I have had my suspicions about this, but from what you have described in Volume five, who would want to be a Nagal. :)
As an example of my suspicions, one day I walked out of my house to throw out the garbage and, precisely at that moment, a truck drove by with large letters written in red saying SOUTHSIDE along its trailer - this could have also meant a Courier to the Nagal or to the South. I decided to let it go and move on with the rest of my day knowing that life will show me the way as long as I stay wide-awake. Later on that day, I was taking my son and his friend to the park with my wife when my son's three year old friend alerts me to a surveyors number on the floor. It was the number 18 with an arrow pointing east. I do not like to assume nor do I like to pretend, so I just moved on with my life.
As a working hypothesis, I would like to ask you a few questions.
What does it feel like to be loved if you are not a Nagal?
I want to fully understand the difference between the love I feel inside and the love I know people have for me, but can't quite feel. For example, the other day my wife kissed my cheek when I was sleeping and I felt a significant sensation run throughout my body and I thought how much I love.
Could that have been me feeling her love or is that the love I have for her?
It seems pretty obvious that since I thought it it must be my love for her, but maybe I confused the two.
Can you share with me some more how you feel about not feeling love?
If I am a Nagal does that make my wife the Nagal woman?
She is always seeking love from the male in terms of physical affection and I don't mean sex only. More along the lines of cuddling and being held. I guess that is what most women want from men, the feeling of being contained and safe.
At one point we had an impasse, she couldn't understand that all I wanted to do and the only thing that brought me true joy was to be in service. I tried to show her that that was who I am and I love her deeply, but I can't just idly go about life without me feeling an emptiness inside. She has worked hard on herself since then and has found it within herself to be ALL-ONE.
Thank you so much for everything.
"......a truck drove by with large letters written in red saying SOUTHSIDE along its trailer..........the number 18 with an arrow pointing east."
:) So if you are nagal it would seem that your predilection is for the East, a philosophical nagal.
"What does it feel like to be loved if you are not a Nagal?"
LOL! You are asking the wrong person. Once one is severed the severance wipes out everything that is TRULY personal, and I don't mean the little self, but the true Self, except for that deep longing to be part of life in every way possible. The only recollection I have of what it feels like to be loved is what I experienced in my female incarnations. That feeling of being loved is sublime! :) It made me feel like I could move mountains, and that I would go to the ends of the earth for my husband if he needed me to! But as a male who is a severed nagal I have no recollection of what it feels like to be loved. I can only IMAGINE! :(
".......the other day my wife kissed my cheek when I was sleeping and I felt a significant sensation run throughout my body and I thought how much I love. Could that have been me feeling her love or is that the love I have for her?"
It is the love you feel for your wife. Not the other way round.
"Can you share with me some more how you feel about not feeling love?"
Most of the time when I am not deeply engrossed in being of service I feel a great loneliness of spirit and a devastating sense of wanting someone I love CLOSE to me. Mostly I feel this in terms of wanting to be physically intimate with that person, but not necessarily to have sex. In fact, I had that feeling ever since I was a small child. This feeling drove me to being a party animal when I was young, and also a sex maniac! LOL! I am not at all proud of my behaviour when I was young, but at that time I did not understand what was driving me. When my memory was restored and I realised that I am nagal, and that I would again be called upon in this lifetime to be of service to humanity, I just wanted to run away and hide, hoping that power would not find me! LAMOF! A very deep depression came over me, and I became a recluse for seven years. But eventually power came to find me and knelt me in no uncertain terms until I was forced to submit once again to my destiny as nagal.
Since then I have learned all over again to live with the constant feeling of being on the outside looking in, and being a three-pronged nagal, and therefore a bisexual, has not helped this feeling at all! :) At times the loneliness of the spirit overtakes me, and I cannot hold back the tears, so then I mostly talk to my dogs, and once I have released the pressure, I get my arse back into the saddle! :) As I said, only by being of service can one alleviate the constant longing that one knows can never again be filled.
My friend, I can share more, but what is the point in talking about that which cannot be undone? :) Maybe one day, and hopefully not too long from now, when we meet up in Chile you and I can sit and share a drink together and together FEEL the sense of camaraderie that can never truly be expressed in words, but that can be shared with the unspoken word between those that share the same battle.
"If I am a Nagal does that make my wife the Nagal woman?"
:) If you do turn out to be nagal, which seems more and more likely from what you share, then the FIRST thing you must learn is that there is THE Nagal, and then there are beings like you and me called nagals. We do not spell our names in the upper case out of respect for the Nagal. :)
Perhaps your wife is a nagal woman. And perhaps not. Time will show. :)
"I tried to show her that that was who I am and I love her deeply, but I can't just idly go about life without me feeling an emptiness inside."
I know. It was exactly this that drove me and the only woman I ever truly loved apart. And she WAS my nagal woman! Yet she wanted my love for herself only. For me this was impossible, but she could not, or rather did not want to understand. :(
"She has worked hard on herself since then and has found it within herself to be ALL-ONE."
:) Excellent! This will help both of you a great deal!
With all my love and support,