which I feel relevant.
In the spirit of being helpful, I have pasted my requests for guidance from Montserrat and your answers at the bottom in case you need to refer to it.
At the 2 retreats we met, I asked guidance about my relationship with my mother and with my wife amongst other things.
Well, just a month ago, I visited my mother in Vancouver with my wife!!! It was their first time meeting one another and the first time for my wife to travel to Canada. You surely can understand my anticipation of the event as it was approaching! I had backup plans ready in case things would not turn out well.
Your guidance for my relationship with my wife was to become "friends" and with my mother was to help her letting go of me.
I saw immediately through your stalking in regards to your guidance with my wife. Being friend with her would, could, lead me to reconsider all I know about our relationship and I might even stop thinking that we married for the wrong reasons! This was a possibility I was scared of (it was not really the guidance I wanted to hear!) Nonetheless, our relationship did not really become a true friendship and neither did we divorce. Looking back, I think one of the things which has kept us together (from my side of the equation) is that I feel I am where I need to be for the time being! This means, I feel more where I should be than out of place, if that makes sense at all!
I was dreading the trip to Canada because amongst other things, none of my previous relationships lasted more than a month after meeting my mother as a couple. However, 3 days in the trip, I realized that everything was very different than I had anticipated. My wife was on MY team! My sister, trying to build a relationship with my wife (it was their first time meeting), used her tested and proven technique of putting me down in front of my wife (past girlfriends) and asking for my wife's support. Well, to my surprise and to my sister's greater surprise, my wife did not jump in with her (like my ex's had done) and instead just got offended that my sister would talk trash like that about her brother and more over, her husband!
Anyway, this trip got my wife and I so much closer than ever before. We talked like we had never talked before. It was great! (it almost feels strange to admit!)
I am afraid now! How stupid it is, I know, but I'm afraid I might have married the right woman! Just like I knew would happen when I heard your guidance 2 years ago! However it is not a paralyzing fear. I have nothing to lose; so now that we are back to our "regular" life, we both are trying new things to continue the change in our relationship which we both enjoyed while in Vancouver.
I have not been able to get my mother to let go of me. Earlier this year, in the spring, I went to Vancouver and surprised her. When we met, for about 1 minutes she had no clue who I was. The memory of this short moment still feels strange, out of time. She did not recognize me as I looked different and she did not believe it could be me she was seeing (I was supposed to be in Seoul)! Anyway, I have come to realize and accept that if I want a relationship with her, I'll have to accept that she will never see me other than as her little boy. My heart got broken a few times during the 3 weeks I have spent with her this year.
It feels like the woman I remember growing up with, the one singing songs of hope and reciting Rudyard Kipling's poems to put me to sleep, is long gone and has been replaced with a woman fearful of everything and everyone, always right about everything and expressing shamelessly self-pity. Her behavior and her perception of herself are diametrically opposed. It's like she has build thick walls around herself to protect her from seeing what she really has become. And in that way, she gives me the feeling of being half dead.
The hardest is to acknowledge being power-less in helping her. All I can do (so far) is to detach while knowing I love her deeply.
So in regards to these two relationships here are my guidance requests:
I feel I am on the right track with my wife and that maybe our marriage was not all that for the wrong reasons. You talked about being careful in marrying inter-racially (my wife is South Korean) for it may call for "extra" challenges. Can you see if we are on the right track and tell me what or how these "extra" challenges may manifest themselves? (I know I have a lot of challenges with my relationship with my wife! But what I am interested to know is which of these challenges are related to the matter of race so that I can discern better between all my challenges!)
In regards to my relationship with my mother; I am almost able to see her objectively. By that I mean, I am almost able to stop wanting her to be like what I wish my mother to be like. This gives me some, enough, detachment to be able to spend time with her and have some (although shallow) relationship with her. Am I on the right track or simply supporting her in her Folly? (She is turning 60 in a few months)
My last guidance request, if it is not too much, is in regards to how I can contribute to your purpose and how it might relate with my path with a heart.
To start with, I think I should say what I think my strength are. I think my shortcoming is ABUSE, but it is also often my strength for when I chose to do something I can be fully dedicated to it.
Another strength is that I can feel things that in my experience other people do not tend to feel and I can understand what is going on, quicker than most people I know, do.
