Nagal, this is a very long message (6.5 pages). It is not my intention to take advantage of you; only to give a full account of my experiences.
Question: "I would still, with your permission, like to publish in the archive the knowledge we have uncovered for the benefit of others that may come after you. Is this okay with you?"
Question: "I have a sexual urge every time I experience what I perceive as cruelty, unfairness, lack of communication, lack of sensitivity, when my views are not considered, when something is imposed upon me."
"This is typical of psychopathy. Can you please give me some examples for us to work with."
Answer: A typical example is the interaction I had with V. I was in the beginning of my career, and for that reason I was insecure in keeping this job. I perceived that he was taking advantage of my qualifications (that were much higher than the requirements for the post) by making me work overtime and do out of office work. In my country, regardless of qualifications, it is difficult to get my type of work unless one has networking skills or/and acquaintances in the closed circles. I wanted to provide top quality work, but my value was measured according to the support I was providing in keeping him in his high political post of Directorship.
The clash between us was gradually building up. I was increasingly uncomfortable in playing the political game but I compromised. My frustration reached a peak when I was asked to "do favours" to certain people that I found out later were of the same political party and were supporting V. in his political career. I had built a reputation amongst the people I worked with as being strict and fair, but this image was fading day by day as I was required to drop the quality of my work and become overtly unfair. V's response was "Don't be such a drama queen, everybody is doing favours." Everytime I was expressing my concerns and trying to involve him in conversation he would divert the subject of our discussion and adopt a "this is the way things are" approach. My feelings were anger and frustration. He would play on my fear of wanting to keep this job and of my low self esteem. To my view at the time, it was a perfect prostitution: he would protect me from the wild world of "unemployment" out there and I would keep him in his post. After two and a half years I had lost any sense of self respect.
I would leave his office with a besetting urge to ejaculate and go to the porno cinema to masturbate myself or allow someone else to masturbate me, and sometimes to the brothels. I would also have sexual fantasies with the females I was working with, and once or twice I masturbated in the toilets. Waves of tickling energy would roll down from my solar plexus to my sexual organs and up to my throat. My heart beats fast and my head buzzes and gets heated.
It was also around that time, which coincided with my efforts to apply the teachings, when I developed a sexual attraction and curiosity for transvestites. My fascination with the concept of "divine hermaphrodite" and with triplicity frequently appearing in my dreams made me curious in exploring how this is manifested in normal awareness. The following dream is characteristic of this obsession:
I am staring in a black void, something that I can only verbalise as the book of the Universe. I pose an un-verbalised question and an incomprehensible sentence of 3 double words appears in front of my eyes: The Voice translates: female-mantis (the Greek word mantis can be translated as augur), male mantis, and in the following line: hiero-phantis (=hierophant in English - "hiero" is holy in English). The only logical interpretation I can give is that I give a holy dimension to my homosexuality in order to justify it to my self.
To round up this example, I shall say that a few hours before writing these lines I phoned V. to arrange a meeting in the spirit of facing my fear and engaging in intelligent cooperation with him. Facing my fear is something I want to take on board fully in my life. I would appreciate any comments you might have on whether I should do this or not.
The second example involves my interaction with the ultimate male authority in my life: You Théun! I already have a taste of your ruthlessness and it feels that I am swimming in troubled waters here but I would be a chicken if I was to avoid sharing this incidence which temporarily followed my interaction with V.
I decided to deal with V. in two ways: a) To run away to another working environment where my value would be appreciated. Instead of seeing V. as my mirror, I perceived that there is nothing wrong with me and it was all his fault. To the utter bewilderment of V. I accepted another job, transferring my challenges to another working environment.
b) To seek guidance I enrolled for the March 2007 Retreat. I prepared myself obsessively for this Retreat. I was going to the porno movies observing myself and others and trying to not involve myself in sexual activities. I was also "programming" myself to focus my attention to repulsive elements of my experiences (such as bad smells, darkness, fear of being discovered) to reduce attraction to them. Finally I was bringing images of being with my girlfriend who was in another country or phone her every time I had this sexual urge.
At the Retreat, I requested a private consultation because I had embarrassing sexual issues to share (the ones I herein share). I offered to translate the books. The former never took place and you questioned my motives for the latter. I perceived this response as rejection. The look in your eyes made me believe that you had seen my sexual promiscuity and you were appalled. I believed I deserved what I was getting.
