Numerology, name changes from Warriors' Experience


  • Numerology, name changes

Question:

Théun and Elizabeth, since the Relationships Course, the topic of names and their significance has been a major theme, for me and other participants on the course. I'm seeking a guiding principle I can use to navigate through the quagmire of self-image and also give names their due respect.

I was re-reading portions of my journal in early December and came across an entry I had consciously "forgotten" about, but with hindsight was obviously bubbling just beneath the surface. I was reflecting on an interaction between myself and my boss at work and his boss. I noticed how I was inundating them with the sheer quantity, speed and intensity of my words so that in the end I was not heard. I wrote: "I was begging, feeling small and having to fight for "respect". As soon as I open my mouth to speak, Kamori comes out. Maybe I should reunite with Linda! The six year-old: all feeling, sensitive, idealistic, dreamy, thrilled by beauty."

Around Christmas the Numerology book arrived in my hands and I did a numeroscope on my birth name as well as my most recent legal name change. What struck my funny bone is that the three karmic numbers 13, 15 and 16 appear in both names, so I haven't "escaped" my challenges by changing my name!

On the course pre-questionnaire, I included my birth name alongside my legal name, since I now understood something of the numerological significance of birth names. Elizabeth picked up that signal loud and clear and suggested on the first day of the course that a different name tag could be given to me if I so chose. By that time I had "forgotten" that I included my birth name on the questionnaire, and so couldn't make heads or tails of what she was suggesting until she reminded me. This opened up a new thread for recapitulation that is ongoing, as the emotions and behaviors and even the postures of young Linda resurfaced.

In a dialogue with Elizabeth from the "hot seat" she was questioning me about when I had abandoned Linda, which started around puberty. At one moment when I had begun to sink into low self-image and to withdraw, Elizabeth said, "Now you're abandoning Kamori!"

Recently when my behavior was regressing into mind crap, Théun said to me in an email I had signed as Linda, "KAMORI is still VERY much in charge, even though she KNOWS she is not going to get anywhere fast unless she is WILLING to let go her self-image! So why all this crap about Linda?"

These experiences and more have taken me right back to when I was four years old when my mother's verbal and emotional assaults on my behavior began. As a child, I felt devastated by the message conveyed by her tone and body language: that I was bad, defective, unworthy of love and deserving only of raging abuse for my transgressions. Sometimes I couldn't figure out beforehand what she expected of me and she would suddenly descend upon me with rage; or I would "forget" one of her demands and I would feel guilty as she raged at me; or I would desperately try to do what she demanded and then she would change her requirements so that she could continue to rage. I felt dispirited and disheartened.

Many years later when I left the Gurdjieff community, I began searching for a means to resolve the frozen emotional patterns I observed that everyone falls into sooner or later. During the course of learning a form of emotional clearing therapy similar to what's known as inner child work, my practicing therapist called my inner child "little Linda" during a clearing session. I heard myself say, "I'm NOT Little Linda - I'm Camori!" Camori is a name I made up for myself as a child when playing fantasy games with my friend where we were two against a thousand, the hero and heroine. My therapist came up to me later during the training and suggested that I change my name.

There's more to the story, but essentially I decided to legally change my name in 1991 as a way of giving myself the acknowledgment I never got from others. I wanted to call up my inner Heroine, find the courage to speak my truth even in the face of a thousand enemies, every time I heard my new name (now spelled with a "K"). I wanted to believe in my own perceptions and find the strength to act from my own knowledge. I also wanted to dissociate from the effects of my low self-image, especially my depression, guilt and self-doubt, and hoped that by dissociating from my birth name I might accomplish this.

Now looking back I can see both positive and negative in the name change events. I also sense that there is the story I tell myself about why I'm doing these things and something else entirely going on beneath the surface. After the Relationships Course I realized that at some level I had been trying to escape my challenges, particularly the painful emotions from my youth, even while I was at the same time groping toward not-doing the effects of my low self-image by stepping into a new role and learning to play it well. This is the sense in which I take Elizabeth's comment not to abandon Kamori. Elizabeth, did I hear what you were trying to tell me? If not, could you please clarify?

The way Théun used the name Kamori confirms that an image has formed around that name which is just more mind-based crap that needs to be dropped. I simply traded in a tarnished self-image for a shiny new one, re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Théun, are you equating Kamori with my mind? My own journal entry seems to point to something like this as well. What is the meaning or significance of Kamori from your perspective?

Elizabeth pointedly continued to call me Linda after the course. I have signed emails to my Toltec friends with both names to see how it feels. Out in the world it's Kamori (unless I was to go through another legal name change). The effect of all this is to loosen up my attachment to both names and to self-image and to keep me in question.

I have now gained enough self-confidence to embrace Linda, my sometimes painful emotions, feelings and sensitivity - and my crap! - and to work at resolving those early challenges through recapitulation and further not-doing. I'm feeling that I need to embrace ALL of me, my potential as well as my shortcomings, but that clinging to self-image is the greatest obstacle to attaining this. I wish to be real and keep it simple. How shall I call myself in support of this desire?