This in turn allows me to be very comfortable and good with people. I can speak to crowds. Lately I also discovered that my ability to listen is growing and this allows me to manage group discussions. Maybe like mediating. However, I have difficulties dealing with the responsibilities inherent with leadership.
In one way, I know I have leadership skills and natural abilities for that but the expression of my skills is always impeded by my doubts of being "right" for the job.
My formal training is in teaching swimming. I have been teaching English as a second language for 7 years now. I had a lot of success on Ebay as you may know already. I enjoy selling because it makes me feel like I am helping, being of service.
Since writing my first draft of this rather lengthy guidance request (my next ones will be much shorter) my desire to get involved with the laser business has grown daily. I know I can help for I want to! At the moment, I am educating myself on the topic of healing lasers, so that I am fully ready to move forward when we're all ready.
I feel my path with a heart has something to do with contributing to something at the world level. I like stories and during the last retreat I had a feeling that maybe I was meant to write books.
So, I wrote a book. I wrote the first draft. I think it is great but you are only the 3rd person to know I wrote a book! No one has ever read it other than me! I finished the first draft in early 2008!
I know, this is such because I don't feel competent enough. I would love to have someone read my first draft and tell me their thought, so that I can determine if it is worth it working on the second draft.
I know the ideas I proposed in the book would benefit everyone. Basically, I imagined what the world could be like in a few 100 years if the TOLTEC's heritage was the basis on which we would choose to build our society (I was surprised to see that in a lot of ways, what I wrote is really an extrapolation of what Arzhan is creating with our support and where it all could take us). My book tries to link the world of today to that future world I imagined.
I particularly think there is much potential in the political system I envisioned. If you think I should share about it, I would be glad to do so.
So my guidance request is about this book. I think, if it is as good as I want to believe, it may be useful in helping you in your purpose.
I've written 316 pages but I don't know what to do, what my next step should be. I had thought of contacting Charles with this, but I was not sure. I was afraid that what I wrote was not good enough so I assumed that Charles had better things to do than to check what I wrote and tell me if it is crap or not.
Is it wrong to want to spend the required energy to finish the book only if someone else can see its potential?
Before I stop I want to thank you again for everything you are for us.
Here are the other events I wanted to share with you:
I have experienced my share of "esoteric"(hocus pocus) experiences. However there are just a few which I feel might be of interest.
In my teens, with lots of time on my hands, I practiced relaxation a lot. This lead me to acquire the ability to leave my body practically at will but never as long and at the level of awareness I desired. During my practice of relaxation I remember "hearing" MY music, the music of my being. This music was the most beautiful I have ever heard and it captured all that I am.
Also, there is the time when I felt filled with so much love that every cells of my body dispersed in the universe and I felt in Nirvana. I had no Body, I was AT-ONE and IN-LOVE with everything. I have never felt thisâ€¦happy (IN-LOVE)(happy is not a good word to describe how this state of being felt). Maybe one day, I'll ask guidance in regard to what really happened then.
There is also the time where I met a man from AMORC (I had placed a link in case you had not heard of this group but it disappeared when pasting the text here) in my dream, before meeting him in real life. I did not get good "vibes" after meeting him in real life. He was too "dark" for my taste. He kept coming to my dreams for a few days after our real life meeting and taught me how to manipulate my dream awareness (going from 2D to 3D dreams amongst other things). Eventually he cornered me and gave me an ultimatum to join him and his group or his "teachings" would stop and that this was a 1 time offer. Being a rebel and feeling what I felt about him, I refused and never saw him in real or dream life since.
And now the last event I think may be of interest, happened when I was about 28 years old. I had stayed up late and had to wake up early to go to work. My alarm went off. I was listening to the music and sat in my bed. I looked at the clock and calculated how much time I had to stay sitting in bed before having to get out and shower. After a minute or two, my eyes re-opened! It is then that I realized that I had dreamed (completely in synch) that I had woken up, sat in bed and listened to the radio.
So for about 2 minutes, I thought I was awake while in fact I was sleeping. When my eyes (not my physical ones, because they were already opened) opened, again, I was sitting just like I was in my dream, the music and clock and everything were also perfectly in synch with my dream.
I have a lot of questions about this event but they are not priorities for now!
Participant: I want to talk about my marriage. Earlier on I may have given the wrong impression, so it's more to correct the issue.