Another element to this was that I had interpreted a dream I had before coming to the Retreat, as a sign of being rejected by you. I remember the end of it: I was walking with a man on my left who was talking and showing me things that I cannot remember. My feelings were that he was showing me the future or that he was suggesting something to me. I agreed with everything he was saying until he mentioned something that infuriated me. My feeling is that it was about me having to stop having sex and live a pure sexless life. I started banging my right fist and arm to the kitchen drawer and the physical pain I felt made me realise I was in the kitchen of my house and I was dreaming. I tried to focus my eyes on my hands but I could only see my feet. I hovered to the ceiling and I was ready to start moving to an easterly direction outside the house, but my energy appearing as the battery of my laptop was depleted and I woke up. When I saw you at the Retreat I recognised that man in my dream and interpreted the dream as being rejected by you or as a warning that I was not ready for the Retreat. The feelings of rejection both in dream and normal awareness brought anger. The second day of the Retreat I said to a woman participant who wanted to get to know me better that all I wanted was to have sex and that it is better to stay away from me. The same night I dreamt that I penetrated from behind M. a course mate that we were sharing a room in the residence hall back in my student years. I woke up in my attempt to prevent ejaculation but I did not. I felt dirty and unworthy of being in this holy place. The following day I completely lost it and made a spectacle of myself during the Retreat session. You completely ignored my outburst and suggested that I should check whether my motives relate to wanting to have power over people.
On my way back from the Retreat I received the invitation for another job in the UK which I considered as a new beginning. This experience led me to the "loosing the airplane" incident I described in my previous message.
Théun, I mean no disrespect. It is not you or V. that I am angry with but with my distorted view of the authority or power that you represent to my eyes. Both you and V. are formidable father figures and although I am longing to cooperate intelligently with people, I cannot.
Question: "This urge appears in every interaction with the male which represents for me a power over quality. By male I do not mean only men but everything that represents authority."
Can you please provide us with some examples. Even just one will suffice for now."
Answer: The two examples above cover this question too.
Question: ".....when I was searching what is wrong with my life almost 2 out of 3 dreams were related to my brother."
"I had already seen that your psychopathy was initiated by the relationship between you and your brother. You seem to think that your parents played a big role in this, and they indeed DID help you to set up this challenge in this lifetime, but it was your brother who triggered it, or rather, your relationship with your brother."
Answer: It might be that my father provided the context or the drapes so to speak against which this play was unfolded whereas my brother was the protagonist. I remember vividly an incident in my childhood when my father was taking his belt off to whip me and my brother after a hard day at work and my brother put his body in front of mine as a shield saying to my father: "I will get his blows, he is too skinny." I do not exclude the possibility that my brother, although altruistic as he was, he was also clever enough to bet on not only to my father"s sensitivity but mainly to my mother's. He was aware that she had a particular preference towards me and that if he would overstate my weakness and suffering there is a strong chance that she will intervene to stop my father. If there is any truth is this, he then would be an excellent stalker from an early age. It was his stalking abilities that I was really in font of?
Another pertinent incident which I do not remember myself, relates to my jealousy for my brother from as early as when I was six years old. My mother has recently shared with me and my brother that my brother was excited one day coming from school. He was happy because he got good grades. Later that day, my mother was alarmed from my brother's weep. He had a nasty wound on his head. I told her that this was not a careless accident but a deliberate hit from me "because he always acts cocky about his grades."
Question 1: "My brother was my hero as a child."
"Your brother may have started off as your hero, but it soon went way beyond this, no? As you grew older you realised that you were very much "in love" with what your brother represented. In fact, so much so, that you wanted to have sex with him."
Question 2: "There are two incidences where sexual vibes between me and my brother surfaced."
"This could be a most important thread for us to start working with, for it sounds as if your brother was in some way either encouraging your feelings for him, or at least open to the possibility of having sex with you. Can you please explain to me in detail what transpired?"
Answer to Questions 1 and 2: I did not want to have sex with my brother, at least not conscientiously. It was rather the other way around. I have chosen the words "vibes" and "surfaced" carefully for the simple reason that I wondered myself whether I wanted to have sex with him. Let me give you the facts.
