Learning, nature of from Warriors' Experience


  • Learning, nature of

Question:

Théun, I hope you are better now.:) I would like to share with you some incidents of my childhood and pre-adolescent age that it's obvious to me now, after recalling them, that are still shadowing my life with feelings of guilt and embarrassment. These incidents are related to my family, especially between me, my father and my little brother (3 years younger than me). I am still in the beginning of recapping all these but I need to share them with you. To be honest, I never talked before neither to another person nor with myself about these. There was always an everyday thought about it but I was being afraid to face it. I know that only you can help me help myself in becoming a little lighter and start working with these challenges.:)

From the age of 7-8, I remember my father working from 06:00 a.m. till 20:00 p.m. For his own reasons, he had a violent behavior toward us. He used to beat us (me and my brother) by punching and kicking us for more than 20 minutes. I remember that these 20 minutes felt like a century!. I was scared to shit and very embarrassed with these experiences as a kid. Sometimes I had no more tears to spill and I was waiting patiently for him to finish and then go to my bed to sleep. It was a period in my life that I loved the darkness and quietness of my bedroom, a feeling that I still have in some occasions. There, embraced with my brother and crying in darkness I was feeling safe.

The reasons for beating us were not as serious as to justify his beating and were about damages we caused in the house while we were playing, or for not studying enough or for our behavior in general. I was wishing to be bigger to defend myself and my little brother. My mother, most of the times, was hidden in another room crying. After years she admitted to me that she could not watch us being abused by him. Even if he never practiced physical violence on her she was always being afraid of him.

My father's violent behavior was continued until I was 13-14. Although I hated violence, at the same time I wanted to become like him, strong and imposing. Trying to be like him I started being violent to my brother and he had to face both of us (me and our father). When my father was away from home I was acting like him. I was beating my brother every day and one day during an argument we had I went to the kitchen, I took a scissors and I stabbed his hand with it. My intention was to stab him in the abdomen but fortunately he put his hand to defend himself! I was blinded by violent feelings.:( What hurts me more is that my brother always supported me and loved me but I somehow ''betrayed'' him by behaving like my father.

At the age of 13, I started exploring my sexuality more than a kid does. I remember a time when I was able to do everything in order to have sex with a woman. I was masturbating 5-6 times every day fantasizing about raping girls (my schoolmates) from school or my 40 years old teacher. I still remember the curiosity I had about how women feel during penetration. My next step was to put a pen in my ass just to see if I liked it. I didn't like it but then I start feeling disgusted and guilty for what I had done to myself! My obsession in having sex, due to the absence of a girl, forced me to turn my attention in my brother!:( My thought was that he was weaker and he was mine. I am so ashamed for what I have done to him. One day I blackmailed him that I was going to beat him to death if he didn't let me fuck him. I remember him taking his clothes off and myself waiting in the bed. For obvious reasons, it was not practically possible for me to penetrate him. But even if I didn't finally penetrate him these suffocating feelings of guilt remained the same. When this happened I knew what I've done to him but I wasn't able to realize it fully. I left my home city after 5 years for studies and it was this period of time in my life that I started consciously realizing what I've done to him.

I could not stop accusing myself of what I've done to my own brother. I was feeling depressed and I often cried for hours. Then in order to punish myself I used to cut my hands with a knife. I started to believe that I am sick. I was always thinking of talking to my brother about all this but I was unable and I was being afraid of making things worse. Even now, when I am looking to his eyes I see the pain I caused to him and I am dying to ask him for forgiveness.

Théun, I know that I cannot go back in time and change things but I am sure I can bring light to these dark areas of my life. I also know that what I called forth in my past is what I am living right now and I am willing to work with myself and you to find it out. It may be important to say that my current relationship with my family is ostensibly good. I say this because I still feel that the shadows of the past come alive every time I visit my parents in the house where all these things took place in the past. My father has changed so much during the last 15 years. I assume that his regret for the past made him change but I cannot be sure. What I am sure of, is that now he is very supportive and gives much warmth and love to everyone around him, not only to us. I am so happy for him!:)

I can't say the same for me. I am not proud with what I've done to my brother and to myself at the past. My question is if you SEE as a good idea for me to approach my brother, firstly, and my father secondly in order to discuss about these past incidents. I must resolve this issue and find the clarity I need to continue with my other challenges which are a lot to deal with.:) My wife is pregnant and she needs my support and my son does.:) It seems that I have to gather all my strength for the next months.

