"Do you mind if I light a cigarette? :)"
"Now I can just sit and observe you for a while, whilst smoking my cigarette.
But okay! You are here now, and here and now is all that is important."
"And right here and right now you are, as you say, a fucked up bastard! I don't know if you are LITERALLY a bastard, for you have never shared. And I also do not know to WHAT extent you are fucked up, for this you have also not yet shared with me. I say this because it is not uncommon for men like yourself to get the point of such a DEEP self-loathing that they DO land up getting themselves fucked not only in the mind but also in the arse by anything that wants to get its rocks off with them, in the vague "hope" that this will make them feel better about themselves, in the sense that at least there is ONE person who sees value in them, even IF it is only for a fuck!"
I chose to be born to a really messed up mother, and I have no clue who my dad is. She gave birth to me whilst having AIDS, and miraculously the body is made so that the disease cannot easily enter a fetus. After my birth I was yellow, but soon I recovered. One day my mother was screaming and I was crying, she was going on about how, "there was evil coming from my umbilical". The neighbor heard, and called the cops who took me away. My dad must have been really out of his mind to fuck my Mom, and it had to have been really crazy, impulsive, irresponsible sex. My Mother died two years after my birth.
When I was picked up by my new mother, it was a really rainy day. I am an Aries, and my eyebrows resemble small horns. My adopted mother had her mother die when she was 12, and soon after her ovaries became problematic, she tried to give birth but every time it failed. This led to her adopting me, because she so wanted a child, but it was not meant to be from her. I grew up Jewish, and so my awareness is affected by the Jewish phenomenon, so I quite easily blame this for my misfortune. I can't escape the fact that I was a Jew, and still am one, but perhaps this can lead back to good things.
I have had sex, but the moment I realized sex was extremely interconnected, through reading Taisha Abelar's book, I avoided sex like the plague. Still, I delighted in porn, since I felt safe releasing my juice without the consequences. I have watched so much porn, and I always use it to conclude that I could never become a warrior, because I could not, for the life of me, remember every porno I have ever watched. When I recapitulate, it is so repulsive to see without actually destroying myself in the process.
I couldn't bring myself to get fucked in the arse at this point, because I have a ghastly hemmmerhoid there. When I was a child though, there was a time when I had a friend named Shane, and at one point he slept over. I ended up wrestling with him and had an extreme desire to play with his genitals. We both did so, but after I was done I felt really ashamed, and washed my hands of my gayness. =) . Goes to show, we are all part homosexual.
"But even if you ARE the result of a bored fuck, and even if you ARE fucked up in the mind and in the arse, why do you continue to try to bullshit everyone, including yourself? Why is it such a problem for you that you do not have a father? Who was your father anyway? Do you know? Do you even WANT to know?"
I will stop manipulating people to see me as perfect. I see now it is ok to be fucked up, whilst using it to your advantage. I have no clue who my father is, his name isn't even mentioned on my birth certificate. I'm sure I can intend it in dreaming, I do want to know who my father is, and what race he is.
"If you take the former approach I will be WITH you every step of your way, and TOGETHER we will run the distance you have to run to get yourself OUT of this goddamned mess YOU have created within your life! This is my commitment as nagal to you, an apprentice. But it is also more than this. It is also my love for arseholes like you get themselves lost!"
I've been waiting to see if I could still come to the party, after I messed up so horridly in the living room. The only thing I MUST DO is run with this mercilessly. This type of situation is the only one that works, so I'm glad you give me this chance. Does this mean I can come to Chile Theun? I can drop everything and come there. I'll recapitulate and die, whilst watering the plants. I can even help build the house you are going to erect. I know how to do alot of things from planting seeds, tending greenhouses, and pruning trees. I could study up on weeds too, so that they can be used respectfully. Yea, Theun, I'm nothing without a nagal to support me. I can work with Shane, I have alot to learn from him.
The first time I got your books for my birthday, I was on a farm, and I even had it set up for them to be shipped there, but somehow it was decided to be shipped to my house. That was around when I first began speaking to J. about you. I didn't get paid while I was working out there, because they didn't have the money they advertised that they would pay me. They only gave me cigarettes, weed, and a place to sleep. I worked there 6 days a week for 11 hours a day or more, and the scenery there was amazing. I ended up getting pissed, and asked for 5 days to hike in the mountains. He denied it at first, but then accepted it. Almost everyone there hated me for that, they wanted me to work for next to free and be a workaholic.
