Théun and D, I think of you often and my experience in the living room that Saturday night. There is so much that I do not see yet but I am working very hard at not falling too far behind. The discoveries that I am coming to are not pretty and sometimes I wish that I never went to Slovakia or even cracked open your books. This is all impossible to undo and so the only choice I have is to "feel my way in the dark" and use every bit of my power to focus my intent on keeping my attention on life enhancing activities rather than life destructive ones.
I have come to witness many failures in my attempt to live like a Warrior. I struggle with each one on my way to a standing position ready to fight again. Though the depth of despair feels as deep as it ever has, thanks to the Warrior's Shield and other Toltec Teachings, the down time is greatly reduced to sometimes hours and at most one or two days.
D, you were right in pointing out that my relationship with my wife was in trouble as we are now into new and unknown territory where the past "Mother-Son" relationship is being constantly and ruthlessly challenged, leaving only unexplored grounds in which to build anew. I have been finding the Male book invaluable as a guide towards becoming a true male. Much of my struggle is with my own defenses and justifications, just like Saturday night. From my studies in the Male book I am learning that action is required and not just any old action as my battles are a life and death situation. I come up against a resistance when it is time to act and I notice thoughts of self doubt/lack of confidence surface.
This is where I discovered the dark jewel Fear. In trying to find my shortcomings, studying the Active and Passive shortcomings and behaviors of Fear has given me some clarity. I can see the defensive stance I take when challenged by the outside and how instead of encouraging new information through intelligent co-operation, I feel like I need to defend myself or actually defend my conditioning, my view of the world, and that this is the part that needs no defense and actually needs to become fluid. I am working with the Warrior's Shield here by being aware of emotions and thoughts both inside and outside while engaging in conversation. Using fear to keep me aware and by having respect for all life (including myself) I am learning to act with assurance in that I wish to uphold and enhance the interrelationship of all life.
The area of interest to me right now is with the Passive Shortcoming of Fear, Escapism. When you pointed this out to me on my visit, I didn't quite get it. And I feel that I am just coming to the place where it is possible to actually see something about this. Going through the behavior list was key, which is:
Insecurity, avoidance, playing the nothing game, morbidity, indecisiveness, dishonesty, instability, timidity, lack of self belief.
Last night I was feeling all of these come up in me in relation to a conversation with my wife about our living situation. When I realized that the battle was in me, I retreated to my room and began to turn around and go in. I felt under attack and truly feared for my life. I was able to focus on entertaining only life enhancing thoughts and deep breathing until I woke up from a dream.
The opening scene was an auto shop in a large building (view of the world/point of view) where I was on a guided tour of the latest project. This was an old 1951 Ford sedan (state of awareness/level of perception) that was being upgraded as a means of transport in present times.
After more rest and breathing, I woke and began writing in my journal searching for what triggered me on Sunday. I found the trigger concealed neatly in my method of blaming others for the decisions I make. I began to own those decisions by realizing that no one could make me do something that I do not want to do.
As soon as I allowed ownership of my decisions, I could see that now I could go back and review what happened and why. If I allowed emotion to force a premature decision then I could use the experience on future decisions and be aware of emotion driven decisions. If, in my case, I allowed the information coming from the female in my life to dictate my decision, then it was still My decision. Looking back I could use this experience to remind me to initiate an inquiry through intelligent co-operation so that I could get more information Before making a decision.
All of this seems to tie into a lack of belief in myself and lack of confidence in taking action. By avoiding ownership of my decisions I have also avoided the lessons that could be learned from these decisions. So it is no wonder that I lack confidence or belief in myself if I do not allow myself to learn the lessons that come from owning the decisions that I make instead of blaming others.
I am asking for guidance here as I see the lack of confidence and belief in myself as needing correct and urgent action. Am I on the right path?
Thank you and loving regards.
I cannot help you, friend! You’ve gotten yourself into this mess and you are the only one who can see yourself through it. You are a spoilt rotten petty brat in the body of a grown man. So now that all your old shit is no longer having the same effect on your wife you are pissing and moaning to us to fix it for you. Get lost! UPGRADING an OLD car you say? LMAO
YOU aren't going to find the clarity you are looking for in a book. This is what I was trying to SHOW you on THAT Saturday, but all I received from you in return was the finger as you backed your arse out the door as quickly as possible. Speaking for myself, you can take your “loving regards” and your “metaphorical” finger and stick them where the sun doesn’t shine!
All I will ask is where is your wife in this equation? Understand? Where the hell is your wife dick-head? She isn’t in a book!
With Sword Drawn,