“It is therefore clear to see that once a man does repent, that is, see his challenges for what they really are, then he will reject the giving, whether this is his giving to another, or the other person’s giving to him. In other words, the man will forgive not only himself, but also those who have helped him to come to grips with his challenges in life.”
This summer the challenge of forgiveness is very much on focus for me. I met quite a lot of people from my past, people that I am still close to but in the past I was much closer, having relationships for about 30 years. Some of them I had not met for years.
The challenge was most intense during the visit of a friend of mine. There were 3 and half intense days of going through a battle. In the past we used to battle fiercely with each other. We learned a lot and this made us stronger.
So, the first 2 days of his stay, the battles went smoothly although it was tense. I had to be careful not to fight in the old way I used to or in other words to stay in the battle all night with intensity and digging deeper and deeper. In the last 6 years I was striving to achieve the same effect of deepness but now I can make it with a much gentler approach. So, I had to be careful not to give the slightest spark of fire in the communication with my friend. He probed for it for quite a few times but it was not difficult for me to manage it and not losing balance and perspective.
So all about the past and what was happening in now I managed to tackle with ease.
However, the hardest part came on the third day when my friend started to talk about the future and a project he felt drawn to and wanted to involve me on his terms, in a way. My friend was very clear what he wanted and he was capable to put on the table for this project but he wanted me to drive it. And this is when I sensed something was a bit off for me.
This project, actually, was something my friend had to do with another man, who was supposed to drive it but who just got away for whatever reason.
In the past we were in a similar situation where I was driving a project we were doing together. From that experience with him, I caught that I have a hidden hurt of being wronged – something that I thought I had dealt with. So now, I was not actually demanding a payback for it but I saw how there was a hook for me. And this hook was attaching me to his folly and it was preventing me from being objective. I noticed this because I sensed how something inside me started to be very irritable around the topic of recognition. And yet, I was not asking for recognition since I am clear that I am giving it to myself quite enough.
However, I stayed with the tensions and I was carefully listening to what my friend was talking about and how he was feeling about his friend leaving their project and all of a sudden I stalked myself and him by simply asking: “Why don’t you call your friend and check first how he feels about this project?”
My friend exploded and said: “Aha, you do not want to do the project and you just stalked me to talk about my friend.”
Since this was not at all where I was coming from, I realized firstly that my friend by asking me to drive this project was giving me a lot of recognition in his way. And secondly, I found this hidden hook. From this point on, it was all simple matter for me not to give in the old way. I was already objective and was able to discriminate properly. So, I suggested a certain approach for this future project without promising anything.
In the end, my friend was very glad because he also achieved clarity and could disentangle from past perceptions. He was able to shift the focus because he also saw why I was an unwilling partner in this situation. We both managed to for-give some parts of ourselves.
Man of Action