"Does any of this surprise you? Does it surprise you that a nagal would actually care about you, especailly as you have gone OUT of your way to alienate even me? Does it surprise you that I should speak of love when I have done nothing but smack you HARD each and every time you have TRIED to put a foot forward?
You don't have to answer me. Just THINK about what I said. But I MEAN think, and not indulge in all the shit in your head which you call thinking.
If you take the latter approach, then I will know that you have NO intention of uplifting yourself, and that your only intention is to waste everyone's time, including mine and yours. And in that case this will be my last response to you.
"ask yourself, why DO you hate yourself so much? And why do you long so much for a dad? Is it because you feel like a woman, and an abandoned woman at that? If so I can relate to that in a great many ways. But I will share a little with you."
I'll look into this in my recapitulation and think about these questions. Yes, I feel like a woman.
"So that, my young friend, is my story about a father! Not a pretty story, but nevertheless the story of how my journey in this lifetime started with my own father. It took me years and years to learn to forgive both myself and my father, until finally I could get to the point of being able to see my father objectively! Only THEN did I see the beautiful side of my father, and what a great dad he had been for me! But, as I said, it took a GREAT many years before I got there!
And what is the moral of my story? The moral is this: whether we have fathers or not, whether the fathers we do have ever live up to our expectations of what a father should be or not, is neither here nor there! Fathers, or the lack of them, are purely PART of the scripts we write for ourselves before we are born to life upon the physical plane. And if they are only a PART of, no matter HOW big or small a part, then why all the big fuss about fathers?
But we DO fuss, and we DO make our lives a misery because of who and what our fathers were, or at least our perception of who and what our fathers were! Why? Because deep down inside we ALL know that the father upon the physical plane is MEANT to be a role model of our Father on High, the nagal within us all. But then this is true of ALL males, and not just of our fathers! And then, of course, this brings us straight back to ourselves as males, not so? And then we realise that WE have a choice as to WHAT sort of male we wish to be!
So what sort of male do YOU want to be, my young friend? An arsehole? A mother fucker?"
No , to be this is suicide. It's better for me to be the nagal. One day, if I succeed this doorway and enter fully, I will learn to appreciate, like you, nagal.
"I know what sort of male I am, but I have also worked HARD to be at where I am at today! It didn't just fall into my lap! LOL! As I just explained to you, I did not grow up with a loving daddy whom I aodred and worshipped, and who provided me with the perfect role model! No, on the contrary, as a kid my father was EVERYTHING that I hated, loathed and detested in men! The only thing I appreciated about my father when I was a kid was his incredible ability at being able to tell stories! I loved his stories, but when the story was finished, I would again recoil from him in disgust! In fact, as I later learned, my father had been an amazing man! But as a kid I never saw this. I only saw the weak, alcoholic loser and mother fucker that fell to pieces when his fuck died! LAMOF! And then after that he got himself two more women to fuck. The first one left him not long after they got married, and the second one also eventually croaked and popped her clogs. But by then I was LONG gone out of my father's life, trying my best to forget that I had a father that was such an embarrassment to me! Until I saw my father for who and what he REALLY was, I saw my father as being the CAUSE of why I too was totally fucked up as a teenager and a young man! LAMOF!"
hahaha, =). Your story is hilarious, Theun. hahaha.
And now this is where you are at! You see the lack of having had a father in your life as being your big stumbling block! And because you have grown up with only women in your life you see yourself as being a second rate woman because you have no father to use as a role model! But has it ever occurred to you that if you had needed one, you would have had one? And who knows, but had you had a dad, you may never have found your way to the Warrior's Path.
But as I said earlier, the important thing is that you are HERE and that this is NOW, and that is all that matters!
So now that I have had this smoke with you, and this heart to heart, you must DE-CIDE, my young friend, WHICH way you wish to go! And remember my words; take the first approach, and I will be at your side ALL the way; take the second approach and it is goodbye! :) If you wish to fight for your life, you will find me to be an uncompromising teacher, but also a very humane teacher, and I can also say without equivocation of any kind, the most loyal and loving friend you can ever hope for. But if you wish to waste your life, if you wish to waste the precious GIFT which is life, then expect nothing from me other than the sharp end of my sword! I have HUGE empathy and understanding for the fucked up people of this world, for these are the ones that stand a CHANCE to win because they KNOW what it is to fight for their lives if but given the chance to do so. But I have ZERO tolerance or sympathy with losers! So send me one more crap email, send me one more spaced out question, and it is tickets! You will NEVER hear from me again! Comprende, amigo?