Is there deeper significance to names that could throw light on this question (beyond what is already thoroughly covered in the Numerology volume)?

I thank you both for helping me to see what's really going on!

Answer:

As you are addressing this request for guidance to both Elizabeth and me, I will leave Elizabeth to give you the guidance you have specifically requested from her.

No matter how many times we may change out names it makes NO difference to how our fate unfolds. Our fate unfolds regardless.

You already have much clarity on why you changed your name, but I would just like to add one more point. You say, "Camori is a name I made up for myself as a child when playing fantasy games with my friend where we were two against a thousand, the hero and heroine."

Your therapist was incredibly INCOMPETENT in his/her work. LOL! Your therapist should have guided you into seeing that the issue was not your NAME, but your deep inner desire to be a heroine, and then should have fostered and cultivated that desire within you. What a stupid idiot to suggest you change your name. RATFL!

Had your therapist been worth his salt he would have worked with you in the following way after you blurted out, "I am Camori." :)

Have you ever considered COURAGE and what it means to be a heroine? :) Here is a little riddle for you which will help you to get the REAL message of what is courage and what is a hero/heroine. :)

One day a house was on fire, and the people inside were trapped. They needed help if they were not to burn to death, but it was clear for all to see that to enter that burning house would mean sure death. The big, brave firemen who had been trained for just this kind of job with all their fire fighting skills and equipment were already fighting another fire elsewhere, and therefore could not come to this house as well. What to do?

There were MANY people standing outside the burning house, and some of those were renowned for their bravery, but although everyone so much wanted to help the people inside, none of them dared to enter that house. Also standing amongst them, was a young girl who had for her entire life been timid and shy, withdrawn and frigthened of any form of violence, and most especially of the idea of death. Many of her school friends teased her mercilessly about being a coward. At first she tried to hide behind some of the adults standing around, too frightened to to really look at the burning house, but also feeling strangely curious to see WHO of the brave people standing around would be brave enough to enter the house to rescue the people inside. But no-one moved, and the fire raged on, whilst the people inside were still screaming for help.

Something in the young girl stirred when she heard the people trapped inside the house cry out for help again and again, and without even thinking about it, she suddenly KNEW that if she acted quickly enough she COULD jump up across the burning piece of wood that was blocking the front door and that the weight of her body would smash in the now badly burned front door. Not thinking at all now, the young girl ran backlwards a few steps, aimed herself at the front door, took a deep breath and ran as fast as she could, hurling her full body weight against the burning front door as she neatly jumped over the piece of burning wood blocking it. She acted so quickly that none of the people outside the house saw what she was doing before she had already smashed in the front door, and was rolling on the floor inside away from the flames.

A gasp went up from the crowd outside, which then quickly changed into wild cheering as the occupants of the burning house now started to jump out the opening made by the smashed in front door. The young girl followed last, covered with soot and ashes, her hair badly singed by the flames, but with such a happy look on her face that everyone had to cheer again when she emerged from the burning house.

The riddle is this: Who on that day showed what true courage is? The brave men who were renowned for their feats of bravery? Or the young girl who was to all intents and purposes the village coward? :)

But now I will take off my therapist's hat, LOL, and share with you also the moral of this story, for there is a moral. :) The very BEST warriors were not born heroes or heroines. No, mostly they are people who had been so roughly treated by life, that they turned to the Warrior's Path as an act of SURVIVAL. In order to survive they started to LIVE the teachings, eating them, drinking them, breathing them, sleeping them, thinking them, feeling them, until they and the teachings had become as one. :) So this is why Toltecs always maintain that only crackpots try to solicit the teachings by coming to the Warrior's Path as wannabe warriors. The ones who are not crackpots have no time to TALK about becoming warriors. Instead they just ACT for the sheer sake of survival! :) And this is also why Toltecs maintain that it is wrong to pity people who are having a hard time, for Toltecs know that these people stand a chance to fight for their freedom, whereas the people that should be pitied are the ones who do not feel a need to fight for their survival.

"Théun, are you equating Kamori with my mind? "

Yes, but also with the Church Lady. LOL! In order to feel better about yourself you escaped into the mind, which then also lead you to the Gurdjieff teachings and even more mind, until finally you had built for yourself the "perfect" self-image, namely, Kamori the Church Lady, very intellectual and therefore also very superior, in that you had trained your mind to be the heroine in you. There are not too many people who can today combat the formidable clarity and strength of your mind. :) But at what cost to Linda, your true Self in this lifetime? So it is not Linda that is bad, or that she was ever bad; it is just that Linda was never given a chance to prove herself before Kamori, the heroine in your mind which then rapidly became the Mind Lady, took over Linda's life. So, yes, the true purpose in working with the inner child SHOULD be to free the inner child, and allowing the MIND of the adult body to come to ACCEPT the child within whose growth became stunted and arrested at some point in time.