I realise that I married for the wrong reasons. And my wife also married for the wrong reasons.
I love her, and I am grateful for what has happened so far in our marriage. I guess a lot of things have changed in me since that date. But it cannot go on, and I cannot see myself living like that. So I'm afraid, I'm afraid of facing the consequences of doing what I know I should do. And also maybe the guilt.
I have talked about this with my friends, but it doesn't feel like it's right, now. So the guilt is because before the wedding I knew, but I went along with it. I was already afraid to break the relationship then. And I used the teachings to rationalise or to make sense of it, or anyway I fooled myself by saying, "Well let's see how far it will take you." And I've seen it. And I've taken a detour, and I've seen quite a lot of things on that detour, but I know that it's not where I want to be, and I know that it's inevitable that it's going to end.
So I'm trying to find how to close the relationship. So I was hoping that maybe I could get out of it easily. But that wouldn't be doing justice to myself. So I know I will have to face that challenge.
And the reason why I didn't talk about this the first time is that I didn't want to go home and finish my wedding right then. I am going to have a mother-in-law who is very, very angry.
Théun: Is that really why you are fearful of the consequences?
Participant: I have dreams about my mother in law, and we don't even speak the same language.
And, you know, I know what I have to do. It's just that I don't have the courage to do it yet.
And the guilt is also because it is convenient. Being married to her allows me to live where I do. And that's the one thing I am having a lot of trouble with in terms of guilt. Because I don't know if I married her for that; to be allowed to be in that country. I don't think so. But if I discovered that it was so I'd feel really bad.
I know why she married me. She married me because I am a foreigner, also because I'm a cute foreigner! But mainly it's because she wanted to be married with a white person, and to have the social status that it gives her.
So I need to find my courage.
I am trying to build a strategy. So if I just go home now and say that it's over, then my feeling is that her life is over. She might think about committing suicide, and may not be able to handle it. But now I feel that she can handle it more than when we first got married. She is changing a lot too, with her personality, and her confidence.
So I am just trying to find a way to make things right.
Théun: If it is of any help to you, you are very clear on the fact that you did marry for the wrong reasons -- both of you did. And that, as you said earlier yourself, it is inevitable that the marriage will end.
But, what you also pointed out is that you do love her. I don't know if she loves you, but I don't think that that is important for what I want to share with you.
What I want to share with you is that one can be very good friends, and one can be together, and one can do wonderful things together -- one can move mountains together, just being friends. One doesn't have to be married to do that. In fact, what I often say to people is that of all the possible relationships that we can have, a friendship is perhaps the most challenging, because you don't have all the trappings of a marriage, which help to keep the relationship together. So, what I am guiding you towards is, is it not possible for you to turn the marriage into a friendship? And then get divorced? But keep the friendship. Must it be over?
I am not sure -- I am just asking -- because I don't know your circumstances.
Participant: With her mindset, I don't think it's possible.
She is expecting and wants to have children. But I don't want to have children with her. And I am being very careful that it's not going to happen. Because then it would be a lot more complicated. And to be frank, she is living a fairytale. And if it's over, at where she is now, she can't possibly consider remarrying, and actually she has practically no chance to ever find somebody else. Over there, there is no such thing as a divorced woman remarrying.
Théun: Okay. That is a bridge that can be crossed later, because presumably, at some stage, if it's meant to be, you don't have to continue living there, and you could even take her with you, if it's going to be about friendship.
If I can share with you, and it's a very strong feeling that I have, I feel that because you care enough about your wife, and you love her enough, I feel that it is possible to you to create out of what you have got now, a friendship which will in the end mean far more to her than the marriage you have now. Although she believes right now that the marriage is everything. But it will take hard work from your side to slowly, slowly help her to change her whole mindset about the marriage. But what I am saying is that if you care enough about her, you will be prepared to do it.
You have already said that you don't just want to go home now and end the marriage. You don't feel that that is the right thing to do. So set your intent on where you would like to take this. You know that the marriage must come to an end at some stage. That's fine. But you don't want to end it in destruction for both of you. So set your intent on making it happen, so that when you do eventually get divorced, it is because you both agree that that's the best thing to do, but you still want to be the best of friends.
For me, it's always a great sadness when people do decide to get divorced, and then they can't be friends any more. Because I think, "What happened? What happened about the whole journey that you had together? Even if the marriage didn't work, why must everything be over, just because two people cannot cope with the emotions, which is really what it boils down to."
