Dear Théun and D :-) ;
I want to share an aspect of my experience with trying to get the course going here in Vancouver.
I had to push myself well out of my comfort zone while trying to get the course off the ground and that brought an awareness that I had not noticed before. I was not able to sustain it though and gave up before the deadline, sinking back into my daily life. I did see, but lost hold of the vision that if I just kept going then who knows what would happen, as my lovely friend has shown :-). I sat down for a moment to rest and it was all swept away. This brought me back to a military course in which I was in the running for top of the class, and one day we were building a bridge where I was working hard lifting very heavy panels. I WANTED to change to a lighter job temporarily and I did, but in so doing it swept away the momentum I had at the time and consequently I did not get top candidate on the course.
In stepping up to put the course on it was as if I stepped up out of the inertia of my "regular daily life" and into a fuller current of life. Yet I could feel a pull back towards my "regular daily life" much of the time. For instance when I saw people involved in the doings of their lives when I would be on my way home from work, I would feel a tug towards their lifestyles but at the same time I saw their lifestyles as shields or substitutes for being in a more full current of life.
I balked at two steps. I say balked because I was doing my best to do what seemed to be indicated to me as my next step. But when these two steps came up I did not keep going with them in the same way and it was if the momentum began to subside, and I was losing my place in the current. It seems that my mind got in and judged these steps so as to say they were not appropriate, they would not work, or I had to deliberate upon them a while longer before deciding. I identified with these thoughts.
Often I am terrified and I drain myself through obsessing about the next step to be taken. I am like an old woman constantly nagging myself endlessly about some detail, LOL. Yet I seem to somehow get through the obsessing, for once I act, the obsessing subsides... until the next step, LOL. The obsessing seems to be a tool I use to try to stay ahead of the fear of failing or being seen as a failure. Amidst all of the fear though, I feel more alive than when I am well rested and comfortable. It is like there is a totally different way to live and it's anything but easy, but it is exciting. It's as if one needs sufficient personal power to live in that place. It seems like it takes an act of survival to live there. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to live as an act of survival! I was closer than I believe I have ever been and when I succumbed to inertia, WHOOSH, the current kept going. Succumb to inertia when it is survival, and WHOOSH, die!
But then the course not running here was a death of sorts and certainly had real impacts on myself and others. Maybe that was a baby step for living an act of survival. It seems true that to truly live IS an act of survival. Without it being an act of survival the little self could call the shots and it is never going to want to be in the full current of life, LOL. The stakes would be too high for the little self to be in charge, when to slack at any moment could mean WHAM life is over.
At times my mind would tell me that I needed to retreat to the safety of a smaller life situation so that I can be on top of it all. This fuller current is more than my personal power can take. At other times it would flat out say that it was all going to fail. But then the other part that was feeling alive in the current would rally and I would feel renewed and want to go on and even feel invigorated and uplifted. Also I noticed that whenever I had a new insight my mind would want to sit and rest and ponder it all. This sitting and pondering was like my mind being satisfied that I had done enough and therefore I could rest, even if just for a moment, and congratulate myself for it all somehow,
LOL. And better yet, it could not wait to tell everyone about it , like right now, LOL. This seems to be one of my sneaky ways to trick myself into succumbing to inertia.
This all seems to have to do with purpose. I saw these people involved in doings, that I mentioned earlier, and what they were mirroring back to me was that without purpose I will merely fill up my life with things so as to try to supplant the feeling. It is weird though how this feeling, if it is purpose, is so scary and at the same time so uplifting. When I feel this sense of purpose I am usually also feeling my body and I feel a type of fear coursing through it. That fear is not always as debilitating as it used to be, as I don't crap out as often or as messily as I have in the past :-). It is like my whole life has been set up to expose me to fear after fear. As I learn to weather these storms I am able to stand more in my purpose without getting blown off course. And then bigger storms blow as one claims more power.
Finding this sense of purpose is not new to me, though finding it and noticing it is. When I got onto the Legacy I was feeling very inspired and then the incident which I was involved in with Z happened and I fell down and lost my sense of purpose. This has happened in the past when I uncovered something new for me. I would feel inspired and then something would happen and I would fall or sit and rest and the inspiration would be gone. It is like without purpose I am simply wandering aimlessly and feel dejected. It seems that a sense of purpose swings things into alignment.
All throughout this it felt like I was going to my death. Sometimes I would walk humbled by the beauty and the honour of it and other times I'd be in terror looking for a way to escape.
I have always thought that I ought to believe in myself, but now with this feeling it seems that I haven't actually known how to do that, LOL. With this sense of purpose, the SELF seems to be an intangible-ness that I feel and it seems to be as much, or more of who I am than this little personality. So, to believe in MYSELF is to believe in this intangible-ness that I feel and allow it to guide me?
Am I just generating intensity here with my rational mind and fooling myself, or is this the beginning of feeling or sensing my purpose? Any guidance you would be willing to share is greatly appreciated. I believe I am learning about myself, or at least my behaviors. But, then I look at it all and it seems like it is some fantasy and I ask myself if all of this is really happening. At one moment it is more true than any aspect of my old life, and then the next it is as if I dreamed it all up.
P.S. Regarding the lasers, when you said IE certification is that the same as IEC or European certification?
“So, to believe in MYSELF is to believe in this intangible-ness that I feel and allow it to guide me?”
Absolutely. :) Belief in ones Self really only begins once one starts consciously following the guiding forces in one’s life. This belief is a CONFIDENCE gained through experience that firstly, you know HOW to be AWARE of these forces and secondly, that you are capable of flowing with them. It is by flowing with these forces through listening to one’s FEELINGS that your sense of purpose is cultivated. When you follow your feelings the mind interprets this as a blind RISK, because it cannot see the outcome beforehand. Hence the fear. By experiencing the uplifting RESULTS of following your feelings you develop a REAL sense that there are forces guiding your life greater than your ability to grasp with the mind. It is this SENSE, which can be called the sense of purpose.
You can learn to allow these forces to guide you by ACTING impeccably and then ADJUSTING your direction based on how power supports your actions. You make the appropriate adjustments by using your feelings to grasp the message from power.
With Warm Regards,
What you lack most in your life, my friend, is STRENGTH. You are a very sociable and likable man, but unfortunately you have used this to hide your lack of strength, even from yourself, for far too long. Because you are so open, friendly and loveable, people are always willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and as a result you get away with murder. But it is time to grow up, my friend. You are hardly a cute little boy any longer, and I, for one, are no longer going to accept your excuses. I am taking off the gloves with you!
So it is time to take stock, and then to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Do you want to be a male, or a mouse? I have very little respect for men who waft around like airy-fairy wimps waving their hats in the air. It is fine to wave your hat in the air once you have taken ACTION and have something to show for it. But all this hailing and regaling of your fellow men that leads nowhere is a very sad laugh! And I am NOT talking about the courses in Canada, for this is a story which is not dependent upon you alone. But instead I am talking about the kind of lead you are providing, and most especially in your marriage.
But then, when you got married I did tell you that only now do your challenges really start! Are you actually up to having a wife, or do you need a mother instead?
With warm regards,