Théun, my grandfather died this morning. I was his favorite guy in the world, as he told me repeatedly, he felt closer to me than his own son.
Before he died I thought of him as a manipulative self-centered control freak. I was seeing more and more how he manipulated. I hadn't seen him for nearly a month before today thinking that he can call me if he wants to see me rather than expecting me to always be the one to visit him. I don't think that view was entirely wrong but now I also remember how much he did for me. He gave me so so much. He spent a lot of time with me, especially when I was little. He always said he loved me and that he only wanted what was best for me. He was always there if I was going through a difficult time in my life. I miss him very much. I have been crying a lot today and I'm having trouble holding back tears when I'm not. I've never experienced the death of a loved family member before, well, a human family member.
My grandmother and I have a special connection. It is something that the rest of my family doesn't see and wouldn't understand. She always knows exactly how I'm feeling and I always know what she's saying when she speaks even when it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Once I was feeling very nervous and agitated at the Thanksgiving table over a possibly huge life decision but I hid my feelings. My grandmother was agitated, it looked like she had trouble breathing. She asked my grandfather to take her into the other room. I heard her ask him from down the hall, "is Steve, ok?" My grandfather said that I was fine and came back to tell us how she likes to do this for attention.
Today I was upstairs at my parents house in the kitchen. I could hear my family downstairs but they couldn't hear me. I started crying for the first time, very quietly, I heard my grandmother say immediately from downstairs, "where's Steve?" My grandmother is hard of hearing. When I heard her I went downstairs to see her. I approached her from behind and before she saw me, I was about two feet away, she asked, "playing games?" I cried my eyes out at her feet. I asked her if she always knows how I'm feeling even when no one else does, she said "yes" and held her hand out for me. I cried some more.
I'm planning on moving across the country and away from my family in a couple of weeks. I have some trouble leaving my parents and brother but it is going to be very hard to leave my grandmother. A part of me wants to stay and take care of her.
I know that I'm lost in romance Théun and I'm going to work on that but this can't ALL be romantic shit, can it? I really don't know what to do now. I don't want to watch TV or read or talk or do anything. It feels better to type it out. Thanks for listening.
Perhaps for the first time in your life you are TOUCHING reality, rather than all the shit you carry around in your head. So now is the time to EMBRACE everything that is going on in your life.
Why are you moving away from where you are now? I cannot give you guidance if I do not know the facts.
If I were you, I would sit down with your grandmother and share with her where you are at. I would also ask her to tell you how she sees you and your life, and what advice she can offer you. And then be prepared to hear the truth. :)
With all my warmth and support,