I can recollect two incidences. The earliest of these relate to a novel he gave me to read during our early youth (early twenties). The story line was about two brothers who were in love with each other and even engaged in sexual relationship. We never went beyond saying to each other that this was a great novel. As far as I was concerned, I was certainly attracted to the idea but I did not have physical erection neither fantasised the act of having sex with him. One thing is for sure: I was interested in the "rebellious" side of it. Further, around that time we were both very sexually active with women. I asked him more than once to simultaneously share my girlfriends. He refused. I was also overtly willing to give him my girlfriends that I knew he liked. He refused my offers too. Another important element in this context is that I have stolen two of his girlfriends including E. the woman of my life whom he was in love with back then. It is only recently that we are beginning to recover from this mess.
I find it relevant to mention elements of my relationship with E. in the context of the sexual tensions between me and my brother since this was the first time that we found ourselves lying in the same bed sexually desiring the same woman in between. I will not share this experience though as this message gets way too long. If you consider it relevant though please let me know.
The second recollection took place after my brother's serious accident. I was sitting in a chair and he stood behind me massaging my shoulders. After some time I felt that there was more than that in his movements. When I became aware of this my body froze but I hide it. I waited for a while and then I found an excuse and stopped the interaction as naturally as I could. Although I was keeping distance from him I was careful to not hurt his feelings as he was feeling lonely and vulnerable at that time due to recovering from his accident. I see this incident as his way to approach me and "release the tensions" between us.
Question: "I have a few sexual stories regarding my sexual behaviour to share that I feel must be relevant to this question."
I would like to hear about these in detail, please.
Answer: Here comes the truly difficult part. I have to double-check myself for honesty now.
Recollection 1: The first sexual experience I can recall involves my cousin L. She was a couple of years older than me at around the age of seven. During a very hot summer afternoon when both our families were having a snooze we took our cloths off and scrutinised our genitals. I was surprised to discover that we were different down there! LOL I first met her at the village where my uncle and aunt live an area famous for the hardness and the bellicose nature of both its people and its landscape. She was a very wild girl, in constant competition with the boys and especially her brother D. In fact, people in that part of the world are notorious for their instinctive abhorrence for any type of authority and at the same time notorious for their loyalty to the King. Anyway, D was seen as the ultimate trouble maker, law breaker and rebel. (D. has become a policeman at a nearby city!) L. was also the stereotype of her brother. I was puzzled about how these two so similar personalities (L. And her brother D.) would have such contrast anatomical differences. To my eyes, L. was a real Amazon and it makes sense to me that E. whom I fell in love with years later had similar personality traits.
Recollection 2: As a child, I used to be afraid of dogs after an incident when a stray dog attacked me. This was the case until my father brought home a puppy. I was a teenager. It was an Irish setter, a most beautiful orange gold hunting dog. His name was Germanic: Kin (which means "family member" in English! Another version of incest?). I was very attached to it. He was my only friend. During our training sessions when he was seven to eight months old, I noticed that he was sniffing my genitals. I took off my pants and he started licking my male member. I got an erection and ejaculated in his mouth. This was repeated several times. Once I fell to my knees with my palms touching the ground and asked him to penetrate me. He was very nervous and I stopped. I wished then, that he was a female dog. Sometime after this event, I touched the pudenda of a female dog that was following me all the way from the school to my house.
Recollection 3: At around the same period (adolescent years), I met a five(?) year old girl, the daughter of a friend of my mother. She was depressed and not talking at all; she was enclosed to herself. I became pathologically in love with her. I wanted to take her out of her misery and I was fantasising that we were of the same age and that we would go away from it all, away from the world, somewhere where purity reigns. There was nothing sexual in my feelings towards her. Instead, I had an overwhelming feeling of emotional suffocation and a deep desire to break loose from the handcuffs of my social environment permeated the core of my existence. The concept of purity and melancholy was a central theme in my fantasies. I do not remember feeling angry but I cannot exclude it since I was aware of the impossibility of realising my fantasies.
Again ejaculation was the way out of this agonising pressure. Around that time, my mother was receiving customers in the house and there were a lot of children around. I am ashamed to say that I would put one to sit on my lap avoiding any contact with my member organ, and while they were busy with my calculator, I would caress their pudenda until my ejaculation which would come in seconds. It was, to my view, an unconscious repetition of my interaction with my cousin L., Lolita Nabukov's book, movies where children were falling in love and any story of impossible love would touch me deeply then. I do not know why and how (it must has to do with my dreams) but I did, at a certain point woke up to the fact that this is not normal. I started reading books on psychology, forced myself into a porno movie and a brothel experience. Thankfully, soon after, I experienced sex with adult women after I entered University and as a result, the adult life. I have never since then had to deal with these issues again. What remained, however, is a deep sense of guilt and the fear that I do not deserve to be a father. Although I love children and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not sexually attracted to children, I have forbidden myself to get married and have kids of my own.