Way to Kill me, Theun. I have no choice now, but to FIGHT for SURVIVAL.
"You asked me if I am a formless warrior, and I said yes. But do you know what it means to be formless? It means, amongst many other things, that FORM no longer holds any meaning for me. And as such I live by only ONE commandment, as do all formless warriors, namely, the rule of the hunt! In hunting for power, in a universe of power, this is the ONLY rule there is, and it makes sense to me, a LOT of sense! When you are no longer attached to form, there is ONLY power, and in dealing with power, you play it by power's rules, that is, power grants us no quarter and shows us no mercy! The winner takes all! And I respect this! And I will never have it in any other way!"
Theun, I can barely understand, but I understand. Walking home today, I saw the thickest most detailed shooting star headed West/South, that I have ever seen in my life .
"Re-member my words as you make your decision. Be intelligent!"
OK THEUN! =)
Finally, what is my prediliction Theun? You must have seen it by now, old friend.
Okay. So we are finally getting somewhere. Good!
"I can't escape the fact that I was a Jew, and still am one, but perhaps this can lead back to good things."
No. You are NOT a Jew, and I have pointed this out to you before! Just because you were raised in a Jewish home does not make you a Jew! But, yes, I can see WHY it was important for you to have this experience. But we can talk more about this at another time, not now. However, you must STOP behaving like a Jew, otherwise I am going to circumcise you even if you have already been circumcised! And if that does not work I will turn you into kosher bacon! Get it?
"I have had sex, but the moment I realized sex was extremely interconnected, through reading Taisha Abelar's book, I avoided sex like the plague."
Forget about Taisha Abelar! The woman is one of the frauds, and she does not have a fucking clue what she is talking about! Mostly she talks the biggest lot of shit she can think of! And the little she does know she plagiarised from my books, just like all the frauds have done!
"Goes to show, we are all part homosexual."
No! Remember what I said to you! Put ONE foot of line, and I am through with you! You are not in a position to make sweeping statements about people's sexuality! And I won't have it from you, or from anyone else! The only person YOU are allowed to talk about is YOU!
"I will stop manipulating people to see me as perfect."
Yes! Because unless you START being REAL, even if you are the ugliest son of a bitch on the planet, there is NO HOPE for you, Sunshine! So let it ALL hang out, and even IF you feel like shit SHOW it, because then at least you are being REAL, and then you CAN do something about it. But whilst you play games with other people, you will also be FORCED into living up to your games, which means that you will NEVER be REAL! So cut the crap and BE REAL!
"The only thing I MUST DO is run with this mercilessly. This type of situation is the only one that works, so I'm glad you give me this chance."
Then do NOT fuck it up! I meant it when I said, a FLEETING MOMENT of chance. No more! And it is no more because contrary to what demented people like to THINK, none of us NEED more than a fleeting moment of chance! If you need an hour, or a day, or a month, or a year, then you are NOT coming from the HEART, and therefore it is all in the MIND, which is of no fucking USE to you or to anyone else!
"Does this mean I can come to Chile, Theun? I can drop everything and come there. I'll recapitulate and die, whilst watering the plants. I can even help build the house you are going to erect. I know how to do a lot of things from planting seeds, tending greenhouses, and pruning trees. I could study up on weeds too, so that they can be used respectfully."
:) No. My young friend, not yet, and perhaps never. I say this not in unkindness, but with ALL the love in my heart. If you were to come to Chile right now with where you are at, you will become my dependant in no time at all. But I am not a cult leader, even though many accuse me of being this. So I do not cultivate dependants, but instead I teach people how to become warriors, and how to stand on their own two FEET and to look the world SQUARELY in the EYES without shame, without guilt and without equivocation, saying, "Catch me if you can!" :)
I want you to be strong and confident within yourself, my young friend. But I mean REALLY strong, and REALLY confident, and not filled with cock and bull bravado! This is my deepest wish for you, and if I can help you to achieve this, then I will have shown you the greatest love that is known to man. Please try to understand this, my friend. Try to understand that I am NOT rejecting you, but that I am instead coming from what is BEST for YOU! :) Once you are strong within yourself, and once you can stand on your own two feet, THEN you and I can meet and discuss the possibility of you coming to join us. If it is your fate to do so, then provided you start to work HARD on yourself, then rest assured it will happen. But none of us can force the hand of the powers of destiny.