So, you said that you must find your courage. You have already shown so much courage here. But I think that the real courage that you are going to have to invest in is to stay with this, and to see, little by little -- don't try and take big steps, take small steps at a time -- how you can change the marriage into a true friendship.
In other words, you can already start when you go back now, by, instead of treating your wife like a wife, treat her like your best friend. It's a stalking manoeuvre -- she will just think that you are very happy to see her again. But already you are beginning to lay the ground rules for a new relationship.
It's like what you said about the children as well. You can say to her, "You know, right now I am just enjoying my friendship with you. I don't want to have children invading our space right now, I still just want to enjoy your friendship. Can't we please do that?" I'm trying to give you examples of taking small steps, and yet they are very powerful steps. She won't know it, but you are busy stalking her into changing her perception of the relationship, even though you don't speak to her about the teachings.
Does that help?
Participant: Thank you.
Théun: Where is your wife at now? What happened? Because yesterday you said it had worked out well for your marriage.
Participant: Finally I got the courage to say, "It's not working. It's not because I like someone else, or anything like that, that has nothing to do with this. It's that I don't want us to be married any more." She then said that she was going to kill herself, and I didn't have to talk much -- she did a lot of the talking. And she got drunk and passed out, and the next day she went to the subway, and went all over the city, and I was worried that she might commit suicide. And I was calling her constantly to ask her to come back.
And later in the summer she was in-between jobs, and got about a month off, and we were together 24/7, and that was very intense. No talking, and just very cold. She wanted to do a trip, and have a holiday during this time. I wanted to go to a place we had never been to before, and I knew it would be good for us to go there together, so that we could become friends. I was still working on that.
But on the day we bought the tickets, it was a little thing, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was too much for me. I just cracked, and I said, "It's finished. There is no hope any more. That's it." And for two days she didn't know what to do, but she regained her composure. We ended up going, and it was a good trip. I opened up to her, and we talked a little bit about it, and we tried to be more friendly. When we came back it was better.
But even though she is more attractive to me now, as a person, I want more, she is not my dream girl. But I don't hate her, so it makes things difficult.
Théun: Yes, but you also don't love her.
Why did you marry her? Was it just convenience?
Participant: Before marrying her, I was quite a player, and I was actually pretty good. I would pick up girls, or rather they would pick me up. I was getting a little bit worried about that, because actually, it was easy. And I knew that it was not what I really wanted. It was her, I thought we could do it, yet my dream girl is like some of the couples here that talk together and work together, and so I compromised.
The day I decided, my friend was leaving, and we were at a bus stop, and I decided I was going to marry her. It was the way she was holding me, and I knew she loved me. And no woman had ever held me like that.
Maybe one of the reasons why it is taking me so long to divorce is because there are a lot of advantages for me now. And before she left on her trip, when we were discussing about the divorce, for her too there are a lot of advantages for us to be together at this time. If we were to divorce now, she would probably lose her job. And the way it was at the beginning of the trip when we talked together, she was saying, "You can go anywhere, and do anything you want, but you're still my husband. Just come back." Bargaining.
Does that answer your question?
Théun: Yes, more or less. But I am interested, because I am picking up something in you. What is making you so tearful about the relationship?
You said that she was the first woman who ever held you like that. What is it that you're looking for in a relationship? With a partner? Because you briefly mentioned compromise. And from what I understood, it wasn't a compromise with your wife, it was that you compromised,
Participant: My selection criteria?
Théun: Yes. So what is it that you are really looking for in a relationship?
And it might not be easy to answer, but try.
I mean, if we look at your pattern, you have gone from woman, to woman, to woman. So you know that you can pick up the women, or as you say, the women are actually very good at picking you up. Typical playboy. You don't do the hunting, the women do the hunting! But okay.
But you know, you have done all that, and it hasn't made you happy. So what is it that you are really looking for? And it's not so much the sex, the sex you have plenty of.
Participant: And that's changed too. It's not the way it used to be.
I want to be able to talk like I'm talking here.
Théun: Is it just talking?
Isn't it also true love that you are looking for? When you said that she held you like no other woman has ever held you before?
Have you ever really loved anybody? Really, really loved them?
Participant: My dog.
Théun: I can understand that! Dogs are very loving. Humans are somewhat more difficult to love!
