For this month’s theme I am choosing to focus on an updated version of the question posed in the guidance for this theme, as follows:
“…it is our destiny to free ourselves from Mother's Awareness. And yet we keep expecting and wanting mother's approval. But in reality, Mother's Awareness does not have the power to give approval, instead it is our own lack of belief in self that brings about the illusion that we can get approval from Mother's Awareness.
So the way I see it is, is that Mother is a form of awareness and not a personality. This form of awareness brings about a pressure which forces us to hold onto our comfort zones! Increasing mental mass and inertia!”
Having just facilitated a most power-full “Threshold to Excellence” course in Estonia these past few days, I could clearly see this theme of “playing it safe” playing itself out each day of the course!
For me personally this fire was nicely lit last year - the moment I agreed to visit this Northern Hemisphere country - in the dead of winter! Lol!
Little did I know what was in store for me in the way of challenges once I made this decision! My initial reticence to facilitate this course (besides the cold weather for a Southern Hemisphere at this time of the year) was that I did not feel that returning to SA from Europe in mid-November - and then leaving again less than eight weeks later - would provide me with enough time to recharge my batteries after a very full and rich 2017.
And yet I still allowed myself to be persuaded, such was the enthusiasm and resolve of my Estonian hosts! lol! Did I say my shortcoming is corruptibility? With this as my principal shortcoming, Mother’s Awareness (MA) is all-ways close at hand!!
And “Threshold to Excellence” is all about jumping into the unknown, not a good space for MA!! The aim of this course is to bring to light and to highlight those areas in one’s life where one IS in a comfort zone(s).
Thus my “Threshold to Excellence” course started with a vengeance towards the end of November last year - the moment my body went into “burnout” mode and decided I needed a severe wakeup call!!
From the physical impact on my body I had clearly depleted myself, something that really took me by surprise! The past two plus years I have been very care-full about finding balance in my life, focusing on quality sleep first, regular nutritious meals and plenty of exercise – and not only “work”, aka relentless computer time, per se.
So clearly this was not my physical approaches that had triggered this “burnout” condition. I needed to look further/deeper for my answers, for the cause. To my emotional and or mental re-actions to my challenges.
My greatest struggle was to see where and how I was “pushing it”, that is, severely tapping my resources of adrenaline - in apparent service of others, imaginary or otherwise; at the expense of others; “giving it all away”, as I was told bluntly by more than one therapist!
And now here I was, what seemed like mere days away, needing to meet my commitment to head for Estonia!! At that stage I could not even see my physical self making it to the Cape Town airport, let alone Europe!
I was experiencing a lot of fear and insecurity! I realised I was completely in the unknown. And I had to tackle my fear.
Thus a mere 13 days after a mini relapse I experienced over the New Year (no coincidence) , I set off from Cape Town for Estonia with my heart in my mouth, telling myself - and anyone else that would listen, lol! - that up until I got on that plane for that 24-hour journey I had placed the trust in my body - and my Dreamer - outside of mySelf - and that now it was over to me to trust mySelf going forward!!
MA wanted oh SO much to stay safely at home!! LAMOF!!
Once safely airborne I began in earnest to delve deeper into the cause of my physical “condition”.
With “Threshold to Excellence” being my guiding light, I could see the NEED to “flip my FLOP”! That it was/is an act of survival for me to turn upside down my “Fundamental Life Operating Principle”, a principle out of which I have been running my life since a child!!
My FLOP is “I am not important”.
Since December every area of my life needed to receive an upgrade in awareness to “I AM important”! And to sustain it!!
This sustainability is truly new for me! And lo and behold, because I cannot see myself without a mirror - and I had had no point of reference as to what I was doing when I was so-called “pushing it" - the moment I set my foot in Europe, power provided me with an in my face mirror that I was able to observe 24/7!! J
Wow! For me, THIS mirror was an extreme version of what I must have been doing! Lol! Multi-tasking whilst eating; not eating; eating very fast; getting very little sleep; sometimes barely able to speak coherently; toiling at the computer with ever waning efficiency; rush, rush, rush rush….
There were times I was exhausted on my mirror’s behalf! And it was so relentless that I eventually had to take said mirror to task and point out if she continues in this vein, she is fast heading for the same wakeup call I experienced :-(
At face value, all these physical symptoms I just did/do not see in my behaviour.
So how DO I manifest this behaviour?
THE strongest mirror I experienced of the group on this course itself was the image of a duck gliding beautifully calmly on the water – whilst underneath the water the feet were peddling furiously!
That’s my behaviour!
From all my years of needing to meet hectic corporate deadlines I developed a beautifully calm exterior. I quickly learned that my staff was never to know I was in panic mode, as it just rippled all the way through the department.
Inwardly I would put myself through hoops to ensure all was on time. No different from now, it appears! Lol!
Thus, my true action began in earnest with me inwardly “flipping my FLOP”– making myself important.
This is a work in progress...