Recollection 3: During my postgraduate student years (at my late twenties), I was sharing a room in a flat with a fellow student, M. (mentioned earlier in the Retreat example). We masturbated each other and in one occasion I penetrated him at a time that he had accepted his homosexuality. I penetrated 2 other men in two separate occasions. During sexual intercourse I had a sense of infertility and emptiness. Does this make me a homosexual? The common element in these experiences was my insecurity. M. was helping me with my studies (my brother protecting me from whipping element?). I believed then that I was not able to complete my studies unless I had support. In retrospect, this belief was unjustified. I was also feeling lonely and I was masturbating frequently.
Recollection 4: During summer holidays with my family, when I was around sixteen years old, me and my brother met a man at his thirties. His friendly manners made us trust him and we accepted his invitation to visit his house. The minute we entered his room, I felt very uncomfortable and scared. It was as if deep inside me I knew that beneath this man's welcoming behaviour something horrible was brewing. My body was highly alert and scared. I would notice slight details in his actions as well as his attempts to cover them. I remember that he locked the door when we were not looking, that he got irritated by the aggressive grunt of a cat outside the room, and that although he acted weak and meek he was very athletic and muscular. I had a physical sensation similar to my sleeping nightmares of my childhood. I bodily knew that I had to cover my fear and behave naturally and that if I made a wrong move something horrible would happen. My brother was cool so I gathered that there is no reason to worry. He told me to stay in the living room and he asked my brother to follow him in his bedroom to show him something (pictures?, comics?, books?) that my brother had expressed interest earlier on. I had the clear sensation that had we separated from each other, I would start screaming out of panic. I was relieved to hear my brother telling him that it was late and we should go back home. The man gave irrational arguments trying to persuade us to spend the night there but my brother lied to him saying that our father is a policeman and he will start looking for us soon. This seemed to cool him down and he let us go. After a few days the local community was shocked by the horrific news: that man had raped and killed a teenage girl in a cave nearby! Me and my brother had a one and only conversation the day we heard the news. He told me that he had the same feelings and sensations with me that day. Danger, made us act as one, without verbal communication, and also brought to the surface the protective side of my brother. Recollection 5: Again as a teenager, an old man (father figure) I met in a public demonstration gained my trust. I only realised that he wanted to have sex with me when, while in his house, in the middle of our conversation he asked me if I wanted to have a shower! I fled his house being angry with myself for being so naive.
Théun, my recap has shown that my brother has a narcissistic personality i.e. he needs people to confirm his intrinsic value. I played that role most of my life. Where my psychopathy fits in this? Are narcissism and psychopathy sides of the same coin? If what I have found on the internet about psychopaths having shallow emotional world (something that I find it hard to accept) applies in my case, then would it be that my brother's altruistic behaviour would serve as waking up in me emotions? Would that explain part of the psychopathic mystery? Is this a lesson for me to learn? Is this a working hypothesis?
As I re-read the above recollections, the theme of "seduction" reappears. I am seduced by older men and I seduce younger women. When feeling insecurity, I am attracted by brother figures. With one notable exception, I want to have sex with any woman who wants to have sex with me, several of which are older women (mother figures?). I am admiring the self-efficiency of transvestites, a symbol of divine hermaphrodites. There are also experiences with dogs. What am I calling forth in my life through all of this? Would it be that I equate cooperation with the male with violence? The anger would be a symptom of my inability to cooperate intelligently. When I am asked to take the male's lead (old men) I get angry and suppress it preferring to cooperate with the pure, undeveloped elements of the female awareness (young girls). When having low self esteem I attract "protection" from brother and mother figures.
I will close this message by asking your guidance on an acute pain I have in the middle back. It appeared in the beginning of this year and has reappeared recently, and during the last few days that I am writing this text (very intense). I wake up at 5:00 am in the morning with a paralysing pain all around the chest, heart, middle back area. It will not go away unless I stand up and take deep breaths. I have seen several alternative doctors on this including Patrick. I will start a series of visiting mainstream doctors and undertaking check ups. Before I do this I would appreciate your guidance. Patrick's diagnosis is as follows:
"a vertebrae in the thoracic spine fixated within its range of movement. This can cause muscle hypertonicity and inflammation. Usually when the joint is released, the condition settles down."
