Elizabeth, thank you very much for your response! Yes, I am a spoilt brat indeed. I always had what I wanted. I knew how to blackmail my parents and have it always on my terms. That's why I say that I know my mother has given me everything to bring me up and make "a good person" of me. But the realisation that she's been doing all that giving with the wrong motive was overwhelming. I guess it was for a second time during the last month when I found myself at the Point of No Pity. And I also felt a lot of anger in myself. Anger on which if I wasn't in the airplane at that moment I would've acted and I'm not sure what the result would've been. I wanted to call my brother at that moment and to tell him to pack his two cents and fire off from my mother. To wake up and grow up and to stop living as a small boy at his 40 years of age. But I wasn't angry on my mother. Not at all. But then, looking back now, I think I did succumb to self pity and emotions overwhelmed me. Anyway, the cry was so purifying that I don't regret the experience.
During the next days I think I got more clarity and I saw my deal in the whole story. You ask me if I have ever bothered to find out why my mother has not been able to give me freely her motherly love. The answer is NO. I haven't. In truth, the only time when I have cried on my mother's shoulder was when my girlfriend left me. LOL! Isn't that funny, that that's exactly what I told you about her?! LOL! Since my father died I have never asked my mother how does she feels! I have always thought that she's strong and that she's coping well and that if she needs she'll talk to me. It's been 8 years now since my father died! So what son I am if I couldn't openly asked my mother what is going inside her?! When she's visiting us and stays with us a month I take her presence as a sure thing. She's my mother, she's always been around for me, so what that she has come now. So we actually rarely speak together. Our interaction remains very superficial. And I know my mother wouldn't come to speak to me first, because she thinks I have my own problems and that she'll bother me with stuff that I'm not interested in. We both live in our assumptions and years are passing by silence, in superficial and flying relation. And if my mother has been having a reason to act her behaviour when she's been young, when if not now I have my opportunity to discover her true self. And I feel she will be happy to open up and that I have inherited much of my interest in Life from her and that inside we're very much alike. I only have to take my fleeting moment of chance to discover my mother.
"Isn't it time to give up being a victim of your parents and rather look, and take responsibility, for why you CHOSE them very care-fully? Just as your sons have chosen you as their father?"
Yes, it is time! And in truth I must say that I was so happy to have two of the most wonderful parents in the world! So if I have to look at why I have chosen them I think first of all it is because even they were not a couple of Toltec warriors they had the natural ability to live as a true male and female. My father was giving a strong lead, not only to my mother but also to the whole family. And my mother was the perfect female carrying about the cave and the fireplace as good as she could! They taught me deep respect for the family by their own example! They both also taught me to respect and take care of my body. To maintain healthy modesty in eating and drinking, keep a healthy life style. They implanted in me love for sports, interest for natural remedies and the supernatural, self discipline and good manners. I can keep going in that list and I can't but say that for good or bad, where I am today is thanks to my parents care about me! Thank you for pointing that to me Elizabeth!
"As YOU step more and more into your role as the MALE in your relationship and stop treating your wife like your mother, she will feel SAFE to be female and this will happen without any thought, logic or rational analysis paralysis and waffling! You really are a good mirror for her aren't you? Change your own behaviour and then you will see the changes in others! But if you keep on reflecting cabbages to them, don't expect roses when you look at that loving face of yours in the mirror every morning!! LOL! <ebwg>"
Let me answer with my journal entry from today:
It's been an active period of transition during the last couple of weeks. I think that the opening that I initiated with my wife, have resulted in a range of events that are creating the necessary space for the new to enter and helping to let the old go. I begin to understand that it's been really me, the male, who's been expected to provide the lead and that the female, which is not only my wife, but also children and the world around are naturally taking that lead. I'm also starting to understand and believe, that I've been desperately trying to change the outside, the external, the reflection in the mirror and that it took me time to open up to the idea that the only thing I really need to do, is to focus on the internal, on the self and to work on changing MY-SELF, which is ultimately the meaning of the claim that there could be no other commitment than the commitment to the SELF. And how much easier, enjoyable and less frustrating is to stop trying to change the mirrors!
Your advice to my wife: "Join Toltec Legacy as soon as possible - or is this only YOUR cabbage patch! LOL!"
I feel she's slowly opening up to the teachings and that she only needs the space to find her way through. I am not willing to control her change anymore and instead of fighting to transform the mirror I am COMMITTING to lead by example.
Thank you for your care Elizabeth.
With all my love and a Big Hug,
"Thank you for your care Elizabeth"
It is MY pleasure to be of service :-)
I look forward to meeting your wife (who shall remain name-less LOL!) , and ALL the other "missing" wives, fiancés and girlfriends, on Toltec Legacy! THAT will be a FINE example of leading by example in-deed! <ebwg>
With all my love,