Participant: I haven't loved anybody that I would die for them. If that's a criterion.
Théun: And I feel that's what you started to discover, ever since you came to the first retreat. That actually, what you have always been looking for, is that true openness of heart, which will allow you to be a vulnerable person, so that you too can experience love. True love.
But you have so closed yourself off to the world around you, so you can't possibly be hurt, that for you it doesn't matter who comes and who goes. Although deep down inside, you long for that openness, and that closeness which comes with, let's just call it, real love. So you feel that this is someone you just want to spend the rest of your life with, come hell or high water; this is the person that makes your heart sing, that makes you feel inspired, that makes you want to do things, and become bigger and better.
But you have never allowed yourself to go there. And I am not trying to make an issue out of it, but it has been easier to go from one woman to the next, because it's a way of escapism. So yes, there is always someone around to make you feel that you're not alone, and that you are wanted -- maybe not loved, but at least wanted, and, somewhat appreciated. But it doesn't make one feel good, because, especially as a male, you just end up feeling like a dildo. And there's no real sense of joy in that.
But what I'm trying to guide you towards is to see -- and this is what struck you so much at the first retreat that you came to, was the openness and the warmth in this group. And that is what you were attracted to. And that is what you are really looking for.
To be truthful, that is what everyone is looking for. And that is why you became so tearful just now when you were talking about your present relationship. You came close to opening yourself in that relationship, but something held you back. And maybe she is not the right woman, so I am not saying, "You must with her." But that's why I said to you at the last retreat, "If you are going to part ways, at least do it as friends." Because you have had a journey together, and you have both learned a lot as a result of it.
But what you now need to do, and I can see that you are already there. Right now you are feeling it, it's that true openness of heart which you are striving to achieve, and to have that someone really special in your life. But, you are going to have to be willing to be vulnerable. And that's exactly why most people come close, and then they turn away.
It's that fear of being hurt; "If I really open myself up to this relationship, and if I get rejected in any way, I know that I am going to be very deeply hurt." But what I have always, always, taught to people, is that we have two choices in life. We either remain closed, and very safe, because nobody can ever hurt us, but then our lives are always half empty. As Kahlil Gibran says, "We laugh, but not all of our laughter, and we cry, but not all of our tears," it's always half empty. It's never really fulfilling.
The other choice is that we open ourselves, and we take the risk, because now we are vulnerable. And when you are vulnerable, you can be very easily hurt. And sometimes we get hurt very badly, but hey, sometimes we also win. But then, when you get hurt, you cry all your tears, and when you win, you laugh all your laughter, and your life is full, and it's rich.
That's a choice each of us must take. We either risk our everything, or we play it safe. And you have always hoped that you could play it safe. But you are not alone in that. As I say, most of humanity do that.
Participant: Thank you.
Théun: Does that help?
Just don't start justifying again!
My friend, you have shared a great deal, and this is good, for it always helps to pour out our hearts.
I am, however, only going to say a very little to you, for this is all the guidance you need. I will then pass you over to D, and let D comment on everything else you have shared, for it too will help you to understand yourself a little better.
You already knew what you were looking for when you came to find me at Montserrat. You KNEW, but you were too AFRAID to acknowledge it to yourself. On your first night with us, when you sat opposite me in the smoking room, you were staring at me for hours, even though I never showed you that I was aware of you staring. I did not acknowledge you because I knew what you were staring at. It was not me as such, that you were staring at, but at what I represent. You could not stop looking at me, for you saw in me what you want for yourself. :) And what was it that you saw? You saw my my openness and my vulnerability. This is what you want for yourself, but you also fear it. Even now in your marriage, you fear being vulnerable.
Why do you fear being vulnerable? This too you already know. You have MANY experiences within this lifetime to show you what I mean. You share many of them in this email. You know that once you are truly open to life, you will lose what you have always held onto so fiercely as being you. :) But in this, my friend, as I told you once before, we all have a choice. We either let go and allow our fates to unfold in whatever way we wrote the script before incarnation, or we hold onto the belief that we are the little self that has to CONTROL the outcome of our life upon earth. If we let go we get tossed and tumbled every which way by the current of life, and sometimes we get hurt very badly in the process, until we finally learn how to surf the waves impeccably. But when we hold on, we get FORCED into every step we take, and when we resist that force, our Dreamers have no option other than to turn up the volume. The result is a miserable life - a "safe" life - but a miserable life nonetheless. What you saw when you were staring at me at your first retreat, is a man that has learned to let go, and that surfs the waves in whichever way they come without trying to control anything, but instead TRUSTING the process of life. This is what you want also for yourself.
