Théun, I found my way back to your doorstep by a feeling that compelled to me to do so. I followed this feeling with a combination of trepidation and expediency; but also with a strong sense that it was something that I needed to do, no matter whether I was welcomed back or sent to hell by you. (I was very nervous about which it was going to be, my mind ping ponging between hoping for approval and knowing that was not the point at all.) I was disappointed and mad that I had to wait 30 days before I could ask for your guidance, so what to do? I set myself about trying to settle down and reread the books and take notes in a methodical fashion as I had done in the past, trying without success to read all the posts in the living room from the beginning, the communiqués that were available to me and get a sense of who were the people present and where things were and what had evolved. But I felt impatient to wait and to reread the books in such a way.
I would end up opening the books at random, read a page and what I read would hit me in the gut so that I would have to stop, take the message in, which would lead me to remembering parts of my life past and present from an emotional level that often had me in slow tears that just left me in a melancholy mood, but it was a good feeling too. It felt like a big wet sponge that is just being squeezed little by little and it felt good to dry up, like I was finding resolutions where I was unaware there was any resolutions to be had. Then I could just breathe more deeply and felt relaxed in a way I hadn't felt in a long time and I felt energized. And this process just keeps happening and any small thing around me triggers it as I look around my world. Now instead of resisting any emotions that come, I just breathe and let them pass through me, and it is often brief and gentle and I always feel better afterwards with a feeling of openness. (This process has sped up after my clumsy crashing and clashing in the LR with A.)
I had felt bored and confused by much of the postings in the LR (e.g. what laser were they all going on about? Spokane, Slovakia, Chile, Russell passing? I wanted to know everything right away!) So I threw caution to the wind, swallowed my fear and just entered the LR with my big mouth self that once I opened I lost control of, once it starts it seems to have a mind of it's own. As my impatience and frustration grew there, (I needed attention! Lol) so I went fishing and after a few small bites, I decided the person most likely to give it to me was A. I picked his post to respond to, not so much to answer what he was asking but rather to just interact. I felt that I wanted to fight, for what in that moment I didn't know, I just had to keep fighting. I am grateful that Gisele put an end to the stupidity and for Patrick pointing me in the direction that A. correctly screamed at me I needed to approach.
That direction is what really brought me here and what I came to ask of you and that is in regards to healing my body and knowing that I will not achieve that unless I seek to heal the whole self and what is out of balance in my being, for what is happening with my body is just a reflection and a message: i.e. a lack of support followed by a lack of fluidity! This is the central point, where I need help; I can't see myself easily or clearly when it comes to being rigid.
This message is coming from my lumbar spine where I have degenerative discs with resulting compression and pain (this is chronic) and more loudly from my left hip where now I have severe osteoarthritis and resulting degenerative joint, near to bone on bone with resulting more constant pain and restriction of movement. Of course both conditions are exacerbated by my excess weight and I believe is pretty much the main factor in the condition. The orthopedic Dr. says that I need a hip replacement, but that they would not do it until I lost a minimum of 35 lbs., this was in January of this year when I had an acute flare up causing my left leg to give out and I could not bear any weight on it for 1 week. I couldn't go to work 6 weeks and it gave me the scare of my life. I am determined to avoid surgery. So since January I have lost 35 lbs and I went to physical therapy to start working on strengthening and stretching my muscles to help support and I do water aerobics. I also have always worked with a Chiropractor for my back that I see regularly. My goal is to continue losing weight (I need to lose 65-75 lbs more), continue all the therapies that I presently do (I can get very lazy about the exercises). Since losing the weight, I am already in less pain and have regained some flexibility and strength. But I have to be very careful with my balance of activities and rest. My eating behaviors and relation to food and people are dramatically shifting as well.
I know that I need to find a way to regenerate the joint as I remove the constant pressure of the weight. To do this I know that I must change and renew my whole self. But I cannot do it alone . After having my arrogance deflated, I am struggling with looking at my low self-worth and all the ways it can manifest without succumbing to self-pity and facing the reality of the present and moving forward, I have no choice but to move through the pain that I have created and learn it's lessons. I need help with the stupidity part though. I believe I have the heart; but the mind keeps going in circles.
After finding the RLT website, I am excited and feel, yes this why I am here at this time? Can this be the aide that I have been searching for? Can your laser be a key to my endeavor?