Thank you very much for your True Love and support to ALL of us.

P.S. Before I sent you my request I study about violence, guilt, forgiveness and everything seemed similar with my experience. I found some answers I need, but its my own brother here, that makes it so complicated and difficult for me to deal with.

Answer:

My friend, be at peace, for you have finally found the strength to face your past. Yes, it is not pretty, but then whose past is pretty? All of us, if we wish to do so, can compare our past with that of others and say, "Ohhh, but my past was not THAT bad. I was not THAT bad!" But such statements are merely justifications for our behaviour, behaviour which we choose to see or to remember in a better light than it actually was. And so we continue to lie to ourselves and to those around us, in the vague hope that if we keep on pretending that we were never bad, then the sense of guilt will eventually go away! But it NEVER goes away, and this is why I say to you, be at peace in that you have found the COURAGE that most people lack.

Now that you have come to stand in front of the mirror of justice, only YOU, my friend, is going to be your judge and your executioner. No-one else. So the question is, CAN you find that knowledge that will EN-ABLE you to forgive yourself? Do you WANT to find that knowledge? For realise that although I am here WITH you, I cannot GIVE you the knowledge you need. You have already tried to punish yourself, and it did not work. So unless you are contemplating suicide, which I don't believe you are, you have NO choice other than to find that knowledge which you were lacking at the time of your childhood. Only in this way can you ever forgive yourself.

If we keep it simple, then what seems clear, is that you chose this lifetime in order to learn to love and to respect, even in the midst of violence. From what you share you carry with you no ill feelings towards your father for the violence that he inflicted upon you and your brother. And this is good, for it means that even at that young age, you somehow knew that the violence you were calling forth was what you needed. Am I right? :)

But what of your brother? :)

You needed to learn about love and warmth versus violence in this lifetime, but so too did your brother. In fact, for your brother, it went even further. Your brother also needed to learn that even the love of a brother is not what it appears to be. Even a brother can turn against you, and beat you up for no rhyme or reason, other than that you AND your brother need this experience. And your brother also needed to learn that in a world of violence, the weaker male OFTEN has no value other than to be used for another man's sexual gratification, even IF this is against his will. The world is FULL of this, even though most men never speak up. It is not ALWAYS expressed sexually, but MANY weaker men find themselves in one way or another having to "bend over" for another man's self-centred gain, until they LEARN what it is to FIGHT for their rights.

So have you ever asked yourself, WHY your brother should have called forth YOU to not only beat him up but also to violate him sexually? You are NOT the only one in this equation, my friend, and to THINK that it was only YOU is tantamount to extreme arrogance! Your brother NEEDED this experience, and you were at the time WILLING to give him the experience, even though today it is costing you HEAVILY! And so it is within life. I am NOT saying you were a unselfish little angel! LOL! No! At THAT time you were FAR from being a little angel. Instead you were the devil in disguise as a brother! LOL! But by the same token, your brother NEEDED a devil, even IF in disguise. :)

Kahlil Gibran says it so poignantly when he says that the murdered is not unaccountable for his own murder. This does NOT give any of us a license to use and abuse life around us, but by the same token, sometimes we need to learn something, and often the ONLY way in which we can learn it, is at GREAT expense to the one that allows us to have the necessary experience through him or her. Herein lies the warrior's inability to judge, his humility and his great love for the world around him. How do we hate them that taught us what we most needed to learn, often at great expense to themselves?