"I can work with Shane, I have a lot to learn from him."
Shane is in much the same place as you are, right now. He too is VERY messed up, and VERY persistent and insistent on staying that way. I have up until now taken a different approach with him as I have with you, but he is not getting it, or rather, he is resisting getting it. I will give him a little more rope, and then I may well kick him out of the Living Room as well. And as for him coming to Chile, I don't know where he gets that from. But I suppose we can always dream, eh? :) All I said to Shane was maybe, MAYBE! But he is not coming to me right now, or any time soon, if ever! Quite besides which, the only thing you can learn from Shane right now is how to wank and to smoke pot! But I think you do this well enough already! LOL!
"I'll look into this in my recapitulation and think about these questions."
"Yes, I feel like a woman."
Well, then it is high time for us to change this! You are not a woman, and therefore it is time for you to DISCOVER your balls and what they are meant for! :)
"No , to be this is suicide. It's better for me to be the nagal."
I am going to keep you to your word, for this is the FIRST thing you must learn about what it is to be a true male! And unless you ARE a male you have no hope of ever becoming a warrior, just like women who are not females can never become warriors.
The male, my friend, is NOT a willing partner! You cannot coerce, manipulate or seduce a male into doing anything that goes against what he stands for and therefore what he is prepared to die for! So even if you were to threaten him with death unless he submits to your wishes, he will not budge, but look you squarely in the eyes, waiting for you to carry out your threat! BUT...........once the male has given his WORD, his commitment is for life, because the male KNOWS that in being the representative of the Nagal, his word is LIGHT! And therefore he will rather DIE holding onto his word, than to break his commitment.
I gave you my word in my previous email to you. You are now giving me your word, and because it is imperative for you to start LIVING and ACTING like a male, I am going to keep you to your word as surely as I will keep my commitment to you. BUT.........should you break the agreement between us, then because of your infidelity which is tantamount to treachery and deceit, I will no longer be duty bound to keep my word, and I will turn against you with the sharp end of my sword! Let this be VERY clear between us.
"hahaha, =). Your story is hilarious, Theun. hahaha."
:) I am glad that you found my story funny, because all folly is very funny. But realise also the difference here. My story is funny, yes, but only because I have come to see my folly for what it is, and therefore today I can laugh at it and use it to make other people laugh too. But not so with you, at least not yet. You still see your folly as being so real and so true! And therefore you cannot laugh at your folly. Instead your folly is to cry about! But this must change if you wish to be free from your past folly, and if you wish to learn how to control your current folly.
"Way to Kill me, Theun. I have no choice now, but to FIGHT for SURVIVAL."
I am glad you can see this for yourself. And, yes, this IS now for you a matter of life or death, for none of us can UNLEARN what we have already learned. And this is why Toltecs warn that the Warrior's Path is a path of no return. Once we have been exposed to the truth, even if only a very little of it, we can never turn our backs upon it and walk away without the spirit within us dying a slow and agonising death! And it is for this reason that nagals do not solicit apprentices. It is too cruel to do so!
Look, for example, at Toltec Legacy. Because of an injunction given to me to spread the teachings as far and as wide as I can, Toltec Legacy came into existence. And to all on Toltec Legacy has been given the same as that you are now being given, but it remains to be seen how many of those on Toltec Legacy will truly commit when the time comes for them to do so. As soon as power makes it clear to me that the time has come for me to move on, I will do so, and I will take with me only those from Toltec Legacy who have proved themselves committed through their ACTIONS.
Only when that time comes will I commit fully to those who come with me, as legitimate apprentices of mine. Until then the so-called apprenticeships on Toltec Legacy are in truth in the nature of what is technically speaking referred to as apprentices upon the Path of Probation. But we cannot proceed beyond the Path of Probation until we have precipitated for ourselves a very real point of crisis. And within your utter folly you precipitated your own point of crisis way ahead of the rest of the people on Toltec Legacy! LOL! So call it the trickery of the spirit, if you wish. But no matter how you feel about this, no matter what you think about this, and no matter what you wish to call it, the FACT remains that your time to honour your word is now, and your time is here. So now you have no more time. The powers of destiny have decreed that THIS, here and now, is your hour of power! Take it, or leave it!