Disease becomes rather dis-ease; that is, the whole being is not at one with itself - something is out of balance. This dis-ease has a specific purpose: to show us that something needs to be addressed within the life of the being. In other words, dis-ease is a process through which the indwelling being can both experience and learn about itself.
I will leave it to you, the nagal, to knock me about out of my self-importance, arrogance and stupidity which most of the time I am oblivious too. And I am also prepared for you to send me on my way if you believe helping me is waste of your time as I turned my back on the opportunity once before. I know that I will not give up or give in; I have no other choice but to seek and find the truth. This is an opportunity to learn, however that may come about. I have run out of time to be moping about, ashamed of my behavior, indulging in low self-worth and self-pity, either stuck in the past or dreaming of the future, but rarely awake in the moment. I need a steady slap on the face to snap me out of my mind traps. I want to learn to stop it and I want to change.
I did manage to read the Female book again in whole and it was like I had never read it before. I found my description (dominant mother& weak father) most self revealing as the one who, in having a resistance to being contained, will have no respect for men.....always want to be right....quick to become highly defensive and indignant.....rigid in her thinking and as a result reluctant to make changes........will often act impulsively, not first considering the possible consequences of her acts.......look upon femininity as being a sign of weakness and avoided at all costs..........lack self-respect and sense of honour, always complain about feeling unacknowledged.......trying to get recognition therefore.......extremely good at scheming and manipulating........not conscious of the implications of their actions.......careful not to expose themselves to emotional hurt.......insensitive........who become abusive in both their speech and manner especially towards men......lack commitment, cover this by being loud and all-knowing......putting the act of, "I'm okay." Compete against other females for male's attention. LOL!!
I am not okay, and I trust that you, if you are still willing, can lead me towards a renewed self, or is it back to my true self? I am willing to "dare, do, and keep silent."
I await your answer.
With much respect.
P.S. I am including the dream that I had the night after writing this request to you; hoping that you can give me some insight into it's meaning for me. Thank you.
I WAS LYING IN A LARGE BED WITH WHITE SHEETS WITH THEUN LYING NEXT TO ME AND WE WERE WATCHING A TV SCREEN THAT WAS SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING ABOVE WHICH APPARENTLY WAS DISPLAYING MY DREAM SEQUENCES ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T AT FIRST REALIZE THAT, I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE WATCHING A MOVIE.
AT FIRST THE "MOVIE" WAS IN GRAY AND MUTED COLORS (WATCHING A BATTLEFIELD FROM A DISTANCE, WITH SOLDIERS MARCHING IN VARIOUS SMALL FORMATIONS IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, THE LAND LOOKED DUSKY AND BATTLE SCARRED; THEUN INSTRUCTED ME TO PLACE MY ATTENTION MORE CLOSE AND I SAW A WILD DOG OF SOME SORT APPROACHING, IT LOOKED TOO SMALL TO BE A WOLF AND THEN WHEN IT GOT CLOSE IT TURNED IT"S BACK TO ME AND LAYED DOWN. I NEVER SAW IT'S FACE. IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED I WAS WATCHING MY DREAMS AND THEUN WAS ENCOURAGING ME TO DIRECT THE DREAM CONCIOUSLY. THEN THINGS CHANGED TO BRIGHTER COLORS AND I SAW A FEMALE LION WHO LOOKED SCRAWNY AND SAD SITTING IN FRONT OF ME BUT AS I TRIED TO LOOK CLOSER, THE COLOUR FADED AGAIN AND SHE WITHDREW. THEN A LARGE, MUSCULAR, MALE TIGER IN BRILLIANT COLOUR WITH SHINING GREEN EYES APPROACHED ME AND ALL I COULD SAY WAS, "WOW, IT IS REALLY IS A TIGER!"