So the way I see it is that you are NOT Kamori, but Linda! Kamori being the self-image you have built for yourself through the years in which Linda was kept firmly under lock and key. What will help you here, and something which I myself often used in training school teachers working with "problem" children, is the work of Sallie Nichols who I recommended to you whilst you were at the Temple of Peace. Sallie Nichols, in my opinion in having worked with many "problem children," is the only therapist that I ever came across who has a very SOUND understanding of the inner child. Her work was then later taken and expanded upon by several psychologists into showing that some children are "right-brain" orientated, whilst others are "left-brain" orientated, and that it is therefore wrong to want all children to be the same, something I agree with fully.

"The effect of all this is to loosen up my attachment to both names and to self-image and to keep me in question. "

:) The self-image part I agree with. But it is a mistake to distance yourself from your name given at birth. That name is the REAL you in this lifetime, as well as the personality you SHOULD have had with which to help you uncover your hidden potential. It is for me an ongoing sadness within this lifetime that fate has decreed it unwise for me to mix my two identities, that is, the name given to me at birth by my parents and my ancient name amongst Toltecs. I love my name given to me at birth, even with its "incorrect" spelling, LOL, because it is in every way possible SO the me as I express myself in this lifetime and in this age. :) But because of the nature of MUCH of my work, the Guardians in Their wisdom felt it expedient that I should not allow the outside world the opportunity of being able to equate my two names. :( I can see the wisdom in Their guidance, but it has nevertheless always left in me a great sadness, for I feel that I can never REALLY give credit to the ME that I am in THIS lifetime, and that includes my faithful tonal that has been my staunchest support through thick and thin, and that continues, even in times of severe illness, to labour at being the necessary physical mechanism through which to bring to light the work of the Toltec Théun Mares. :(

With much love,
Théun

Answer:

In a dialogue with Elizabeth from the "hot seat" she was questioning me about when I had abandoned Linda, which started around puberty. At one moment when I had begun to sink into low self-image and to withdraw, Elizabeth said, "Now you're abandoning Kamori!"
and

After the Relationships Course I realized that at some level I had been trying to escape my challenges, particularly the painful emotions from my youth, even while I was at the same time groping toward not-doing the effects of my low self-image by stepping into a new role and learning to play it well. This is the sense in which I take Elizabeth's comment not to abandon Kamori. Elizabeth, did I hear what you were trying to tell me? If not, could you please clarify?

By the time I made the comment about abandoning Kamori, Kamori had LONG since disappeared - plus this comment of mine did not come at the BEGINNING of your withdrawal!

The beginning of your withdrawal came when to support you to be free to participate fully on the course, I decided to get the group to share the "kitchen" chores so that you wouldn't lose yourself in the kitchen for the weekend. I KNOW that mirror! Also it was the perfect tool to get the group to relate to each other with REAL things like looking out for each other by way of washing cups, cleaning counters etc. Perhaps it was at this point that you started to "disappear" - seeing this as you being wrong, left out, whatever happened for you when those duties were "taken away from you", shared amongst the group?

Was this not when your MOTHER revealed herself again? :

These experiences and more have taken me right back to when I was four years old when my mother's verbal and emotional assaults on my behavior began. As a child, I felt devastated by the message conveyed by her tone and body language: that I was bad, defective, unworthy of love and deserving only of raging abuse for my transgressions. Sometimes I couldn't figure out beforehand what she expected of me and she would suddenly descend upon me with rage; or I would "forget" one of her demands and I would feel guilty as she raged at me; or I would desperately try to do what she demanded and then she would change her requirements so that she could continue to rage. I felt dispirited and disheartened.

Then to add to this we got to the NAME by which she called you? The NAME you had chosen for your-Self? Linda.

The first thing I had seen on your form was your real name - something you had avoided even in our one on one interactions at the Temple of Peace. I knew Kamori was not your real name so why give me your real name on your form if you didn't want to use it? Then when I asked you on the course - on the hot seat as you call it -from where the name Kamori came, you fobbed me off with "It's a long story" :-(

Once Linda put on her name tag she withdrew more and more and by Saturday afternoon she was black around the eyes and the cheeks - and her mouth was in a horrible thin line! Kamori had totally disappeared and not even her last practical session on the Saturday night seemed to get her back on track. By Sunday morning something had shifted again and here was a light in your eye and in your step. You were not Kamori but something new was emerging, no-one I knew :-)

The way I see Kamori is that she was the coping mechanism to get you through the challenges of puberty and beyond, but that as an adult wanting to be real, "she" is no longer appropriate. But what Kamori did for you was help you to find Linda's strength and belief in herself. She was the tool , the instrument to get Linda up on her own two feet. So Kamori is never going to go away - but like any shortcoming she has an advantage that when used intelligently, can be transmuted into its proper place.

So abandon Kamori,? No. Suppress? Yes - but then to what end? What can be so bad about Kamori if she got you this far?

With my love and my support to Linda,
Elizabeth