D, I must say I am floored. Your "seeing" of my sexuual identity issue is dead on. I wondered what the capabilitites of a seer were and feel you just showed me an aspect of that. So I must be real now so that I can intelligently communicate with you and gain clarity to conquer my challenges. This is an aspect of a challenge that I feel I have been dealing with my whole life. That challenge I see to be a poor self-image and a feeling of not measuring up as a man. Inherent within this challenge is a lack of confidence, a lack or self-respect, insecurities, sexually perverted thoughts.
When I was younger I worried endlessly about one bad incident in 5th grade which made me worry about how others saw me. I always worried about how people saw me. I always tried to be the tough guy , the mans man. I would go out for aggressive sports not because I liked them, but because I wanted to say I did them. But I always ended up quitting. All that quitting and not measuring up to what I thought a man should be somehow turned into anxiety as a young 20 year old adult.
One day I had a panic attack and began to worry what if I had another. Back then I was confident with women but somehow this anxiety crept into that and a sort of self-fullfilling prophecy occurred where I would get so worried about not getting it up, that I wouldn’t. Need less to say this was a dark period but also the turning point. I began to try to figure out what was happening to me about 5 years ago and began to read about the power of the mind.
I set about trying to focus on confidence with a sort of grim determination that never got me anyway because i would fall back into old habits such as drinking and drugs and escapisms and then just feel like crap. Needless to say trying to use my rational mind to solve my challenges never changed my mind set. What I know now is that I am a heterosexual man, a good man, strong and confident, and worth something more than the shit I’ve dealt myself. The only thing holding me back is my old mindset. A mind set that I must destroy.
This is my strategy now and where I need clarity. I am never going to beat this mindset by resisting it, I must detach from my mind and my emotions, I must pick up my warriors shield and be wide awake and impeccable in the moment every moment. And when I am challenged I will strive to shut off that old internal dialogue which I am having success with and become the watcher and watch how my thoughts and emotions set off a chain of events that cloud my judgement.
To me my challenge now is against my rational mind and its old mind set. Overcoming the rational mind and being wide awake and impeccable in the moment is where my gifts of power lie. I know im strong, I feel good about myself again and can discipline myself to conquer this mind set. Is my focus in the moment, being wide awake, detached and feeling with every fibre of my being the correct way to conquer this challenge? I feel it is. Needless to say after worrying my whole life and now the last year or so seeing what I’m capable of and feeling the hope and inspiration makes me understand that indeed my old life must die, and I’m ready for that.
It doesn’t take a seer’s ability to see that a male claiming a FEMALE predilection is at least CONFUSED about his sexual identity. LOL Really though, what I was trying to point out to you is that you need to wake up. You spend so much time in this dream world of yours that you cannot see what’s right in front of your eyes, literally and figuratively. Sobriety starts with ANCHORING ones perception in PROVEN facts. Even if the only fact you have available is that you don’t know what’s going on! LOL
“Is my focus in the moment, being wide awake, detached and feeling with every fibre of my being the correct way to conquer this challenge?”
Yes, this is an excellent place to start, but you also need to look at what you consider a male to be. You will never measure up to your IDEA of what a male is, because it isn’t REAL. A true male is a SENSITIVE being, not a macho clod that can shag like a race horse and talk shit without flinching. Please take note that I have chosen my words care-fully here.
With warm regards,
I spent a long time correcting your email which you decided to write in one BLOCK instead of using paragraphs. And you spelled “I” in lower case in several instances. This speaks volumes, no?
So I am not convinced about everything you claim you have now conquered. I see a man with very little self-respect, but who is trying to convince others by talking up a storm.
With warm regards,