JUST THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD TURNED AROUND IN THE BED WITH MY HEAD TOWARDS THE FOOT OF THE BED AS A WAY TO KEEP MY FOCUS ON WATCHING THE DREAM EVOLVE ON THE SCREEN; BUT THEN REALIZED I HAD MY HEAD ON TOP OF THEUN'S PRIVATE PART (BUT ON TOP OF THE SHEETS) I AND GOT EMBARRASED AND EXCUSED MYSELF AND PUT MY HEAD BACK UP ON THE PILLOW NEXT TO THEUN'S. HE THEN ASKED ME IF I LIKED THE COLOUR OF THE WALLS; WHICH WAS A SOFT YELLOW-BROWN AND I SAID YES IT IS NICE, AND HE THEN ASKED ME IF I LIKED THE NEW HOUSE AND ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE AN OPINION BECAUSE I HADN'T SEEN ALL OF THE HOUSE, I ANSWERED POLITELY, YES IT SEEMED NICE, THAT IS WOULD WORK OUT.
THEUN THEN TURNED ON HIS SIDE FACING ME AND I COULD FEEL HIS HARDENED PENIS LAYING ON MY THIGHS; SO I TURNED AWAY FROM HIM INTO A SPOONING POSITION WITH HIS PENIS BETWEEN MY THIGHS, BUT THEN I GOT TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, CONFUSED, AND A LITTLE SCARED, SO I "POLITELY" STARTED TO EDGE OUT OF THE BED. (THEN I AWOKE)
My friend, I think the guidance I am going to give you now will make more sense to you if I start at the end of your request for guidance, rather than at the beginning. To do so I will start with your dream, but do realise that I normally do NOT do dream analysis, for it is MOST important for you all to learn to do this for yourselves. There is NO point in your Dreamers giving you guidance when you cannot figure out what it means.
Let us start near the end of your dream and then YOU can go backwards by yourself in your own TIME. But I am also expecting YOU to do your own work here, especially as in studying the dream symbols. And take special note of when I capitalise for your benefit.
You have TURNED AROUND on the BED, and lying with your head on my genitals, or "private parts," as you call them. LOL! What a perfectly ridiculous expression this is, for does it then mean that the rest of my body is public property? LOL! In a way I sometimes DO feel that in being nagal I am public property, but this private parts business for some reason makes me laugh! LOL! For me it has the connotation of a male that is trying to hide his maleness! LOL! I know that we have taken to wearing clothes, mainly for practical reasons, but why has this become a reason to be shy, or more precisely, embarrassed about our sexuality? Do you grasp what I am pointing out to you, my friend? Ponder it, for it will reveal much to you. :)
Anyway, although you have placed your HEAD on my PRIVATE PARTS I am apparently not upset about this. Why? :) And realise also that in having turned yourself round on the BED, you have now also effectively placed yourself in a position relative to me where your fanny is, shall we just say, exposed?<g> So in what SUBTLE ways do you lead the male on through covert sexual manipulation and seduction?
Next scene: I ask you wether or not you like the COLOUR of the walls? Whose walls are these, as this is YOUR dream? And what are these walls? What do they represent? What is the meaning of COLOUR, and why is the COLOUR a YELLOW-BROWN? You will find these are all dream symbols. :) I ask you about the house, obviously your new view of the world. You have not yet seen all of it, but you are POLITE about it. Speaks volumes, no?
By now my penis is erect and resting on your THIGH. Why your THIGH? You turn your back on me so as to encourage me to back-door you! LOL! Or was this not the intention? LOL! Perhaps not, because you get as far as holding my penis between your THIGHS! It is clear from the dream that I wish to engage you in SEX, but I am also not forcing or imposing myself upon you, and this is by FAR the most important point we need to look at here.
After all these years you have come to find me once more, and you ask, very nicely so, I must admit, that I help you. :) And I will, PROVIDED that YOU allow me IN, and don't keep me at arms length like you have always done with every male in your life. I am sure you can grasp that holding my PENIS between your THIGHS is not going to do you much good! LOL! If it is REGENERATION you are truly looking for and wanting, then you MUST embrace the male FULLY. Only the spirit within you can heal you at all levels. But whilst you see the male in your life as being purely a SEXUAL TOY, he is not much good to you as a female!
One of your fellow apprentices asked you whether you actually LIKE men, and you tried very hard to convince him that you do! But I can see why he asked you, because what I see in you is that you do NOT like men at all. Oh, sure, you have FUCKED men in the past, but this is as far as you ever went! You FUCKED them! And when women fuck men they have ZERO intention of CONCEIVING that male's purpose, let alone taking his lead! To women like you, men are nothing more than walking dildos! LOL!