Theun, you are the Light in the darkness of my life,
"You have my permission by all means. It is the sexual parts of my personal record that I am embarrassed to reveal. My little self might try to distort the facts in order to minimise guilt. By avoiding disclosure at this stage, I have no internal excuses to not be ruthlessly honest as promised."
Thank you! :) Remember that you are anonymous here, so your identity is not at stake, and I prefer to keep it this way. It is much better for you. I will therefore start publishing our work together, but I will remove any information from your email which may reveal your identity. So be at peace, my friend. :)
"I would leave his office with a besetting urge to ejaculate and go to the porno cinema to masturbate myself or allow someone else to masturbate me, and sometimes to the brothels."
I understand fully, and you really do not have to be ashamed of this. :) Technically speaking what was happening for you is that in your relationship with V. your own creative urge was being suppressed by him all the time. When this happens, whether through one's own doing or through the doing of someone else, the creative energy drops from the Throat Centre to the Sacral Centre, and it does so so rapidly and so forcefully that you experience an almost instantaneous, and as you noticed, overwhelming desire for sexual gratification.
But I am interested in you saying that you would allow others to masturbate you in the porn cinemas. I assume that this was of both sexes? I ask because it is important. If it was men who masturbated you this would indicate one of two things; one, you wanting to feel wanted by the male as opposed to feeling abused by V; or two, you wanting to abuse the male in order to feel better about yourself. If it were both men and women that masturbated you then this would indicate that in those times you had a complete lack of self-respect because of what had happened for you with V. It is important that we find out what went on for you at the time. So please share. Also, would you initiate the masturbation, or would the other person initiate it?
"The only logical interpretation I can give is that I give a holy dimension to my homosexuality in order to justify it to my self."
Although I have seen this in you, this is the first time you mention your homosexuality. But before we jump to conclusions, I need to ask what gives you the idea that you are homosexual? Just because you have had sex with other men does NOT make you homosexual. MANY heterosexual men have had sex with other men, and your interest in transvestites could indicate heteroflexibility rather than homosexuality. I see this in the web of life all the time now. Many heteroflexible men, not knowing what is happening for them, seek out sex with transvestites because they justify this as being not as bad as having homosexual sex. Please be specific with me in your answer.
"To round up this example, I shall say that a few hours before writing these lines I phoned V. to arrange a meeting in the spirit of facing my fear and engaging in intelligent cooperation with him. Facing my fear is something I want to take on board fully in my life. I would appreciate any comments you might have on whether I should do this or not."
Now I am confused. LOL! You state that you did phone V., but now you are asking if you should. Please clarify. But for now what I can tell you, is that the willingness to face your fear is of extreme importance in handling you challenge with potential psychopathy. Excellent! :)
"The second example involves my interaction with the ultimate male authority in my life: You Théun! I already have a taste of your ruthlessness and it feels that I am swimming in troubled waters here but I would be a chicken if I was to avoid sharing this incidence which temporarily followed my interaction with V.
"I decided to deal with V. in two ways:
"a) To run away to another working environment where my value would be appreciated. Instead of seeing V. as my mirror, I perceived that there is nothing wrong with me and it was all his fault. To the utter bewilderment of V. I accepted another job, transferring my challenges to another working environment.
"b) To seek guidance I enrolled for the March 2007 Retreat. I prepared myself obsessively for this Retreat. I was going to the porno movies observing myself and others and trying to not involve myself in sexual activities. I was also "programming" myself to focus my attention to repulsive elements of my experiences (such as bad smells, darkness, fear of being discovered) to reduce attraction to them. Finally I was bringing images of being with my girlfriend who was in another country or phone her every time I had this sexual urge.
"At the Retreat I requested a private consultation with you because I had embarrassing sexual issues to share (the ones I herein share). I offered to translate the books. The former never took place and you questioned my motives for the latter. I perceived this response as rejection. The look in your eyes made me believe that you had seen my sexual promiscuity and you were appalled. I believed I deserved what I was getting."
LOL! Well now you can see what a guilty conscience can do, no? <w> I did indeed see your sexual promiscuity, as I did your latent potential for psychopathy, but I was not appalled by you. Instead I found it impossible to approach you because you proceeded to act like a total arsehole after that! LOL!
"You completely ignored my outburst and suggested that I should check whether my motives relate to wanting to have power over people."
Can you now begin to see why I said that to you? :) I was giving you a hint of your psychopathy. You may not have realised it, but on that day when you "performed" in the retreat room more than one male was ready to pounce on you if you took another step closer to me, for they could FEEL your anger towards me, and they shared with me afterwards that they were fearful that you may try to attack me physically. LOL!