So you say you think your shortcoming is Abuse, but I have seen enough in you to know that it is Control, or more precisely, Obsession with the desire to control. Your greatest fear in life is losing control of what you THINK you are, and of what you THINK is your life. This is why I told you to stop justifying your actions.
You have married your wife for whatever reason. Now nothing else matters anymore, for a male's commitment is for life. Sure, there is nothing stopping you from leaving your wife, but should you do so you will always know that you ran away from your commitment. And worse still, you will be left with the terrible regret of, "What if I had really tried to be open and vulnerable in my marriage?" What if, is a truly miserable way in which to spend the rest of one's life. So what have you got to lose? What do you stand to gain? You will never know unless you try! :)
If it is of any help to you, my friend, then allow me to share a little of my own life with you.
Within this lifetime I have a script that brings me to face the impossible again and again. Every time a new impossibility has arisen within my life I have been terrified out of my mind, and yet my courage has never truly left me. Again and again I took the plunge by immersing myself in challenges that others saw as being madness. MANY times have I been hurt very badly, and many of my scars run deeply and some have never healed. But I found a great richness within life that I could never have experienced without taking the risks. For this I am eternally grateful and it matters not to me what people think of me as a result of some of my endeavours. It is enough for me that I know that I did not choose the "safe" route, and that I gave every impossible challenge I have ever faced my ultimate and impeccable best. The fact that I so often lost the battle, and that I got scarred very deeply, has never mattered to me. All that has mattered to me is that I have found a great many richnesses within life that I can today share with others that have not had my courage. And this knowledge I share willingly and with all the love I have. Is this not too what you would like to ALLOW yourself to DO? Is this not the Path With a Heart that you are looking for? :)
You hold it now, my friend, within your HANDS. All you need to DO is to let go, and to start trusting the process of life. If then the punches come, take them standing up, and you will not die with regrets. :)
Send your book to Charles. Charles is very busy editing the book of numerology right now, and also seeing to the printing, typesetting and so on, so you will have to be patient to get a reply, but Charles will gladly read your book when he has time, and give you feedback. Once again, what have you got to lose? What do you stand to gain? You will never know unless you try. :)
I would be grateful if you could help us sell the lasers, not only in Korea, but also on Ebay. We have been speaking about opening an Ebay store for the lasers. So any ideas or advice you have will be most welcome. :)
With all my warmth and my love,
(BH) [big hug]
It is great to hear from you again my friend. I have fond memories of getting to know you at the last retreat. :)
I feel that you have reached a lot of clarity with where your relationship with your mother is at and what her state of being is. What is still bothering you about it and also making you feel drained or "half dead" is your fear of making yourself vulnerable. In other words you are afraid that if you express yourself to your mother honestly, then she will blame you for hurting her. Further, you fear that if you stand firm in your conviction, then the relationship will end.
You should realize that we are not meant to "work on" our parents. We already have a huge impact on their lives just from being who we are. The greatest service you can be to your mother is to be true to your Self and to stand firm in your own knowledge. This is essentially what it means to grow up and to stop being a little boy. Do you grasp what I mean here? A grown man who allows himself to be treated as a little boy is just as strange to see as a man who acts like a little boy. What is the difference really?
I cannot help you too much with your phenomenal experiences and I will tell you why. :) Experiences of altered states of perception are only useful or practical in terms of guiding you towards a deeper and richer KNOWLEDGE of firstly your Self and then of life around you. When they are genuine and not fabrications of the mind, then they are typically very personal and are meant to guide you towards EVENTUALLY learning something. I cannot tell you what it is you are supposed to learn from your description of the experiences. As a seer I can at best CONFIRM what you have learned for yourself IF I also have seen that knowledge myself. All I can tell you for now is that you should continue to work and explore the pure FEELINGS and treat the sensations and the visions etc as SUSPECT. I will also recommend an article I wrote on approaching altered states of perception that you can find under: "Perception, stalking, ARTICLE ON"
I hope this helps!
With much warmth,