So, to carry on with the message from your Dreamer, I am going to ask, "Are you PRE-PARED for the fuck of your life, and are you WILLING to EN-COURAGE, take note, NOT seduce me or manipulate me, but EN-COURAGE me to TAKE you, to "penetrate" you and to "fertilise" you? Your Dreamer was pretty explicit about this, for you "politely" got out of bed! LOL! No chance of a fuck there?<wg>
Okay. Getting OUT of BED is at least a good start! But now where to from here? Only YOU can answer that, my friend. :) So although your request for guidance is VERY sincere, for I can FEEL your sincerity, I am also nevertheless not fooled by this sincerity! LOL! Your Dreamer was CLEAR! You have found your way back to me, and I am ready and willing to lead you and to guide you, but YOU are not yet READY and WILLING to allow the male to TAKE you! And what your Dreamer showed you, is that I will also not take you by force or impose myself upon you in any way! This is why I spoke to you about EN-COURAGE-MENT!
Contrary to what social conditioning has taught both men and women, the true MALE is not a creature than CAN be seduced, meaning that he is NOT a willing partner. But then when the male IS willing to engage, then he also does not ASSUME that he is necessarily WANTED, even though he may be NEEDED! Ponder, my friend, upon the difference between WANTING the male, versus NEEDING the male! I will help you a little in this respect.
It is clear from what you share that you know that you NEED what I can offer you. But the question is, do you WANT ME, the male, the nagal, the spirit within? Or do you only want to TAKE from me what you want to take, in other words, holding my PENIS between your THIGHS? :) A sobering question, no? :) But now go even deeper into this question by realising that the true MALE is by nature a gentle creature, and hence it is said in the Christian teachings that God is Love. In other words, no true MALE will ever force himself upon the female, but on the contrary, has to be EN-COURAGED to map out the Unknown, for it does not come naturally to the male to enter the Unknown, for his own intrinsic nature is the Known. So unless EN-COURAGED, the male will not engage with the Unknown, the female. And this too flies in the face of social conditioning in which every man has been raised from infancy to think of himself as being a horny sexual stud that is ALWAYS ready to PERFORM! But this all that it ever boils down to - a performance! :)
This does not mean to say that the true male is not also a PASSIONATE being, LOL, but the point is that what "turns on" the true male is not what turns on men who have been conditioned, disempowered, into being Little Boys and walking dildos. The true MALE is a PASSIONATE LOVER, and this in ALL areas of his life; with the female, with the Unknown, with the world around him, with the spirit and, last but certainly not least, he is also the PASSIONATE LOVER of the Path where he walks!
So, :), are you going to ENGAGE me into becoming your LOVER, or are you going to try to "milk" me.<ebwg> Your Dreamer says you are going to try to milk me! LOL! In which case you will find that my PENIS is quite flaccid, meaning that I cannot be milked. LOL! The only way in which to give the true male an "erection" is to EN-COURAGE him into mapping out the Unknown! Sticking his penis between your thighs is not keep his interest for too long, I can assure you! LOL!
But really, my friend, do you even BEGIN to grasp the full import of my words here? How can you EN-COURAGE the male into mapping out the Unknown when you YOURSELF reject the Unknown within you? Note how you turn your BACK on me in your dream. Why? Why not look the male straight in the EYES whilst you EN-COURAGE him to TAKE you? Why turn your back on him and HOPE that he is going to penetrate that darkness which even YOU do not want to look at? LOL! To borrow Patrick's by now infamous expression, "Can you not see this for yourself?" :)
If you read this guidance with DUE care, and ponder upon my words, you will find that I have addressed ALL of your questions, without having answered each one of them specifically. I have taken this approach with you in an endeavour to put you back in TOUCH with the MYSTERY that is you as a female in this lifetime. :) You are already a VERY accomplished second-rate male, but you are SERIOUSLY out of TOUCH with your femininity, which is why I nicknamed you Tom. :) And no doubt you fuck like Tom too, and possibly also like DICK, and Harry. LOL and<ebwg> But unfortunately for you, I am not into fucking, and most certainly not with Tom, Dick or Harry! RATF LMAO!
With all my love and support,
And, hey, YOU, you silly, fat and decrepit old woman - a BIG smile too! B-:)