"Théun, I mean no disrespect. It is not you or V. that I am angry with but with my distorted view of the authority or power that you represent to my eyes. Both you and V. are formidable father figures and although I am longing to cooperate intelligently with people, I cannot."
It is okay, my friend. I understand far more than you realise, and I do NOT feel offended by your honesty. I promise! :)
"This urge appears in every interaction with the male which represents for me a power over quality........The two examples above cover this question too."
Are you not confusing authority with having power over? It is true that I carry a lot of authority by virtue of who and what I am, but I never use my power to abuse others, much less to control them. So should we not rather be looking at what the father figure represents for you? So tell me about your relationship with your father, and also about the relationship between your father and your mother.
"It was his stalking abilities that I was really in font of?"
I don't grasp what you are trying to say. Please clarify.
"I find it relevant to mention elements of my relationship with E. in the context of the sexual tensions between me and my brother since this was the first time that we found ourselves lying in the same bed sexually desiring the same woman in between. I will not share this experience though as this message gets way too long. If you consider it relevant though please let me know."
Yes, please share what happened because of you mentioning triplicities. I would also like to know why you wanted to share your girlfriends with your brother in the same bed. If he had agreed to do this what do you suppose would have happened? You see, although you say that you were never conscious of wanting to have sex with him, yet I have seen that there was something in your relationship with your brother which you found sexually attractive. We need to find out what that was, because you could be sitting with FAR more feelings of rejection from your brother than you realise.
"I see this incident as his way to approach me and "release the tensions" between us."
Perhaps. But it could also have been a simple as him wanting to have sex with you. If this was indeed the case, then what do believe would have been his motive for this? Wanting to have power over you in some way?
Your experiences with your dog and with the children are very typical of a suppressed sexuality. By this I mean that you did not FEEL you had the right to express your sexuality fully and outwardly. Do you have any recollection about this from your childhood?
Your experience with M had very much to do with your feelings of insecurity at that time, as you have already noted. The other men you had sexual intercourse with were also the result of the same feelings.
"......that man had raped and killed a teenage girl in a cave nearby!"
:) So you called forth a psychopath in your life. Your dreamer was already wanting you to face this challenge then!
".....he needs people to confirm his intrinsic value. I played that role most of my life. Where my psychopathy fits in this? Are narcissism and psychopathy sides of the same coin?"
No, narcissism and psychopathy are not related in any way. But I still maintain that whatever the sexual element was between you and your brother it caused in you a lot of suppressed anger in you feeling that your relationship with your brother was one-sided. In other words, that he only wanted to use you for his self-centred gain. You may have "forgotten" most of this, but it was there, and you related it to sex.
"If what I have found on the internet about psychopaths having shallow emotional world (something that I find it hard to accept) applies in my case, then would it be that my brother's altruistic behaviour would serve as waking up in me emotions?"
My friend, I have told you before, you are not YET a psychopath, so be at peace! But it is true that once the psychopath snaps, he has no more conscience left, and feels nothing for anyone or anything. The psychopath can kill in cold blood as easily as you would peel an apple!
"I am seduced by older men and I seduce younger women. When feeling insecurity, I am attracted by brother figures."
Yes. Your assessment is correct, but we need to find out why this is happening for you. And we will find out as we continue to work. So don't become despondent. :)
"Would it be that I equate cooperation with the male with violence?"
You do not yet know this consciously, but you equate co-operation with the male to sex, and it is this that brings up the anger in you for some reason we do not yet understand. I believe this mystery lies in your relationship with your brother, but we need to find the clues. Anything you can share with me concerning this will help us. So try to remember.
"I will close this message by asking your guidance on an acute pain I have in the middle back."
Although this pain could be caused by a pinched nerve or a dislocated vertebra, I suspect that it is caused much more by your fear of what you are facing now. So by all means have yourself checked physically, but it could just be fear. I suggest you do the deep relaxation exercise given for the dreaming practice.
"Theun, you are the Light in the darkness of my life.."
:) My dear friend, it is my absolute pleasure to be able to help you, and it is indeed also my privilege. So learn to relax into the process of exploring with me, and do not worry endlessly. I am not here to judge you, or to hurt you, nor to betray your trust in me. So be at peace and know that everything in life is but a challenge, and that no challenge makes us good or bad. :)
I send you my love, my strength and my support,