I am taking this approach with you, my friend, NOT to make you feel better about yourself, or to help you to sweep your past actions under the carpet. No. Instead I am taking this approach to help you to gain a better perspective upon your life, and most especially your relationship with your brother. You MUST start acknowledging the fact that there are NO victims in this world, and therefore had your brother not called forth these actions from you, it would never have happened. The fact that you DID take the actions with your brother that you did, means that he NEEDED those experiences.

But do not THINK that he only needed you for his own learning. No. Your brother also needed YOU specifically. If it was merely learning your brother needed, he could have called forth ANY man from whom to learn. But he called forth you and your father for a reason. And it was YOU who wanted to fuck him, and who tried to. He allowed it. Why? Yes, I know, you threatened to beat him to death if he did not allow it. But was it just his fear of you that made him allow it? Was there not perhaps something deeper at work in your brother that perhaps even he was not all that conscious of at the time?

You will never know unless you speak to him, unless you share with him your own sense of guilt, shame and pain. If you do, I know that your brother too will open up and share with you. And then TOGETHER you can BOTH learn from what you both called forth in the past. It is my feeling that once you get past all the initial hurt and bullshit which such a confrontation is likely to bring up, your brother will begin to realise that deep down inside he too knew he needed to experience violence versus true love and warmth. And the same goes for needing the humiliation of being fucked by his own brother. But he chose to have these experiences with YOU, again deep down inside KNOWING that if they were with YOU then the chances are that they can be resolved into unconditional love for one another, and a deepening of the bond between you as brothers. Just the mere fact that you have found your way to the Warrior's Path is proof enough of what I see in your brother. My feelings tell me that your brother TRUSTS you far more than you now believe. I am NOT saying this trust is conscious. No, not with all that has happened. At face value, how does one trust a brother who wants to fuck you for his own self-centred gratification, no matter how this makes you feel about yourself? No, I feel he loves you and trusts you at a very deep level, a level not seen within daily life.

So PRE-PARE yourself, my friend, and when you FEEL ready, and how you will know that you are ready, is that the moment will present itself to you as your fleeting moment of chance, speak to your brother, but do so in private where you can both talk openly and freely. Let your brother understand that you are NOT expecting HIM to make you feel better, or expecting HIM to forgive you, but that you are trying to learn what HE took out his experiences that may help you to forgive yourself. When that moment comes, allow your brother to express freely, even IF it is in anger and with bitterness. Once he knows that he is being LISTENED to and ACKNOWLEDGED, he will open up and drop his defenses.

Do not despair, my friend. Hold onto your courage. Sometimes when the tunnel is very dark, the light is but a few inches away! :) I have in my own journey upon life, MANY times entered very dark and frightening tunnels. OFTEN the light vanished altogether, leaving me in unmitigated darkness. In those moments I always remind myself that the only failure in life is the failure to fight. And so I would keep pressing forward in what appeared to be endless darkness. But eventually I would again begin to see the light emerging, first as a tiny spot FAR ahead, but progressively coming closer as I keep struggling forward through the darkness. And then, one day I would again find myself standing in the glorious light of the sun, and I would always give thanks for another day of living, for another day of learning about the Self. For another day of being ABLE to give expression to my love for and of all of life. :)

Learning through pain and loss, and learning to bring about harmony through conflict and light through darkness, is our way upon this beloved planet of ours. It is the way the Lord of our Being, Atl, has dictated, because of His great and unconditional love for our Solar Being, and for His brothers and sisters that comprise our solar system. :) Today we are the Dark Planet of Fear, Sorrow and Pain, but do not mistake this as meaning that we are not deeply loved. Atl's brothers and sisters know full well at what cost to Himself Atl made the great sacrifice. To borrow the words of Frank Herbert, whether or not Atl will succeed in transmuting the solar debris, and "get to know Himself as once He was, remains tangled in the future." But as Frank Herbert saw for himself, the root is there. We are that root. And it is up to the likes of you and me, and everyone who finds his or her way to the Warrior's Path, to DO what we can to HELP transmute the darkness. In this we must NEVER forget that "all acts of man are mine. Any act of mine may do it." :)

With all my love, strength and support,
Your friend,
Théun