"Theun, I can barely understand, but I understand."
The ONLY thing you need to UNDER-STAND, not understand as in intellectually getting it, but UNDER-STAND as in SUPPORTING it, by eating it, drinking it, thinking it, sleeping it, breathing it, dreaming it, living it, is that within a universe pervaded by power there is NO time other than the ETERNAL NOW, and this is the time of the nagal! And in order to SURVIVE within the time of the nagal, there is only ONE rule, namely, power grants us NO QUARTER, and shows us NO MERCY! This is why only those who are INVINCIBLE in their STRENGTH acquired through the impeccability of the warrior's spirit, can withstand the relentless onslaughts from power once you enter into the time of the nagal.
In the time of the tonal, which is where humanity lives, humanity THINKS that there is no real need for impeccability, because people have about them all their great many shields with which to ward off the rolling force. And being surrounded by their shields they are under the false impression that they are safe and therefore have all the time in the world to dither and to doubt, to procrastinate, to compromise, to justify their actions, to play silly games, and to talk up storms about what they will do one day when they are warriors! But they can only do this because their shields give them a false sense of security.
But the warrior who has entered into the time of the nagal has nothing but his warrior's shield, his sword, his spear and his ever-faithful companion throughout life, his death. And in facing the unpredictable whims of power within the Eternal Now, and with his death at his side, the warrior's accoutrement are not much at all. But they are all he has.
Take for example, his warrior's shield! What is it, for heaven's sake, other than his alertness, his fear, his respect and his assurance in his own personal power! Great stuff when you are facing the unpredictable whims of power, eh? And what is his sword? Nothing more than the truth in his heart! And his spear? Nothing more than his trust in the powers of destiny to guide him.
Pitiful really! But it is all the warrior has! And because this is all he has, he enters into the mood of the warrior. And what is that mood? Utter HUMILITY in the face of the sheer POVERTY of his human resources!
And this, my young friend, is the reality of where you find yourself at now. So when you say to me, "One day, if I succeed this doorway and enter fully, I will learn to appreciate, like you, nagal," I have to laugh at your childlike naivety! You still THINK that you have time on your side, but I am trying to impress upon you that you have NO time! Your time is here, and it is now!
You have already entered the doorway into the Eternal Now, and therefore it is no longer a question of IF you succeed to enter fully, for you just HAVE entered fully into the time of the nagal! And you can forget about "I will learn to appreciate." There is nothing to appreciate my friend, other than appreciating the fact that you have just been given the CHANCE to FIGHT for your survival!
And in the fight for survival you must NEVER make the mistake of allowing your mind to deviate into thinking, “WHEN I survive!” If you do, you will be cut down in your tracks as surely as that the force of gravity crashes an unsuspended object into the ground! You must LIVE with only ONE thought upon your mind, and nothing else – “IF I survive!”
And IF you can survive the rigours of the battlefield of life for long enough to PROVE yourself a warrior in the true sense of the word, then you will be granted the sweetest gift of all, freedom, for this is the only just reward of every warrior! Freedom from all that enslaves, freedom from form, and freedom to initiate your own definitive journey upon life! There is no greater freedom than this, and therefore there is also no greater gift than this, and this is why the rule of the hunt states that the winner takes all. But freedom is never given because it CANNOT be given! Instead it has to be WON through blood, sweat and tears.
"Re-member my words as you make your decision. Be intelligent!..............OK THEUN! =)"
For your sake, I hope and I pray that you do, you young fool!
"Finally, what is my prediliction Theun?"
I do not yet know what your direction is, but your predilection is that of dreamer. But where you are headed now directions and predilections are of no use to you! The only thing that will sustain you from this moment on is the measure of your impeccability, and the mood of the warrior. Think about that, and forget about everything else. Of what good is it to you to know your direction when you are going to be cut down by power just now or tomorrow? Directions and predilections are rightfully very important in PREPARING ourselves for what lies ahead. But once you are engaged in a battle for survival, they are of no use to you!
"You must have seen it by now, old friend."
:) Old, yes. Friend? We will see, IF you survive what lies ahead of you now.
I wish you God speed, my young friend. If you need me, I am an email away. But remember that I cannot fight your battle for survival FOR you! I can merely guide you and support you if you need me.
With all my love and support,